I can't help myself from looking out of the window. They say, in order to move forward with your life, you cannot look back. Then again, what happens when you are not leaving but leaving behind?
I am sitting here in the plane, waiting for the passengers to finish boarding. I reckon most of them are either going back from a sadly short vacation or going home. Most of them wear a hijab and are alone so I'm assuming they are all students and are going back for their holidays.
Taking off is slow as usual. It is as if it's giving me a chance to jump off the plane and yell "I'm not leaving!". The temptation to do so gets stronger as the plane starts to get on the take off lane.
"We're ready for take off," says the captain and my brain switches to full panic mode. "Wait, I'm staying" Obviously I was too late and all I can do is just sit here helplessly as the plane flies off full speed in to the air.
My eyes desperately tries to take in every familiar building that swishes by; My brain tries to recall where every single building is and their purposes. Secretly, I was searching frantically for my house, in hopes of catching a last glimpse of it, even though I know damn well that it's on the other side of the city.
As the plane disappears off into the clouds, sadly with me in it, I was forced to stay in my seat and just accept the fact that I am flying off. So, what happens when you're not leaving but leaving behind? They don't tell you anything about it but I'll tell you now that it's not bad to look back. After all, all your stories, your dreams, your beginning started there. It's only fair that you never ever forget that.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
First blog post as a 21 year old.
I have not written in a long time, I have good reasons for it. Well, at least I think it's good. I don't know why I am explaining since I am talking to myself here.
I was home for the holidays, still am though. I have been doing practically nothing productive because there is nothing productive of my own to be done. House work and chores are different things. I'd just procrastinate until literally 20 minutes before my mum comes home and just finish it really really quickly. It looks something like Hit Girl in the movie Kick Ass 2, after she was given the adrenaline shot.
Things have been okay, I guess. At least that's what I would say to a stranger because I don't know how to explain what I have been feeling lately. Plus, people don't ask how are you to get an answer. It's small talk, they just want an "okay" and next question. Given all the time that I spend alone in KL, I have a tendency to keep things to myself now, or to my blog. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just became more private and you will only see what I show you.
I have been 21 for about a week now. I didn't expect anything like what happened with Harry Potter when he turned 11, to happen. It was nice to not feel the difference but then again, you do feel the urgency to become more responsible, more productive, more successful and so on because I am legally an adult now. With that being said, I also understand that with me being older, it means my parents are aging too, which further stressed my responsibility as the eldest in the family, to be more of an adult.
At 21, people would have expected you to be... not lost. Unfortunately, here I am, feeling as lost as I was 3 years ago, the only difference is that I was on my own. I had a best friend 3 years ago. She's gone now and I am alone. Again, it's not bad, I haven learnt to be content on my own now but it'd be nice to have someone, yknow.
However, I would like to look at the bright side of not knowing what to do with myself:
1. I am studying in a course that I really really like, which means I am most likely to go into that in the future.
2. I still see the importance of writing in my life and I am lucky because I still have something that I love that is mine.
3. I have the possibilities of everything lying ahead of me BECAUSE I don't have a plan.
4. I know what to look for slowly from my own experiences and even so, I can just change things if I don't like them.
5. I get to be selfish first.
6. I can try anything that I want and not regret it.
That's enough of me talking about me to me. I am surprisingly enjoying this. It beats talking to people because I am not a judgmental person and it sucks when people are. They say, you are your own best friend, yeah, in a lot of ways, it's true :)
I was home for the holidays, still am though. I have been doing practically nothing productive because there is nothing productive of my own to be done. House work and chores are different things. I'd just procrastinate until literally 20 minutes before my mum comes home and just finish it really really quickly. It looks something like Hit Girl in the movie Kick Ass 2, after she was given the adrenaline shot.
Things have been okay, I guess. At least that's what I would say to a stranger because I don't know how to explain what I have been feeling lately. Plus, people don't ask how are you to get an answer. It's small talk, they just want an "okay" and next question. Given all the time that I spend alone in KL, I have a tendency to keep things to myself now, or to my blog. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just became more private and you will only see what I show you.
