I am so tired. I wake up and you're the first thing I think about. I go to bed and you're the only thing I think about. I am so tired. I have stopped writing for so long because writing helps me understand what I am feeling and it helps me "get it out". I don't want to get it out because getting it out means that it's real, it means that I have to accept it. So much has happened. Long story short, I am in pain and the only one left in love. She doesn't love me anymore. Everything that I thought we had, to her, it's gone. And I don't know how to stop loving her yet.

My depression got worse. Who knows, they say it's easier to bounce because you have felt love and happiness and you'll have the hope that you will find it again, that I will find someone again. The thing that people don't get about having depression is that it doesn't work like that. I am so tired of explaining myself, to everyone. I am lonely. I feel as if I only exist in this bubble. It gets harder to breathe with each day. I have spent nights and night writing different versions of suicide notes to different people in my head. I spent nights thinking about how to die. And what's the worse part? I know there'll be people who'll be sad but in my head, depression makes me believe that they only love me because I do something for them. I believe that no one loves you because they want to. I do that and it backfires at me. I love her so much and still love her so much. I believe that she loves me but I also believe she loves me because I treat her well and I will never abandon her. I believe people love selfishly.

I don't think I'll ever get better. After 9 years of this, I thought I'll at least get happier. I think I was wrong. People say that it worth it if you get to feel what happiness really is but I don't think so. Depression makes you believe that no one loves you. It convinces you so much that you stop hearing yourself think. I am tired of explaining myself to people who don't understand. I don't want to make them understand anymore. I am fighting a battle that is already over. That's why I treasure birthdays,

Cassandra, you always tell me that you don't celebrate festivities or birthdays or such. I do, I try to celebrate it as much as I can even if you don.t That's why I made you gifts for each event. I might not survive the next year. I feel like God has abandoned me, Even so, I wanted to make sure that you are loved, if I am not there anymore. I did my best with each present. You have my heart. You gave me so much courage. Now it doesn't matter anymore. I hope I can still be there when you turn 27. If not, I know you'll find a guy who'll do that with you, one you can bring home to your parents, one that won't make you disappoint your parents.

I hope I make it but at the same time, I don't.