To remember.

Remember when we went ice skating around this time last year?
People were either whooshing past us, or
clinging onto the sides, like you?
It was the first time I could properly hold you in public.
You were scared of falling,
you vowed off skating fifteen minutes into the rink.
It was the only time when it was acceptable to hold you so close.

It's been close to a year.
We were over for close to a year.
You said you didn't love me nine months ago,
stopped picking up my calls, replying me seven months ago.
Stopped saying you love me, whatever that means, three months ago.
Became someone else, two months ago.

Well,
I collapsed crying on the floor of a cold shower nine months ago.
Stopped eating, started having nightmares of losing you seven months ago.
Started imagining scenarios of you coming back as a friend, whatever, three months.
Started gaining all the weight I lost, back from emotional eatings two months ago.
Stopped loving you, never.

I remember how your lips melt into mine.
I remember how it felt to hold you, the way you fit in my arms.
I remember your smell, your butterfly kisses that I don't understand,
I remember how your eyes look like in the dark.
I remember kissing you good night, a kiss to keep away the bad juju.
I remember loving you, I still remember loving you.

I know I haven't written in a while. I have to heal first but I do miss putting my words here. I promise I'll be back soon. This blog is like an old friend that doesn't judge. I'll be back.

I got a job and i'm scared.

I got a job.

It was a random email that got me a proper job. I think it was last Wednesday I got an email saying that the guy named Suresh saw my job resume on the job search websites and he thinks I am suitable for this job post that he also elaborated. I had given up on jobs and was already planning that I'll be here till Christmas and thought like what the heck, why not? So, I sent in my resume, in which I got a reply the following day. He said he had sent my resume to the company that is their client and he called me the next day, I think, asking me if I really wanted the job. I said yes, and he arranged a phone interview that was supposed to be today. There was a misunderstanding which resulted in the people calling me 3 hours for an interview that I wasn't prepared for.

I supposed I did well because they wanted me. I wanted to doubt that I wasn't good enough because it was just mind-blowing how fast everything is. I was stammering throughout the interview because I was taken by surprise. I could have done so much better than that interview but it obviously don't matter now.

I start my job on the 26th of September, a Monday. I will get the details of when and where next week. I am leaving on the 21st to get myself ready. I got a place in Subang Jaya. Nice area that is walking distance to an LRT. I don't mind traveling a bit and not being too comfortable because I think I need to be reminded that I am working towards something better. Somehow I believe I need to be reminded of it and be forced to get home on days when I need to just walk it out if it makes sense.

27th is her birthday. She's turning 26. I gave her a handwritten book of the poems that I wrote about her last year. I would have gotten her something this year too but I don't think she wants to have anything to with me now. Funny how someone just stops loving you one day and they decide, then and there, that you no longer matter. I've somehow managed to accept that now. The whole relationship is already feeling like it was a dream, a very happy dream, I don't remember how her voice sounds like, I don't remember how she feels in my arms. I don't remember what she smells like or what her lips taste like. I've started to believe that I have made her up in my head and that she wasn't real. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe it was all in my head. I may have gone crazy for absolutely nothing. Maybe she never existed. Maybe I really have gone crazy and she wasn't real.

I'm still scared. Who knows, maybe I'm not good enough to have this job. What if the guy that hired me realized I was nothing like the girl in the resume that he read? What if they realize they've made a mistake they're like "I want a refund on this fraud"? Maybe I just can't have nice things.

Maybe that's it.

Good night kisses.

I have always kissed my pillow good night every night before I went to sleep. I imagined I was kissing you good night.You'd stir slightly before wrapping your arm around my waist and making yourself comfortable on my arm. I'd use my fingertips to trace the bridge of your nose, cheekbones, jawline, your eyelashes, your eyebrows- God, your eyebrows were my favorite. I'd lean in to kiss you lightly on the nose, then carefully on the forehead. Kisses like these became a prayer, a promise that I'll love you forever. I would hold you close, place kisses after kisses just to make sure that I get to wake up next to you the next morning.

It turns out kisses weren't promises. Ever since you left, I have never stop telling you good night. Every time after I said good night, I would bundle myself up in blankets. I feel cold when I miss you. It's like my body feels the absence of you. I miss interlacing our fingers together. I miss you sleeping on the nook of my armpit. I miss being woken up by you trying to curl up closer to me. The pain became bearable, humming in the background but I have never stopped missing you every night.

Anywhere but here.

Sometimes I have a feeling that I am not where I am supposed to be.
I feel like I should be miles and miles away from where I am right now.
I should be in a tent in the forest, camping with the love of my life
I should be half way across the world, studying or
walking to work, thinking about what to have for dinner.

It's not like I don't plan my life.
I think that was the mistake, planning my life.
When things don't follow "the plan",
everything else falls apart and I am now sitting here,
trying to use the pieces to make a new plan.
I feel like a spider that is only trying to make its web.
I spent time making the strands even,
making sure it's long enough to stretch from this beam to the next.
One more strand, one more and I'm done.
Then, rain poured.
Itsy bitsy spider went out the water spout,
down came the rain and washed the spider out.
That bitsy is me.

I wonder if it is human instinct to keep wanting a better place for yourself.
I keep thinking that I am better than what I am giving myself credit for.
Maybe, maybe I believe if things were different,
I wouldn't be in this much pain.
If I could be anywhere but here,
the timelines could be different then.
If the timelines were different,
I could be walking home,
thinking what I'm going to have for dinner with the love of my life.

10 things I found to be true after 23 years of living.

1. God is good.

2. Too much cheese will give you gas.

3, When you are in that "headspace", every hello will sound like a different version of "I'm sorry" and goodbye's, they'll sound like "Take care, I love you so much".