I have been 21 for about a week now. I didn't expect anything like what happened with Harry Potter when he turned 11, to happen. It was nice to not feel the difference but then again, you do feel the urgency to become more responsible, more productive, more successful and so on because I am legally an adult now. With that being said, I also understand that with me being older, it means my parents are aging too, which further stressed my responsibility as the eldest in the family, to be more of an adult.
At 21, people would have expected you to be... not lost. Unfortunately, here I am, feeling as lost as I was 3 years ago, the only difference is that I was on my own. I had a best friend 3 years ago. She's gone now and I am alone. Again, it's not bad, I haven learnt to be content on my own now but it'd be nice to have someone, yknow.
However, I would like to look at the bright side of not knowing what to do with myself:
1. I am studying in a course that I really really like, which means I am most likely to go into that in the future.
2. I still see the importance of writing in my life and I am lucky because I still have something that I love that is mine.
3. I have the possibilities of everything lying ahead of me BECAUSE I don't have a plan.
4. I know what to look for slowly from my own experiences and even so, I can just change things if I don't like them.
5. I get to be selfish first.
6. I can try anything that I want and not regret it.
That's enough of me talking about me to me. I am surprisingly enjoying this. It beats talking to people because I am not a judgmental person and it sucks when people are. They say, you are your own best friend, yeah, in a lot of ways, it's true :)
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Things that I found to be true after 21 years of living.
1. Eating good food everyday is not exactly a blessing, indigestion follows closely after that.
2. It should make a difference when someone loves you.
3. Good teachers may not necessarily be good people.
4. Apologizing always eases the tension after a fight.
5. You will always remember the people that you used to love. You will remember every detail of how you come to stop loving them. It will still hurt you, even if you're over it.
6. You will have dreams of killing people that pissed you off in real life, it's okay.
7. It's also okay to want a goat, an alpaca and a flying carpet.
8.You may stray a little growing up but you will go back to doing what you love. For me, it's writing and reading.
9. Growing up is shit. And very painful.
10. You will really REALLY love a person. They will eventually screw you over because that's what people do.
11. Being friends with yourself is nice, you don't really go wrong there.
12. Don't fall in love because everyone else had someone. You don't need anyone, you can survive very well on your own.
13. Make new friends, they can change and probably save your life.
14. Invest in a hobby, You're doing it for you, there's nothing wrong with that.
15. It's okay to want to punch people in the face but it's not okay if you actually do it. I'm sure you're not sorry after doing it.
16. It's okay to want to make people hurt just like how they hurt you. It will help you grieve.
17. It's okay to kiss guys and girls, as long as they don't belong to someone.
18. Writing is good for the soul, well, your soul. I don't know about other people.
19. It's okay to not love someone who loves you. If it's not there, it's not your fault.
21. It's okay to not follow the order of numbers because it's my blog, fuck you.
22. Everyone has their own stories of happiness and loss. Listen because they help you understand life more.
23. You can do so much more than you want to give yourself credit for. Don't be fucking modest, they get you nowhere.
24. You will want to change for someone, you will not want to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. It's cool, you'll come back.
25. There will be days where you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed, play Sims 3 and starve.
26. Swearing is not okay or polite but you will start swearing because everyone is swearing. You will continue swearing because you won't know how to fucking stop swearing.
27. Sadness will always be a comfort zone and you will not be able to understand it but you will get out of it, slowly.
28. There will be days where you would want someone to love you but it's still cool if you don't feel like that two hours after.
29. Loving a guy is cool, loving a girl is cool too. You're able to love, unlike Voldermort.
20. The best "day" of your life will be a collection of moments that you don't want to forget: The way someone looks at you. The way that someone smiled at you. That day when you laughed so hard that you thought you beat depression. The day where you are happy to be alive.
30. Birthdays aren't all that special. It's just how you see the birth of yourself. YOU. Not anyone else, so congratulate yourself for making it this far. I would know, my birthday was just yesterday.
