I forgot how numbed pain makes you feel like
you're imploding on yourself.
The feeling is equivalent to an Eiffel Tower of cards,
collapsing in a few seconds
after hours and hours of hard work.
You get cold to your bones,
you grow weary as the day drags on and
you want to sleep, dream, sleep, hoping
you wouldn't wake up.
I tried vocalize how I felt.
Then, I realize no amount of effort could properly explain
that I just want to be held until I stop becoming a black hole.
I cannot expect the ones who claim to love me to
listen to a rant that does not have a conclusion.
They have lives, money to earn, bellies to fill -
lives, to live.
What makes me think that I have anything important enough
that takes priority over all those?
How selfish am I to ask them to listen to me over this?
However,
I forgot how deafening silence can be especially when you hear it
over the sound of yourself collapsing inside.
I forgot how pain silently hums all over your body in the midst of silence.
The sky is still the sky even when you're in pain,
somehow I'm still pretending not to be surprised by it.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
On nights alone
It's been days since I was able to feel my world return to normal speed. My mind has been hazy from lack of sleep. My body finally aches for the comfort of my bed. Finally, sleep is for the weary. I am the weary. I am the weary of many days, many sleepless night. I get to sleep.
However, with the lack of sleep, comes the weakening of mental walls. My chest begins to ache for the warmth of being loved. I used to curl up with her. I would feel her head tucked safely on the nook of my chest as her arm wrapped around my waist. She always felt so small, even more so when we are like this: My hand tangled in the hair on back of her head. Lips on top of her forehead and my nose resting just on her frontal, inhaling her scent in her hair. My favorite was her hand gently stroking the small of my back and just us breathing, existing at the same time in that very moment.
Now, all I feel is the ghost of being loved. A ghost that continues to haunt me on nights when I can't defend myself. Sometimes, I felt her arms wrap around me as I slept. It was such a good dream. There was peace, peace that I have long forgotten and have not found since she left. I still remember the way her fingers interlaced with mine and the kisses she planted on my back. You don't just forget about the way you were loved, especially when it was physically here and alive and incredibly overwhelming. You don't just forget, you can't.
Now I ache to have warm arms around me, light kisses planted on my forehead and have my body relax into someone else's. I want my fingers interlocking with someone else's. I want their scent on my pillow, my shirts, me. I want to wake up in their arms, to them planting kisses on my collarbone, them tracing the bridge of my nose gently with the tip of their finger. I want to be able to sigh in relief, in peace, in joy, not in pain.
I just don't want to be alone right now but I don't really have a choice in that.
However, with the lack of sleep, comes the weakening of mental walls. My chest begins to ache for the warmth of being loved. I used to curl up with her. I would feel her head tucked safely on the nook of my chest as her arm wrapped around my waist. She always felt so small, even more so when we are like this: My hand tangled in the hair on back of her head. Lips on top of her forehead and my nose resting just on her frontal, inhaling her scent in her hair. My favorite was her hand gently stroking the small of my back and just us breathing, existing at the same time in that very moment.
Now, all I feel is the ghost of being loved. A ghost that continues to haunt me on nights when I can't defend myself. Sometimes, I felt her arms wrap around me as I slept. It was such a good dream. There was peace, peace that I have long forgotten and have not found since she left. I still remember the way her fingers interlaced with mine and the kisses she planted on my back. You don't just forget about the way you were loved, especially when it was physically here and alive and incredibly overwhelming. You don't just forget, you can't.
Now I ache to have warm arms around me, light kisses planted on my forehead and have my body relax into someone else's. I want my fingers interlocking with someone else's. I want their scent on my pillow, my shirts, me. I want to wake up in their arms, to them planting kisses on my collarbone, them tracing the bridge of my nose gently with the tip of their finger. I want to be able to sigh in relief, in peace, in joy, not in pain.
I just don't want to be alone right now but I don't really have a choice in that.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
To 13 and a half year old Tryphena
To 13 and a half year old Tryphena
I wish I could give you a hug. I know this was the year you felt the loneliest. I know this was the year that that accidental cut on your arm lead you down the road of an addiction that you still have. If I rolled up my sleeves now, you'd think I'm the coolest still.
Things are different now, very different. You won't believe how much things are different when you compare it to a year ago. A year ago, I was crying my broken heart out over my first love. The year before that, I never knew what love was but I was the healthiest, mentally, around that time. Then, a little after that, I met her. And then, the year before that, I was trying to recover from another pain. You suffered for quite a while from aged 19-22.
