Not fair.

Dear God, this is not fair. It sucks enough that there's more than 3000 miles between us. It's not fair that I still have feelings after 3 years. It's not fair for me to keep having hope even though I know that it might not work out. How can I look at other people and not be jealous? It's not fair.

Words always fail when it comes to you.

I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you


I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow


Hello!
I've just got to let you know
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

We are alright, it'll be alright.

Never simple, never easy.

I'm sitting here, trying so hard
To strike a conversation.
It shouldn't be hard, it never should be.
So, why am I so scared?
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, I just am.
I don't know what to say, I don't know where to start,
Not anymore.

Looking at you, I know I've hurt you bad.
I don't know what to do to fix this.
I can only keep blaming myself
Even though you said it's okay.
I know that was the last thing you expected from me.
Words could not describe what I'm feeling.
I have so much to say, but I can't find the words to say it.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry I can't undo this.
I'm sorry I caused this in the first place.
I'm sorry I let it consume me.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
I'm sorry I can't find more words to say everything.

Yesterday made it to my list top 3 bad days.
24 hours have never felt so long.
I know it didn't really affect you, but
I've never cried so much in a day,
Never cried that much in my dream too.
I felt myself die.
I felt my mind shutting down, as if
I'm having a heart attack or something.
I remember not being able to see something
Without having a kind of fear.
And then, when I see you
My heart stopped.
I felt something stabbed it,
Reviving it but killing it
Both at the same time.

I know I won't lose you
But sometimes, it just feels like I will.
If I could make this better,
You know I would.
You are important to me,
I can't be perfect but I can try.
I'm sorry for everything.
At least I understand now.

I can't breathe, but I have to.

It's a better day today, I guess. It didn't rain. Everything is "fine"? I'm just waiting for this to pass. I'm trying to breathe, I guess. It has to be better, I don't have a choice.

I'm trying to smile again. So far, nothing's working. I never told myself that it would be easy. Guess feelings like this just drags you in and you can't get out. Even breathing is hard.

It's killing me but I can't let it show.

I know I'm the option, don't tell me I'm not.

Don't lie to me or give me the lamest excuses. I am not blind and it's obvious.

Fear. Of losing the people that you love.

So, it's like 12.14am and I can't sleep because whenever I close my eyes, I see my best friend on the brink of death in the hospital and then she dies. What the frick.. Francine, I blame you.

Okay, so here's the thing. I've always had the fear of losing the people that I love in one a way or another. Usually they leave out of my life but then, the other way is that they die which did not happen.

Whenever my inseurities get the best of me, I'll be afraid that they will leave me suddenly, something like a break up. When I am cantent that I have friends that I know that will stay forever, I HAD to overthink everything and become paranoid that I will lose them to death.

Seriously? Brain?

Apparently I have a vivid imaginaiton so I can make the things in my mind look so real that it seems like reality. It is so annoying.

I mean, anything can happen right? Every dreams can seem so real.

I need to breathe because I think I will go crazy thinking about this.

The pain never stops but it hurts so much that you don't feel it anymore.

Basketball hurts.

So last Saturday, which was three days ago, was our school's basketball game. I have experienced different levels of pain ranging from "ant bite" to "almost child birth"

My team did the best we could. We don't really care that we lost every match. We gave our all and that was enough for us.

But...

We did get hurt. Hahahahahaha.. And that was sorta fun because we did it as a team, right? No.

During our last match, I was knee somewhere in the pelvis. Okay, to be specific, it was at the bone waaayyyy below where you get your period cramps. Yeah, I was knee there with someone's actual frickkin' hard knee.

I remember being in so much pain that the color white is all I can see when I hit the ground. I could't talk. I was on the floor, like a ball. I remember Francine's voice asking me if I'm alright and then I hear the referee and the teacher's voices. If this is what guys feel when they get kicked in the nuts, dudes, I feel your pain.

Why me?

Ugh.

And then for the past two days, I had to walk like a duck, literally because apparently, we are using our thigh mucles when we walk. We also use our thigh muscles to sit down, stand up, squat down and get up. Using the staircase was like torture. On Monday, there are five flights of stair in between my classroom and I.

Oh well.. And I remember being scratched, punched, ran into and knocked into during the basketball game. I think it's more of a cat fight rather than a ball game.

Pshahahahahahahahaha. Need to get ready for futsal this week.

Ciao (:

I worry less now but I'm not sure what's my point (:

I used to worry. Not saying that I don't worry now but I worry a lot less.

Today, we were trying to tiptoe pass that sea of filthy water. You went first, like a pro. I was the genius. I tried to step on the spaces that had not been polluted by the water.

I ended up standing on one leg like a pelican and nearly fell. If I did fall, I would be landing on the dirty water, of course. Luckily, I hung on to the "tiang". So, yay, I stayed clean.

You laughed at me, calling me an epic fail. I'm not sure why but it felt like old times and I am reminded that I miss it a lot.

You were sitting down already. I sat down leaning on the "tiang", right in front of you. It feel exactly like old times. We didn't say much but the silence felt so comfortable. Like I've said, just like old times where there was only you and I.

I know I told you before that I was scared. I told you everything. I told you I'm okay with it now.

I was told that I needed to grieve for this because it is somehow a loss for me. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing but it is something I have to deal with. I know you promised that you won't leave but sometimes that fear that one day you might leave can consume me and make me feel empty.

I'm not lying when I say I'm okay with everything. I am okay. I just didn't tell you how much I had to go through to be okay. Knowing that I am not your priority any longer gets to me sometimes, you know. You are still my number 1. Even if a guy comes along, you will always be number 1.

I don't ask for much. We both know and have discussed that understanding something doesn't take away the feelings that we feel. So, I just ask that you won't hate me if I want a little attention from you sometimes.

I know things change. Hell, everything is changing every second. Don't hate me for missing you because time is no longer flexible for us, we don't get to hang as much and we have less time in school already.

I like the old times. It was easy, now is still easy but it's harder in a different sense.

So, please stay kay? You're one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And I can't lose you. To anything or anyone.