I love you. Please tell me that you love me back.

I never thought I will feel the pain that Santana from Glee felt. The pain of loving someone so much and watching them love someone else. I saw the scene where she told her best friend Brittany that she loved her. I'm in a different situation but I guess the pain is no different.

It's like you see them, you're happy but you question your worth to them. They make your day but the thought of never being able to call them yours just killed you inside.

But then, you love them so much that you tell yourself that it's okay as long as they are happy. As long that someone treats them right. You get jealous because you will never be the reason that they wake up to every morning. You die inside everytime they look at that someone with that look, the same look that you have, everytime you see them.

The feeling of knowing that you would be there for them no matter what is excruciating. They would run back to that someone whole because of you. They will say they love you after everything and you would wish how it was enough, for them to be yours. You feel drained everyday because you used up every ounce of strength to smile, to breathe and be okay. You love them so much that you would rather hurt and die than to let them know what is wrong. You love them so much that it hurts to even breathe. You know you can be their everything like how they are to you. You would never hurt them and you would make them happy.

Life is never fair. I guess all these makes you bitter sometimes.

\

I love you. Please tell me that you love me back.

A day without you is like a day without air.

Something to hold on to each day.

You, make me smile,
Even when every part of me is falling apart.
You, keep me going,
Even when every part of me is screaming fragile.
Being with you guys,
I forgot about myself,
At least my attention is diverted somewhere else.
I'd give anything for this,
To have myself distracted from this pain
Which never seems to cease or even end.

I know I might be bad at expressing anything.
But thank you for your concerns though.
It meant a lot than you think it did.
Thank you for showing that you guys care.
I really don't know what to say.

How am I suppose to tell you guys what's wrong when
I'm not sure what's wrong with me?
All of these, yes I do have a hunch
But hunches can never be answers.
I'm sorry I acted angry,
I guess that's the emotion that keeps me going.
I'm sorry for snapping,
I guess that was how I protected myself.
Thank you for being there.
Now I'm trying to convince myself that
You guys are not going anywhere.

This is all new to me, I guess.
Having friends that actually stay
And having people who like me the way I am.
I am forever grateful for this
Don't ask me about this pain that I am always feeling.
It has always been there,
Yes, it gets worse most of the time.
But I'm coping with it, in my own way.
Seeing you guys everyday,
At least I am able to breathe for a while
Before being suffocated again.

I may be not able to tell you guys what is wrong
But at least when you read this,
It may give you a glimpse of what might be wrong.
If you guys can figure out what's wrong,
That'd be nice for me because
I have no idea.

I guess this doesn't show in my face at all but
I am forever thankful to call you two my best friends.
I owe my mental being to you guys.
Thank you for giving me something to look forward to each day.
Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for giving me a reason to stay alive.

Love you two forever.
xx

I fought for you but did you fight for me too?

Love is never a strong word when it comes to you.

I miss you.
I know I should not, but I do.
I'm not sure why but
You make me smile
I feel silly for feeling like this
But I know you won't mind, at least.

You got smile that would make me do the same.
You are so far away but yet,
My heart still stops whenever I see your face.
I know I have felt nothing all this time.
My heart emptied every emotion possible,
So that I would never feel again.
That is you, being the exception to that.
You, brought back everything,
Everything I was trying to not feel.

If only you knew the strength it took,
For me to not fall again.
If only you knew how much it hurt,
For me to let you go.
No, I never stopped loving you.
No, I could never stop loving you.

You are everything I need.
Everything that I ever wanted.
But I can't put every little bit of hope that I have left
Into something that is less likely happen.
I need that glimpse of hope, for me,
To move on.

But if, anything ever happens for the both of us,
Whether it was two years ago
Or now,
You know my answer will never change.

I love you.
Always have.
Always will.

Love Tryphena
xx

I just wanna scream and lose control, throw my hands up and let it go.

This feeling of wanting to break down.
This feeling of trying to keep everything together.
It's so familiar but yet,
It's something that I do not really know of.

My body ached for this pain.
The only thing that would
If not silence, numb the voices in my head.
I ached to breathe again, to live through today.
I ached to feel the blood running through my veins,
Showing me signs that I am still alive,
That I am strong.
I need this pain
Even though I know it hurts you more than me.

I need to straighten up, to stand tall.
I need to be able to say hi, give a hug.
I need to be happy, to smile
I need to be there when you need me.
I need to be able to be strong for those who can't be strong for themselves.
I need to lift my head, to say I'm proud of you.
I need to be able to tell you I love you, like I've never been hurt before.
I need to be everything I can be, instead of what I can't be.

I need to be strong,
So that I don't fall.
I must not be weak,
I have miles to run.
I cannot trip because I don't know if
I'm able to pick myself up.

\

I have to be strong because I have no reason to be weak.

As told to me, for her.

You asked me what's wrong,
I say it's nothing.
I always say nothing,
Even though I know you are nowhere near believing me.
How can I tell you what's wrong,
When you are the only reason that I'm not fine.