The painful things have not happened to you yet. Somehow in another dimension, you were the one before the storm. I'd change a few things for you if I could meet you. You were just lonely. You needed someone, that's all. You turned out alive after 10 years of pain. There were a lot of good times too but I'd say it was hardly worth the pain. It's better than nothing.
At 14, you are so clueless about everything because you did not understand the world. You just found out about pop and rock music. You tried so hard to develop passion for music and other things. You'll discover something else later. You'll learn to love writing. Then, at 22, you'll dedicate a hand written book to her. Yes, her. You'll go through that stage a little later. You'll fall in love with the wrong person before you meet her. This wrong person will be the reason for your pain from 19 years old onwards. But you'll learn, oh, you'll learn. She will be your greatest lesson of all because this is when you will start letting people love you when you cannot love yourself. I wish you knew this because it would have helped you so much when you think about your goodbye letters.
At 15, you'll go through your first major heartbreak by your friend. You'll forgive her. She'll apologize but baby, you will hurt. I have no ways of making this any better. It will be your first experience with depression. I'm so sorry for becoming a shell of you. You will cry and then, stop crying for a very long time. You'll meet another girl who you'll be fond of. You will love her and try to help her.
Everything that happened till you're 17 is nothing game changing. You'll come in and out of our impending depression but you'll survive. You'll get your first boyfriend but he wasn't any important. You'll learn to be very wary of guys from then on. When you're 18, your best friend from high school will make you betrayed and this will make you change how you feel about her as a person. Everything with her will change from then onwards. None of it will change back.
However, you'll meet this girl in pre-U. She'll be the main point of your life. She'll teach you how to love yourself. She'll teach you how to wear make up and that it's not bad to want to look pretty. She'll be so important to you. She will teach you so much on how to be a girl. You will love her and accidentally fall in love with her. You then handed her on a silver platter to the guy that was undeserving of her. This is where you will deny what you felt and keep it buried for so long. I am so sorry but this will be the most painful period of your life. She will leave you. You won't blame her when you're me. I wasn't the best person to be around when I was friends with her. We both had faults. We don't talk now but she still hasn't deleted me off Facebook. I guess we were really friends last time. You will never stop loving her because you cared.
With that painful period, comes the time when you find out who is really there for you. You find these people unexpectedly. They will become so important to you. They will love you so much and in those times, you will learn to let them. You will learn that you deserved to be loved. Again, most importantly, baby girl, you will let them.
At 21, you will learn acceptance. You will learn to be okay with yourself. It will be one of the most important lessons you will teach yourself. You'll learn how to be okay with yourself, how to love yourself. You will be kind to yourself, be aware of you. You will grow. Oh, I am so proud of you even now. You will grow so strong. Baby, you will be so strong because you will need it later. I am so sorry.
You will meet her a few months before you turn 22. She will open up to you. She will care about you. You will smile while you're on the phone with her. You will have your life turned up side down and you'll be so happy. You'll be so happy for her. You'll find so many poems that I have written about her. You will fall in love with her and you will love her so much. She will be your first in so many things. She will make love songs make sense. She will make elopement seem like a good idea. You will love her and love her and love her even though many who love you will think she does not deserve it. You will love her regardless. The book will be for her. So much will be for her.
Last year was bad though. It was over between us. No, it wasn't our faults. Our parents will never agree to it so it done under a mutual understanding. I still think it was the worst way to end something. It's hard to move on like that but you will. I still miss her from day to day but the pain does go away. However, in our case, our normal pain from depression and loneliness just comes back and we go back to that pain instead. You will cry for her. You will cry rivers and rivers of tears. Your life will stop because you were in so much pain. Remember when I say that you need to be strong? This is the time when you need it. You will fight so much, so much to get her back. She'll go back on her promises and you'll be angry but you'll understand. You will love her. After all, you wrote a marriage proposal for her. She will never see it but it's alright. You love that much.
Things do turn out okay. You have a proper job now. You earn your own money and pay for everything on your own. Be proud of me. You will go through so much pain, so so much pain. I don't believe it's worth it. I won't lie to you about that. The pain is horrible but you are very strong. I know you don't have a choice but you will be okay. You will not hate yourself, you will be okay at gaining weight. You will have so many people who care about you. You will have so many of them. You will love them and they will love you back,
You will dye your hair. You will play Skyrim. You will travel to go visit your friends. You will miss your family. You will fight.
