Hi Francine. I know I've said this a lot of times when I called or talked to you. I miss you. I wish you were here. I really really need you here. Oh well, hope you're well. Love you.

On sadness.

I know I'm sad

I know it by the way I smile

when the day is over,

my cheeks hurt and 

I guess I smiled a little too much

and I didn't feel like smiling at all, after that.

I know I'm trying,

trying to live, or 

at least trying to take it a day at a time

slowly

very slowly

I know I'm going to survive

it's just that right now,

I can't smile or laugh properly

I keep hoping that I won't wake up

it's just that right now,

I can't be happy

but I'm still going, even though

I'm crawling 

but I'm still going

slowly

a little day by day

To die would be an awfully big adventure.

- Peter Pan

for now.

left wrist sore,
two paper towels, soaked.
my head is spinning and
the voices in my head,
they're gone,
for now.

left wrist, throbbing
no pain but deep breaths.
Finally,
I'm alone in my own head
even if
it's only for now.

Puppies :)

I dream that I saw someone getting eaten by a crocodile. I got super horrified.

Then, I dream about trying to talk to a best friend which I don't feel like talking to anymore. I got pissed of about something and then, the rest of the dream is just her trying to look for me to talk and me just hiding in places, trying not to be found.

The following dream is me flying on a broomstick, super cool feeling. I felt happy and it was a rush. Then, I met another one of my close friend and she started talking to me about my best friend from the dream before. I was still annoyed and of course, I didn't want to listen when she was helping her to talk to me. I remember her trying to hold on to me, and I just shrugged her of and tried very hard to fly high so that she couldn't get me. I remember hiding also after that.

The best is the last. I dream that I got a puppy. I was in love with it. It was small and fluffy. I love it and there's no words to describe it. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up to find that it's not real..

Sigh. Puppy.

pretending.

I waved goodbye

and

I smiled, like I meant it.

Then, I closed my door

so that

I can stop pretending.

yo te extraño.

I miss you.

It's not much

when I say that

but

yeah,

I miss you.

Close

This close to crying

this close to breaking down

and

this close,

to just losing it.

The voices in my head 

they need to stop

they need to stop

I need my mind back

I don't want to run because 

I can't

I am so tired

So so tired

I have no words to describe it

there is no one to talk to here

I know they would have listened

but I know they wouldn't understand

I want someone to understand

I want someone to be there

but I can't allow them to

because I know I may reveal parts of me

the dark parts that not many can accept

It is not possible for someone to feel

this weary

this much pain

and still be functioning normally

To have these voices in your head

it's not normal.

I'm not normal.

Voices.

I am trying my best, my very best to drown the voices in my head. I am playing music so loud that I feel my brain bouncing in my head. I have never felt this absent in so long.

This is another new level of self loathing. Last night, I've hated myself so much that I fell asleep thinking of not waking up. They say comparing yourself with other is not a good thing but it is, to help you realize what you have. What I realize is that I am nothing. And I am just hating myself for so much more reasons than I had 5 years ago.

The voices in my head just agreed. I am just a waste of space. I am absolutely nothing.


And I am,

this close

to giving it

all up.

beautiful.

how is it that you still look utterly breathtaking even in your worst days, with your messy hair, baggy clothes? You are drinking your coffee with your eyes down at a book. Your right hand came up to tuck your long bangs behind your ear as you silently exhale. Then, your lashes flick with your eyes looking up to meet mine. I froze. I forgot how to breathe.

you look so beautiful, perfect, without even trying.