2. It should make a difference when someone loves you.
3. Good teachers may not necessarily be good people.
4. Apologizing always eases the tension after a fight.
5. You will always remember the people that you used to love. You will remember every detail of how you come to stop loving them. It will still hurt you, even if you're over it.
6. You will have dreams of killing people that pissed you off in real life, it's okay.
7. It's also okay to want a goat, an alpaca and a flying carpet.
8.You may stray a little growing up but you will go back to doing what you love. For me, it's writing and reading.
9. Growing up is shit. And very painful.
10. You will really REALLY love a person. They will eventually screw you over because that's what people do.
11. Being friends with yourself is nice, you don't really go wrong there.
12. Don't fall in love because everyone else had someone. You don't need anyone, you can survive very well on your own.
13. Make new friends, they can change and probably save your life.
14. Invest in a hobby, You're doing it for you, there's nothing wrong with that.
15. It's okay to want to punch people in the face but it's not okay if you actually do it. I'm sure you're not sorry after doing it.
16. It's okay to want to make people hurt just like how they hurt you. It will help you grieve.
17. It's okay to kiss guys and girls, as long as they don't belong to someone.
18. Writing is good for the soul, well, your soul. I don't know about other people.
19. It's okay to not love someone who loves you. If it's not there, it's not your fault.
21. It's okay to not follow the order of numbers because it's my blog, fuck you.
22. Everyone has their own stories of happiness and loss. Listen because they help you understand life more.
23. You can do so much more than you want to give yourself credit for. Don't be fucking modest, they get you nowhere.
24. You will want to change for someone, you will not want to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. It's cool, you'll come back.
25. There will be days where you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed, play Sims 3 and starve.
26. Swearing is not okay or polite but you will start swearing because everyone is swearing. You will continue swearing because you won't know how to fucking stop swearing.
27. Sadness will always be a comfort zone and you will not be able to understand it but you will get out of it, slowly.
28. There will be days where you would want someone to love you but it's still cool if you don't feel like that two hours after.
29. Loving a guy is cool, loving a girl is cool too. You're able to love, unlike Voldermort.
20. The best "day" of your life will be a collection of moments that you don't want to forget: The way someone looks at you. The way that someone smiled at you. That day when you laughed so hard that you thought you beat depression. The day where you are happy to be alive.
30. Birthdays aren't all that special. It's just how you see the birth of yourself. YOU. Not anyone else, so congratulate yourself for making it this far. I would know, my birthday was just yesterday.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Happiness seen in a moment.
"I was there for a while and then, I.." I watched him while he was telling me a story. I had asked him about his life and the kind of changes that took place. He was said to be a very busy person but he seemed content. I was positively curious, and somehow intrigued.
I watched him as he talked about his move from a city to another big city, his "dead-end" job that he later quit after 4 months. He was animated and on the roll. His story consisted of misfits, mistakes, misheard directions and mischief. His tone was light as he described the tall and grey skyscrapers that pretty much resembled skeletons of the post-apocalyptic world in some movie that I have never heard of. It was like a little boy telling his mother about his day. He was excited and enthusiastic, and simply full of life.
I asked him if he regretted moving so much because he mentioned that he was homeless once. I was genuinely concerned because to be homeless in a city that you have never been in is a completely disaster. He was amused with my question and it puzzled me. He obviously saw the puzzlement on my face because he answered immediately, "Yeah, it was horrible but I wouldn't change it for the world." I cocked my head to the side, now I was confused. I honestly thought that I was talking to a man who was completely out of it. He was casual, actually a little too casual which increases my curiosity but I patiently waited for his next sentence, as it looks like it was at the tip of his tongue.
"Then a few months later, I met her." He said, again in his casual tone. Then, something happened. He smiled, right after he said "her". No, it's not the type when you're trying to be nice. It's the type where you can tell the thought of "her" makes his world stop. His eyes closed in reflex and you can see the creases at the side of his eyes. His lips curled up involuntarily as he broke into a full, teeth-showing smile. His cheeks turned pink as he lowered his head at the thought of her. I have never seen someone so happy in a long time.
"You love her?" I asked.