Please hold on. Please fight. Please be strong. I love you. I hope you know that. I love you so much.
Love
23 and a half year old Tryphena
I wish I could give you a hug. I know this was the year you felt the loneliest. I know this was the year that that accidental cut on your arm lead you down the road of an addiction that you still have. If I rolled up my sleeves now, you'd think I'm the coolest still.
Things are different now, very different. You won't believe how much things are different when you compare it to a year ago. A year ago, I was crying my broken heart out over my first love. The year before that, I never knew what love was but I was the healthiest, mentally, around that time. Then, a little after that, I met her. And then, the year before that, I was trying to recover from another pain. You suffered for quite a while from aged 19-22.
The painful things have not happened to you yet. Somehow in another dimension, you were the one before the storm. I'd change a few things for you if I could meet you. You were just lonely. You needed someone, that's all. You turned out alive after 10 years of pain. There were a lot of good times too but I'd say it was hardly worth the pain. It's better than nothing.
At 14, you are so clueless about everything because you did not understand the world. You just found out about pop and rock music. You tried so hard to develop passion for music and other things. You'll discover something else later. You'll learn to love writing. Then, at 22, you'll dedicate a hand written book to her. Yes, her. You'll go through that stage a little later. You'll fall in love with the wrong person before you meet her. This wrong person will be the reason for your pain from 19 years old onwards. But you'll learn, oh, you'll learn. She will be your greatest lesson of all because this is when you will start letting people love you when you cannot love yourself. I wish you knew this because it would have helped you so much when you think about your goodbye letters.
At 15, you'll go through your first major heartbreak by your friend. You'll forgive her. She'll apologize but baby, you will hurt. I have no ways of making this any better. It will be your first experience with depression. I'm so sorry for becoming a shell of you. You will cry and then, stop crying for a very long time. You'll meet another girl who you'll be fond of. You will love her and try to help her.
Everything that happened till you're 17 is nothing game changing. You'll come in and out of our impending depression but you'll survive. You'll get your first boyfriend but he wasn't any important. You'll learn to be very wary of guys from then on. When you're 18, your best friend from high school will make you betrayed and this will make you change how you feel about her as a person. Everything with her will change from then onwards. None of it will change back.
However, you'll meet this girl in pre-U. She'll be the main point of your life. She'll teach you how to love yourself. She'll teach you how to wear make up and that it's not bad to want to look pretty. She'll be so important to you. She will teach you so much on how to be a girl. You will love her and accidentally fall in love with her. You then handed her on a silver platter to the guy that was undeserving of her. This is where you will deny what you felt and keep it buried for so long. I am so sorry but this will be the most painful period of your life. She will leave you. You won't blame her when you're me. I wasn't the best person to be around when I was friends with her. We both had faults. We don't talk now but she still hasn't deleted me off Facebook. I guess we were really friends last time. You will never stop loving her because you cared.
With that painful period, comes the time when you find out who is really there for you. You find these people unexpectedly. They will become so important to you. They will love you so much and in those times, you will learn to let them. You will learn that you deserved to be loved. Again, most importantly, baby girl, you will let them.
At 21, you will learn acceptance. You will learn to be okay with yourself. It will be one of the most important lessons you will teach yourself. You'll learn how to be okay with yourself, how to love yourself. You will be kind to yourself, be aware of you. You will grow. Oh, I am so proud of you even now. You will grow so strong. Baby, you will be so strong because you will need it later. I am so sorry.
You will meet her a few months before you turn 22. She will open up to you. She will care about you. You will smile while you're on the phone with her. You will have your life turned up side down and you'll be so happy. You'll be so happy for her. You'll find so many poems that I have written about her. You will fall in love with her and you will love her so much. She will be your first in so many things. She will make love songs make sense. She will make elopement seem like a good idea. You will love her and love her and love her even though many who love you will think she does not deserve it. You will love her regardless. The book will be for her. So much will be for her.
Last year was bad though. It was over between us. No, it wasn't our faults. Our parents will never agree to it so it done under a mutual understanding. I still think it was the worst way to end something. It's hard to move on like that but you will. I still miss her from day to day but the pain does go away. However, in our case, our normal pain from depression and loneliness just comes back and we go back to that pain instead. You will cry for her. You will cry rivers and rivers of tears. Your life will stop because you were in so much pain. Remember when I say that you need to be strong? This is the time when you need it. You will fight so much, so much to get her back. She'll go back on her promises and you'll be angry but you'll understand. You will love her. After all, you wrote a marriage proposal for her. She will never see it but it's alright. You love that much.
