Just because this songs helps me breathe.

\ 

Where was I when the rockets came to life and carried you away into the alligator sky?

Another level of nothingness.

I am currently starving.

I know what you people, who are reading, going to say, GO GET FOOD!

For someone who likes, LOVES food, I am quite often hungry because I am too lazy to get food.

I don't think it's only food. It's everything. I refuse to do anything these days. I would just want to stare at something till it's time to sleep. It's pretty much like what happened 5 years ago but at least, I was able to finish my homework or at least be useful before zoning out.

Just like the book, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie experiences that feeling of knowing that it's bad again. That feeling of not knowing how to stop "that". You know that you're spiraling back to that place and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's not hallucinating. It's not the hearing voices. It's just that something that is slowly clouding your life. I don't know if it's worse or anything but I know I will be in a bad place like last time, only this time, I can't afford to be broken.

I am hoping, genuinely hoping that I will be okay because I have no one right now. I tried calling you but you didn't pick up both times. For the third time, I pressed "End" before it started to ring. I am not sure if I was afraid that you wouldn't pick up or I was right about you not picking up. I know you're probably busy and you might not be able to answer the phone but I am selfishly hoping that you would call back even though I know you won't. I know I shouldn't expect so much of people but I am willingly to do that much that I am asking of people. I am sure you know that because I have never stopped proving that to you.

I feel nothing. This time, it's weird. It's like my body is numb and my heart has stopped beating. Everything was suppose to hurt with every beating pulse but it doesn't. I am not sure if it's a good thing but I assume that it's not. I don't know how bad everything is because I can't seem to feel anything right now, except an occasional shiver. I hope you call back or leave me a message, I really do. I need to talk to you or at least pretend that you're close. I know I shouldn't expect anything from you after everything but I still hope that I may be proven wrong.

For now, I need to be okay. There is no way out for this because I have no idea how. I know things will be complicated especially when I panic when it starts again. If I do end up trying to end this, I don't know how far I'll be willing to push my own limits.

Aren't you?

Hey you!
Yeah, you, the one whose reading this.
Aren't you tired from life?
No? Well, I'm not either.
I am tired of people.
I am tired of pretending and caring.
I.. I just want this, all this to be over

You know those times when you just want to let it go
but you can't.
Then, you tell yourself
It's not important.
It doesn't have to bother you
but it just does.

And you chose to ignore it
or maybe
deal with it a little later

And then,
when it's time to deal with it,
you just refuse to open yourself up
to let yourself feel
because you are pretty sure that
you're not able to patch yourself up if
whatever that you are feeling starts to eat you up.

Aren't you tired of pretending that something doesn't bother you
when that is all that it does, the whole time
even when you're not thinking about it.
Aren't you tired of putting on that face
when none of it seems worth it
To pretend that things are fine when
they choose to be what it was before
To hope that it lasts when
they choose to be how they are now

Aren't you tired of stepping on eggshells
Always trying to guess what mask you should put on
Like when things are good,
you let out a sigh of relieve
When things are not,
you just hold your breathe
And hope that somehow you don't die
Sometimes, I just wish that I'll sink
so that I can somehow disappear from this scenario

There's not much you can do about this
because it's not you, you're sure about that
You don't know what's wrong but
you just know none of this is right

Aren't you tired of getting mad
at things that doesn't have a foothold in your life yet
Aren't you tired of getting upset over something like this
when you know you have other things, people to live for

Aren't you tired of it?
because I am.

God damn, You're Beautiful by Chester See

The only song that makes me feel everything, EVERYTHING that I refuse to feel.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I miss you.

The only song that allows me to think about you.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I love you.

The only song that gives me permission to break down and cry.

The only song that represents my weakness, you.

Difference: Drawing vs Writing

All has been well. And I am quite glad.

For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.

I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.

She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.

She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.

She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person

I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.

I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.

So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.

Writing FTW!

It's like I'm 15 again.

Hawthorne Heights - Rescue Me

Just breathe
The midnight air will do you well
Believe...
I miss your taste, I miss your smell
The past mistakes that brought you here 
Will break the fall for you, my dear
I'll ask the nurse for bandages
Don't send me on my way

Rescue me 
from everything, I 
just want to live, I 
wish I could breathe

Every other day
I sit and wait for same the bad news
Can you hear me say
"I've got nothing left to lose"
Someone please start making sense
And beg the lord for accidents
I've seen the worst case scenario
I'm slowly letting go
Rescue me 
from everything, I 
just want to live, I 
wish I could breathe
[x3]

Rescue me
from everything, I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe (wish I could breathe)

Rescue me (rescue me)
from everything (everything), I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe (wish I could breathe)

Rescue me (rescue me)
from everything (from everything), I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe

One of the bad days.

It's a long time since I've updated my blog. I feel weird if I don't update it. It's like I'm talking to myself but it's not?

I don't really do much now. All I want to do is just to curl up on my bed and sleep, or at least pretend to be asleep. My wrist hurts when I move it. Apparently, that wasn't enough to take the pain away.

I ended up on my bed, hidden well under my covers.

Almost every night for one week, I bled red, hoping that it would numb the pain for at least one night. One night of no dreams. Just deep sleep.

Nothing worked. I still dream of nothing but you. No one else but you.

I remember waking up in pain, in tears. I curled up tighter in my ball of blankets, as if hoping that the blankets would just come alive and swallow me whole.

Close your eyes before you hit the taxi.

It scares me how peaceful it felt even for that millisecond.

It's like you're free.

I want this feeling and I'm trying to get it without resorting to this.

We breathe in and then out.

even though it hurts, even though it's everyday but,

That's how we stay alive.

In the end.

Every time I promised myself that I'll forget the year 2012, I tend to find a reason to remind myself why I wanted to remember in the first place.

Every time I think of you, my mind goes back to year 2012, and everything just hurts and it doesn't go away.

I'd let the physical pain consume me till I don't feel this pain.

I'd bleed. I'd bleed myself dry, if it means I can forget everything.

I can't take this. It has been hurting for far too long anyway.

I need to function. I need to live MY life and be happy with it.

I don't want to let you make me feel like I'm not good enough because that is what I feel every single day.

I know you love me and I love you too but I'm the one who is always giving and I can't, not anymore.

I know sincerity and I know intentions. I know you too well to know if you're sincere and if you really did it for me.

I know I'll end up hurting even more because in the end, I'll always be the one who love and gave more.

Not you.

I know.

I know that he loves me. I know that he'll always be there.

That is enough for me.