He nodded as he looked up to meet my eyes. "I love her so much." Just like this, his world made sense and his life was better. From that, I understood that spirit of his. He was happy about the good things, he wasn't even bothered by the bad things. Nothing can touch him, he can conquer the world, for her. The rest of our conversation continued from there. The smile on his face never faltered.
After that, I can never stop replaying the way he smiled at the though of her. It was so rare, so genuine and so human. He loves her and it shows on his face that he would give anything for her. Maybe being in love isn't bad thing, I can't be sure though. However, the thing at the moment was that he was happy so I was happy for him.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Day 12 of 30 challenge: What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
Obviously from the last post, you'd know that when I love, I really love. My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is that when they leave me, I wouldn't be able to put myself back together.
It happened to me though. No, it's not a relationship, I didn't date that person but we had a real relationship, as in connection. That person was the first person that I really truly loved and that person was one of the most important person of my life. it happened to me because I didn't think that they would leave.
I trusted that person, I love that person. When they left, I felt like I was dropped on my butt. I thought that I had felt the worst of pains when something similar happened to me when I was 15 but I was wrong. I was devastated. I was at a sense of loss that I didn't understand, I felt like a compass that forgot where North is. I was completely useless to everyone because all I wanted to do was to go back to that person, or at least to that person I once knew.
There were days where I couldn't breathe, as if holding my breath was easier because every breath was just as painful as a stab to the chest. Actually, I would take that stab to the chest, thank you very much. Everyday felt like I was drowning but I couldn't die. I was in so much pain that I didn't know how to function without wanting to scream every single time I took a step. then, this numbness took over and I thought numbness was suppose to make you numb. No, it burned and the pain intensified, screaming just does nothing to help. I don't understand how I could still be alive right now.
I still feel it everyday. Every god damn day. You don't just get over this kind of pain, you feel it everyday, the after effects, everything. It doesn't leave you. The pain and burning and panic comes once in a while, and when I see that person, everything that I felt would come back, it'd be like it never left. I paid so dearly with that one time when I let my guard, my whole guard down. I was destroyed and I couldn't pick myself up after.
That person tells me to open up because I needed to and they were the last person that I opened up to. Fuck you, letting you in was the biggest mistake of my life. You destroyed me, completely utterly destroyed me. You left me there in pieces and you expect me to be okay just because you said I would be? You gave me pain, pain that I didn't understand and I didn't know human beings are supposed to feel this kind of pain. Congratulations, you have rendered me completely useless and broken me beyond repair, my repair.
Are you proud of yourself? Will this be added to your lists of accomplishments? Will you do this to other people too? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I STILL LOVE YOU. I still want you to be happy, I want you to smile, I still want the best for you.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH, I STILL LOVE YOU. God, help me, I still love you so much and I don't know what to do.
It happened to me though. No, it's not a relationship, I didn't date that person but we had a real relationship, as in connection. That person was the first person that I really truly loved and that person was one of the most important person of my life. it happened to me because I didn't think that they would leave.
I trusted that person, I love that person. When they left, I felt like I was dropped on my butt. I thought that I had felt the worst of pains when something similar happened to me when I was 15 but I was wrong. I was devastated. I was at a sense of loss that I didn't understand, I felt like a compass that forgot where North is. I was completely useless to everyone because all I wanted to do was to go back to that person, or at least to that person I once knew.
There were days where I couldn't breathe, as if holding my breath was easier because every breath was just as painful as a stab to the chest. Actually, I would take that stab to the chest, thank you very much. Everyday felt like I was drowning but I couldn't die. I was in so much pain that I didn't know how to function without wanting to scream every single time I took a step. then, this numbness took over and I thought numbness was suppose to make you numb. No, it burned and the pain intensified, screaming just does nothing to help. I don't understand how I could still be alive right now.
I still feel it everyday. Every god damn day. You don't just get over this kind of pain, you feel it everyday, the after effects, everything. It doesn't leave you. The pain and burning and panic comes once in a while, and when I see that person, everything that I felt would come back, it'd be like it never left. I paid so dearly with that one time when I let my guard, my whole guard down. I was destroyed and I couldn't pick myself up after.