Things do turn out okay. You have a proper job now. You earn your own money and pay for everything on your own. Be proud of me. You will go through so much pain, so so much pain. I don't believe it's worth it. I won't lie to you about that. The pain is horrible but you are very strong. I know you don't have a choice but you will be okay. You will not hate yourself, you will be okay at gaining weight. You will have so many people who care about you. You will have so many of them. You will love them and they will love you back,
You will dye your hair. You will play Skyrim. You will travel to go visit your friends. You will miss your family. You will fight.
Please hold on. Please fight. Please be strong. I love you. I hope you know that. I love you so much.
Love
23 and a half year old Tryphena
Saturday, February 11, 2017
From Friend Requests and Obligations
It started off with a friend request, or rather an obligation to someone who was important to us. Neither one of us wanted or needed this friendship. Again, obligation fueled the conversations and replies. I remember my introduction went along the lines of mentioning my dislike for peas. She replied very quickly and I wasn't expecting that. Small talk became even smaller and naturally the conversation ended.
The next time I started talking to her, it felt like a well oiled engine being put to work again. Replies were falling in place and I believe this is when the friendship really began. We met for the first time when I went to visit her. She was smaller than I imagined, kinder with a much bigger heart than what she gives herself credit for. I remember the experience to be surreal and I had a small moment of depersonalization because she didn't feel real - none of it felt real.
I couldn't write about her more than I would like to. I am a visual person. I notice the creases on people's face when they laugh, the vein bulging out when they are stressed, the way their eyes light up when they are surprised or happy. I don't remember the details of how her expression looks like. However, I'd recognize her voice anywhere.
I didn't think it was possible to care someone you have not met. I didn't believe simply trusting someone was good enough to build a proper friendship even when you have not met them. I was wrong. I learn to build a safe house, a bomb shelter with the thousands and thousands of messages and voice clips we have exchanged. I memorized her laughter, her groans and sometimes, her nothings. I have seen her hesitation, confusion, worry and joy hidden behind in ellipses, commas and exclamation marks. I have interpreted internal conflicts and contradicting paradoxes in different wavelengths. Sometimes I see her pain and her desperation to make sense of the circumstances of her life in between sentences of rage and anguish.
The next time I started talking to her, it felt like a well oiled engine being put to work again. Replies were falling in place and I believe this is when the friendship really began. We met for the first time when I went to visit her. She was smaller than I imagined, kinder with a much bigger heart than what she gives herself credit for. I remember the experience to be surreal and I had a small moment of depersonalization because she didn't feel real - none of it felt real.
I couldn't write about her more than I would like to. I am a visual person. I notice the creases on people's face when they laugh, the vein bulging out when they are stressed, the way their eyes light up when they are surprised or happy. I don't remember the details of how her expression looks like. However, I'd recognize her voice anywhere.
I didn't think it was possible to care someone you have not met. I didn't believe simply trusting someone was good enough to build a proper friendship even when you have not met them. I was wrong. I learn to build a safe house, a bomb shelter with the thousands and thousands of messages and voice clips we have exchanged. I memorized her laughter, her groans and sometimes, her nothings. I have seen her hesitation, confusion, worry and joy hidden behind in ellipses, commas and exclamation marks. I have interpreted internal conflicts and contradicting paradoxes in different wavelengths. Sometimes I see her pain and her desperation to make sense of the circumstances of her life in between sentences of rage and anguish.
In a sea of inside jokes and harmless flirting, there is a mutual understanding and respect. It is the tone of the entire relationship. There is also a love that I did not expect to develop. It is behind every cracked hello when the other is crying, every "why are you so far away" and every "you bitch". I didn't expect the joy that came with talking to her even though most of the conversations start with her being sleepy.
It is hard to find friends who consistently care about you during all of the times. She is Patience herself when it came to dealing my inability to think rationally when it came to Cassandra, even when it was (unconsciously on my side) at her expense. She is Peace when I was crippled in bed, sobbing and in pain. She is Hope when taking my own life seemed like the better option. I have done nothing to deserve of all these. There's a quote by Graham Greene that says,
"It's a strange thing to discover and to believe that you are loved when you know that there is nothing in you for anybody but a parent or a God to love."
I have so much love for this human being. It is puzzling to feel something as overwhelming as this, especially when it's not romantic but I do. There is a joy that I can't explain when I think of her company. I am entirely grateful for her and I can't wait to see her again in a month.
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