I get it.

I get it. I understand what he means. 

I have a little brother who is turning 9 this year and he is "full of love and joy, kissing every person he meets because everyone is good and will do him no harm". He loves so unconditionally and he has such a kind and pure soul. I love him to bits and the thought of harm coming his way makes me cringe. I would dive in head first if I should ever need to save him.

The idea of people breaking him in to little pieces and hardening him into someone like me..

Me.

I don't let people love me, I push everyone away. I put up walls so high that no one else could ever get it. I had to force myself out of bed, force myself to open my eyes, to stop crying, to not die. The concept of me being happy, being loved is completely extincted. I no longer dream, no longer hope, no longer live.

He, "who reminds me too much of what I used to be", has so much dreams, hope and life,  and is capable of conquering the world in his sleep. He is so happy, so full of laughter, so loving. I love him so much.

If anyone should ever hurt him, I will rip them into shreds. The idea of him not being him anymore in the future, "terrifies me to the point where I can barely function".

I get it.

Never home.

I didn't know what was wrong actually,
like, I was fine but I was sad?
I spend the whole afternoon, busying myself,
trying to avoid something, feeling something.
Then again, the whole afternoon was spent on "damn feels" short films.
I didn't know what was going on
or rather, I didn't want to know what was going on.

That was until no one was free to hang out with me,
then I realize that I felt lonely.
The people I asked to hang out weren't free,
so, I just sat in my room, trying to find something to do.
The urge to edit family photos that were long overdue were strong,
so that's what I did.

Being lonely has never felt this painful in a long time.
What struck a nerve was a picture of my little brother.
I didn't realize how much I missed him because I told myself that I don't.
Scrolling through all of the photos is really not a good idea,
I end up breaking down and yeah, crying.
I've always wanted to go home,
I just didn't realize that until now.

I still say, "I'm going back," whenever I say goodbye to my friends.
Never the word "home".
I only used it when I was flying back, to home.
I guess, I was never home after all,
I was only back in my room
but never home.

Every goddamn time.

I see you in the busy streets outside my window,
I imagine what you look like, stuck in traffic.
It's pretty silly though, trying to imagine you in traffic,
you reading in the corner of a coffee shop, you playing catch with your dog,
you doing something, like being next to me.
I see you when I take a sip from my coffee mug,
I can't remember if you liked coffee or not
but I imagined myself bringing you a cup of whatever in bed
or maybe, I'll leave it on the table, still steaming hot, with a note,
"Hope it's not cold when you wake up. I love you."
It's funny how our thoughts can bring us to places,
the travels beyond our imagination,
or perhaps, another dimension where everything is different,
where you and I were together.

I see you when I cross the road to get to class.
You'd be tugging at my hand, signalling me to walk faster
as the traffic lights just turned green.
I see you when the cheesiest, corniest love songs play on my music library.
Those lyrics insisted that "we were meant to be", "you are my everything",
it sounds so stupid, considering that I have never meet you.
Yet, here we are, hopelessly waiting for the impossible, for a miracle.
It bothers me that I am so painfully sure of you, that you are so sure of me too,
like we have a future but we may not?
The dark clouds are sure signs of rain.
I see you when the rain falls because I have never doubted you,
the same way I never doubted the dark clouds.

I see you in the parks, playgrounds, by the beach,
All the places that we may go one day.
I see you in the books I read, the movies I watch,
I see you whenever a character says "I love you".
I see you when skies turn grey, when people run to hide from the rain.
I see you at the airport, bus stops, train stops,
I see you when the traffic light turned green
and me using everything that I have in me to make it across the road.
'Cause that's how I'd run to you when I see you,
in any dimension, any parallel universe,
every goddamn time.

Day 5 of 30 Challenge: What’s the point of life? Define a great life.

A great life. It's different for everyone.

I just want to be happy, I want to know exactly who I am by the end of the day. On contrary to most people, I don't need to meet someone to "complete" me. I want to be able to be content with myself and what I do in the future. I want to make something out of myself.

A great life to me, is when you are able to bring change to someone, not just like a small change. I am talking about the good change that cannot be reversed, a change that matters. Is it saying that I want to matter? Maybe,but then is it so bad to want that for yourself?

It's hard for a young adult who always battles with her emotions, barely 21 to say that she wants a great life or that she dreams of having a great life without being judged of "not knowing more about life". The debate of a young adults not knowing enough of the world to know what they want out of it is just endless. I know what I want, whether be it selfish, silly, foolish or impossible, I want to matter.I don't care if it's in a big or small way, I just want to feel, for once, that my existence actually means something, yeah, that my existence matters.

A great life to me, is to be able to leave something good behind when you live this world., to say that you have contributed to this revolution of mankind.

Day 4 of 30 challenge: What is true love?

True love. It is very subjective for everyone. This is my version.

True, to me, is genuine and real. Love, well, it's complicated but yeah..

Love is when you know that they will mess up and you will be mad but you will get over it. It is knowing what they like to eat and knowing what they look like when they eat. It is telling them to pick their clothes off the floor over and over again, knowing that they won’t and you still do it everyday. It is being able to shout their name from the living room to the bedroom to get something for you. It is texting “I am home” when you get home at 2am. It is not wanting someone to go through something horrible alone. It is never wanting anything to hurt someone even though you know it is not the reality but still wishing for it. It is being mad at someone but not mad enough to want them to go away forever. It is wanting to show them off to the world even though they are only valuable to you. It is kissing them when they are sick. It is trying your best to make a personal present everytime it’s their birthday. It is insulting each other but never taking to heart. It is when you know you’re coming back after a goodbye.

Love is pictures on the wall and late night poems, your last 8 bucks spent on a ride to go to them. It is waiting at transits while the other prays that the plane is not hijacked. Love is staying at the door to wave goodbye and running in full speed with the doorbell rings. It is shouting at 1am because of mortgages and still waking up next to the other the next morning. Love is staying even though all you want to do is run. It is raised voices and hushed but sincere apologies. Love is making someone climb mountains so that you can show them what you find magical. It is laughing at them when they fall down while helping them up. Love is everything that the other sees about you and tries to tell you how fascinating you are. It is them loving all the parts that you hate about yourself and them kissing the scars that you left.

I'm scared of what I might feel for you, can you understand that?

Reasons for not completely the 30 day challenge

1. I have no time.
2. I really don't know how to get into the topic of "true love". It's too long and emotionally draining for me because it would need me to pour my thoughts out and these thought are the ones that I keep hidden from the world and myself so to dig it out, I would need the right time for myself to get into it.

Yeah, that's about it. And the days after that has like the similar kind of sentiment to it so yeah, I'm not ready for that but I will do it, eventually. Just not now.

She walked out with such grace that I didn't know if I am feeling the pain of it or I was just in pain the whole time.