That person tells me to open up because I needed to and they were the last person that I opened up to. Fuck you, letting you in was the biggest mistake of my life. You destroyed me, completely utterly destroyed me. You left me there in pieces and you expect me to be okay just because you said I would be? You gave me pain, pain that I didn't understand and I didn't know human beings are supposed to feel this kind of pain. Congratulations, you have rendered me completely useless and broken me beyond repair, my repair.
Are you proud of yourself? Will this be added to your lists of accomplishments? Will you do this to other people too? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I STILL LOVE YOU. I still want you to be happy, I want you to smile, I still want the best for you.
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH, I STILL LOVE YOU. God, help me, I still love you so much and I don't know what to do.
Day 11 of 30 challenge: Are you a lover or a fighter?
I am both actually.
When I love, goddammit, I love.
I'd tell you that you look beautiful, perfect,
even with all your flaws that hung off your walls of insecurity.
I'd sing you songs that remind me of you.
I'd play you the songs that my heart beats to when I see you.
I'd say that you are a story waiting to be told,
these scars that you bear from falling down and wrong side of beds.
Holy shit, that smile, I blew it the moment you look my way.
You are the plot twist in the stories, you captivate people,
you are the climax, the one that everyone has been waiting for.
I'd write you songs, poems,
but then, I'd stop because
no combination of 26 alphabets could ever describe
what I feel for you.
And those eyes, they echo centuries and centuries of wisdom and insight,
I could stare at them for so long without feeling lost.
I'd have to set myself on fire.
Engulfed in flames,
that would be something that is only seemingly accurate
to this overflowing love that I feel for you.
I'd scream to the whole world that I love you.
Oh my god, I love you.
I wouldn't be able to understand it completely,
I wouldn't be able to understand how is it possible for someone to feel
so much, so much about someone,
and not explode.
Goddammit, I love you,
I love you so much.
A fighter, yeah, I am that too.
I'd beg you not to leave, I'd throw out every reason that I can make up to apologize.
I'd beg, on my knees, snot and tears, to fix things
I'd compromise, give whatever that I have.
I'd figure a way to make things work.
I'd refuse to take no for an answer.
I'd make it work,
I'd make us work.
Fucking hell,
I would do anything for you.
When I love, goddammit, I love.
I'd tell you that you look beautiful, perfect,
even with all your flaws that hung off your walls of insecurity.
I'd sing you songs that remind me of you.
I'd play you the songs that my heart beats to when I see you.
I'd say that you are a story waiting to be told,
these scars that you bear from falling down and wrong side of beds.
Holy shit, that smile, I blew it the moment you look my way.
You are the plot twist in the stories, you captivate people,
you are the climax, the one that everyone has been waiting for.
I'd write you songs, poems,
but then, I'd stop because
no combination of 26 alphabets could ever describe
what I feel for you.
And those eyes, they echo centuries and centuries of wisdom and insight,
I could stare at them for so long without feeling lost.
I'd have to set myself on fire.
Engulfed in flames,
that would be something that is only seemingly accurate
to this overflowing love that I feel for you.
I'd scream to the whole world that I love you.
Oh my god, I love you.
I wouldn't be able to understand it completely,
I wouldn't be able to understand how is it possible for someone to feel
so much, so much about someone,
and not explode.
Goddammit, I love you,
I love you so much.
A fighter, yeah, I am that too.
I'd beg you not to leave, I'd throw out every reason that I can make up to apologize.
I'd beg, on my knees, snot and tears, to fix things
I'd compromise, give whatever that I have.
I'd figure a way to make things work.
I'd refuse to take no for an answer.
I'd make it work,
I'd make us work.
Fucking hell,
I would do anything for you.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
On being happy? I guess.
I have people tell me that,
I am one of the happiest people that they have ever met
I laugh a lot, I smile also, they say.
Funny, because I feel like I am anything else
but, that.
I guess it's a compliment?
I started to focus on myself more, call me selfish
but it helps me with "loving myself more".
They are right, especially when it comes to that.
When you love yourself, everyone else can go fuck themselves.