I will be that person who will always be there for you.
I will always be the one to fix you up every time you break down.
Just so you are able to run back to him, whole again.
I know you love me,
But how I wish it was enough.

I know the way you look at him.
Guess it's the way I look at you too.
Everytime you put his arm around you,
I had to look away
Just to lessen this pain
Even though I know it will do no good at all.
I see how you lie on his shoulder,
I feel myself short of breathe
As if I'm slowly losing my sanity, losing myself.

I know I will never mean anything that will amount as much as he will to you.
I know I told you that
My feelings should not, cannot, and will not matter in this.
If only you knew how much it took me to tell you this.
I want you to be happy,
That is what I always wanted for you.
You deserve to be happy,
Even if it means me backing off
And letting you go.

Nevertheless,
I wish you belonged to me.
You would be my treasure,
And I would never hurt you like the others.
I would be able to love you forever.
And I would not need to write this,
Hoping you would see this.

You are everything that I want and everything that I can never have.

The moments you live for, the little things that keep you going.

For the first time ever, three sentences actually made me speechless.

I was randomly talking to my best friend about her future that includes beautiful babies which she almost always add a "pffffftttt" to before I can finish my sentence. And she said "You have a future too." I was messed up in the head at that time. I was upset over some things but I'm not sure what, everything from the past just came back to me. I was feeling so horrible then.

I put my arms behind my head and spoke my mind without meaning to.

"No, I would be the one who is nice to everyone and get screwed over in the end."

I never expected an answer from whatever I said, so basically, I honestly did not expect her to give me this answer at all.

I was staring at the window behind her with my hands resting comfortably behind my head. Then, she spoke without looking at me.

"Not everyone leaves."

I was stunned. She continued, this time looking at me,

"Not everyone will screw you over. I won't."

With that, she smiled at me and said nothing else.

Usually my instinct would tell me to reject this or to stop trying to believe it. But this time, its shouts are nothing but soft, tame purrs. And by some miracle, I actually believed her.

Is it wrong to be scared to trust that people would actually stay? Or is it easier to push this away just so I won't get hurt again?

People like to make promises the same way they like to break them. No one keeps promises nowadays, right? I know I always keep promises but does anyone do that anymore?

She is my best friend and this time, I find no reason to NOT believe that she will stay and be there. In fact, I do not need a reasaon to believe her. I just do and I guess that's enough for me.

\

You know the little things you look forward to everyday?
The people that makes your day when you see them?
The moments in some days that makes you feel complete?
The little things in life that you hold on to so that it keeps you going?

This is who amd what I hang on to, the only reason I am still breathing here.
If I ever lose these, I have nothing else left, nothing left to live for.

This might be my end, this time I might actually understand.

My tyre punctured today. Yes, very interesting.

This 100th post is dedicated to Francine and Timmy for rescuing me when I punctured my tyre. Love you guys.

Hi.

I haven't been posting about what I have been up to these days. So, this entry will most probably be about what I did for the past week and it will make me sound like a homeless hobo.

So I was staying over at Francine's for about a whole week. We did nothing much. Timmy a.k.a Timothy also came over. We chilledand watched a lot of movies and our movie marathons often end at about 2 in the morning so yeah, we sent Tim back home after watching a zombie or a paranormal movie. I got paranoid, hah.

7 Cheese pizza from Pizza Hut is amazing. For those who are reading this, if you love cheese, you have to try this. If you don't, you are seriously missing out on a lot.

I am never a fan of horror movies but watching it with friends seems less scarier than expected. When I got scared, all I have to do is pull the blankets over my head and hide behind Francine. and if ahe's scared, she'll hide behind Tim while I hide behind her. Poor Tim, he has no one to hide behind to.

So, that's what we did for the past week. Yes, this happened for the past 6 days. Yes, it was fun. No, we did not break anything.

I love good company and these two retards are good company. So I had a really good time.

My head is killing me.

Stay tune for more... Anything really.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Keep holding on, cause I know you'll make it through, we'll make it through.

For those who mean the whole to me, you know who you are

You're not alone, not really.
I'm here right now, yes, I'll take your hand.
I won't leave you, no, I'm not going anywhere.
This is not the end, it's just another beginning.
Another chapter in your life,
Just like how you read the next part of a book.
I'm sorry if it rains and you forgot your umbrella.
I'm sorry if it feels like the end, like you have nowhere to go,
And you wish everything would just stop for the sake of your mental being.
Don't tell me that you give up,
Cause you know I won't give up on you, ever.
If you feel lost, tell me,
And I'll tell the world to find you.
If you're weary, let me know,
I'll be that strength that you need to pull through.

Not everyone is perfect, no one expects you to.
Breathe and keep going, the suffering never lasts forever.
One day if I leave this world early,
Remember that I love you.
Remember that you matter more than I will ever matter to myself.
Remember this promise in hope that you can find that ray of sunshine from it,
So that it can get you through the tunnel of darkness.
No matter what happens,
Please remember that I love you.

From, Tryphena