4. Sometimes "I love you" isn't enough. "I love you" does not make acceptance rain down from heaven. I learn that "I love you" na matter how many times it is said, it does not make people stay.

5. Heartbreaks are shit. Even after a million times. They will still feel like drowning, in a storm with crashing waves that keep you underwater. They will leave you cold, crying and broken. I learn that it hurts even more when you begged them to stay.

6.   There is always something calming about sipping drinks with straws. I like holding my drink with both hands. It makes me feel content.

7. You are loved even if you don't believe it. People will give you their jackets. They will call. They let you stay with them because you couldn't do anything else but stay in bed. They will knock on your door and let themselves in because they know you won't get the door. You are loved. You just need to choose to see that they are there because people cannot save you if you keep jumping into the hole that you got pull out of.

8. Pain is gift to writers. With pain, comes the romanticization of heartbreak and letting go. Pain will be given a face, a personality. Sometimes pain will feel sorry that he or she is visiting. In some stories, pain is a long lost friend, accompanied by anxiety and depression. Writers often paint pain in black and white and call it "colorful". I picture pain as red. I guess it's supposed to mean "Stop", "Danger", "Run" but guess who ran head first and got the wind knocked out of her? Me

9. It does make a difference when someone loves you. Someone wise once said, "Being loved is not the same thing as loving." When you are loved, you become a manifestation of calm waters and late nights. Being loved releases you from the cage that you build around yourself. Being loved reminds you that love is a real thing even if you cannot see it.

10. When I was 21, I wrote about not understanding the concept of happiness and love. I also wrote that I don't like birthdays. I am 23 this year. I have had a brief meeting with happiness and love. I like birthdays now. Two years, so much has changed and happened. Despite all the changes, God is still good.

A marriage proposal that I will never get make.

I knew exactly what love looks like.

When I saw you at the airport, luggage in hand, 

eyes still hazy from sleep, I knew you were everything I could ever asked for.

When you wake up in the morning, grumpy, 

morning breath, shirt up to your stomach, 

love of my life.

If someone asked where I see myself in ten years,

"Me and her in a condo", I'd say.

We would have a big couch with white goose feather pillows,

a kitchen with brightly colored utensils.

I see us dancing in the living room, kissing with juice-stained lips,

We would try to count the stars from our bedroom window,

pretend we live in another galaxy, with our pet dog.

If someone asked where I see myself in ten years,

I say I'd be with you in our little piece of heaven,

Being loved by you is the most painless thing that I never deserved,

Being loved by you felt like turning at the last right on the way back home. 

You make me want to wave at strangers that pass by me,
make me want to go skydiving even though I have a fear of heights.

You make me feel like I can never drown when I swim,
like I can never die; and if I do, it's okay.

You make me feel like I have nothing to be afraid of. 

When I am with you, there was nothing I couldn't do.

Of all the times that I have pictured you in a wedding dress, 

this was the one time when I also see myself next to you. 

If I had a dollar for the times when people asked if I was sure,

I could pay for the rest of our lives. 

I get to hold your hand forever, wake up next to you, kiss you good night,

tell you to get milk, drive you to places, eat burgers - forever. 

You are my best friend and my soul mate.

When I kiss you, I can taste the next fifty years of my life.

I promise to love you, treasure you and call you Sugarpie for as long as I'm alive.
I love you so much.

Will you marry me?

I am so tired. I wake up and you're the first thing I think about. I go to bed and you're the only thing I think about. I am so tired. I have stopped writing for so long because writing helps me understand what I am feeling and it helps me "get it out". I don't want to get it out because getting it out means that it's real, it means that I have to accept it. So much has happened. Long story short, I am in pain and the only one left in love. She doesn't love me anymore. Everything that I thought we had, to her, it's gone. And I don't know how to stop loving her yet.

My depression got worse. Who knows, they say it's easier to bounce because you have felt love and happiness and you'll have the hope that you will find it again, that I will find someone again. The thing that people don't get about having depression is that it doesn't work like that. I am so tired of explaining myself, to everyone. I am lonely. I feel as if I only exist in this bubble. It gets harder to breathe with each day. I have spent nights and night writing different versions of suicide notes to different people in my head. I spent nights thinking about how to die. And what's the worse part? I know there'll be people who'll be sad but in my head, depression makes me believe that they only love me because I do something for them. I believe that no one loves you because they want to. I do that and it backfires at me. I love her so much and still love her so much. I believe that she loves me but I also believe she loves me because I treat her well and I will never abandon her. I believe people love selfishly.

I don't think I'll ever get better. After 9 years of this, I thought I'll at least get happier. I think I was wrong. People say that it worth it if you get to feel what happiness really is but I don't think so. Depression makes you believe that no one loves you. It convinces you so much that you stop hearing yourself think. I am tired of explaining myself to people who don't understand. I don't want to make them understand anymore. I am fighting a battle that is already over. That's why I treasure birthdays,

Cassandra, you always tell me that you don't celebrate festivities or birthdays or such. I do, I try to celebrate it as much as I can even if you don.t That's why I made you gifts for each event. I might not survive the next year. I feel like God has abandoned me, Even so, I wanted to make sure that you are loved, if I am not there anymore. I did my best with each present. You have my heart. You gave me so much courage. Now it doesn't matter anymore. I hope I can still be there when you turn 27. If not, I know you'll find a guy who'll do that with you, one you can bring home to your parents, one that won't make you disappoint your parents.

I hope I make it but at the same time, I don't.

VLOG I From Kuala Lumpur to Kota Kinabalu

I made a vlog.

It's my first vlog actually. This is an important part in my life because I am in a transitioning period in my life where I am going from student to sort of working adult. I am going to be doing my internship soon.

Things have been great. I am scared but exciting to see if things can be better.

All the best to the rest of you guys.