At least, that's what I try to live by.
There are days where I still feel you linger in my thoughts,
my dreams, in conversations that I have
and sometimes, in little things that I do daily.
I think I still hold you dear and I will still call you babe.
On the other hand, I wish to scream at you,
to make you regret every name that you ever called me,
for making me feel inferior,
for making me beg you, with all the apologies that I could say in a breath,
for making me believe that I indeed a horrible person,
for making me believe that I was never worthy of trust, or love.
You made me believe that no one needed me
and I believed every word.
I still have those messages.
I can still hear you screaming at me on the phone.
I took your pictures down a few months ago.
I tucked them away, somewhere deep in my drawers.
Give me a few more months,
maybe I'll be able to burn them then.
I am one of the happiest people that they have ever met
I laugh a lot, I smile also, they say.
Funny, because I feel like I am anything else
but, that.
I guess it's a compliment?
I started to focus on myself more, call me selfish
but it helps me with "loving myself more".
They are right, especially when it comes to that.
When you love yourself, everyone else can go fuck themselves.
At least, that's what I try to live by.
There are days where I still feel you linger in my thoughts,
my dreams, in conversations that I have
and sometimes, in little things that I do daily.
I think I still hold you dear and I will still call you babe.
On the other hand, I wish to scream at you,
to make you regret every name that you ever called me,
for making me feel inferior,
for making me beg you, with all the apologies that I could say in a breath,
for making me believe that I indeed a horrible person,
for making me believe that I was never worthy of trust, or love.
You made me believe that no one needed me
and I believed every word.
I still have those messages.
I can still hear you screaming at me on the phone.
I took your pictures down a few months ago.
I tucked them away, somewhere deep in my drawers.
Give me a few more months,
maybe I'll be able to burn them then.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
On being alone
It's weird though. It's like no matter how hard I try, I never seem to fit in or belong anywhere. Take today as an example, it was sports' carnival and of course, you go on the bus and do everything as a group and without fail, I always seem to be the odd one that has to sit with a stranger. It's not like I mind, it's just it's be nice, you know, to sit with a friend.
And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.
I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.
I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.
I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.
I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.
I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.
Oh well. Till next time.
And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.
I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.
I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.
I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.
I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.
I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.
Oh well. Till next time.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Day 10 of 30 challenge: What do you dislike the most about yourself? (physically and emotionally)
Physically, easy. Would you like a list?
Okay, fine. The thing I dislike the most about myself physically is my stomach. It's big and it's like no matter what I do, it is still that big. I look 2 months pregnant even though I am not. It's sad but I have come to accept it and understand that I will never those girls on the billboard ads. It's a reminder that this is what I'll always be and I have to accept it. I don't mind much now but I still dislike it.
Emotionally, I hate the fact that I am never able to stop myself from loving someone, like I am very loyal. I will love you and full stop. Wow, that's sad. I have loved the same guy for the last 7 years and I never stopped. I loved my best friend since I met her. I still love her now even though we don't really talk anymore and I am no longer a necessity in her life. I never stop loving people even though I have to. As you can see from now, it brings back a lot of pain and memories that I don't want to remember.
Emotions - 1
Tryphena - 0
Well, this has been a pleasant post.
Have a nice day, everyone
Okay, fine. The thing I dislike the most about myself physically is my stomach. It's big and it's like no matter what I do, it is still that big. I look 2 months pregnant even though I am not. It's sad but I have come to accept it and understand that I will never those girls on the billboard ads. It's a reminder that this is what I'll always be and I have to accept it. I don't mind much now but I still dislike it.
Emotionally, I hate the fact that I am never able to stop myself from loving someone, like I am very loyal. I will love you and full stop. Wow, that's sad. I have loved the same guy for the last 7 years and I never stopped. I loved my best friend since I met her. I still love her now even though we don't really talk anymore and I am no longer a necessity in her life. I never stop loving people even though I have to. As you can see from now, it brings back a lot of pain and memories that I don't want to remember.
Emotions - 1
Tryphena - 0
Well, this has been a pleasant post.
Have a nice day, everyone
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