Perfection in this jaded life.

Dedicated to my best friend, Francine.

I rarely do this. No, I'm kidding, I always do this xD
But I've never done anything this long, not even for him.
This is for you.

This is my third time trying to write this post again. For some god damn reason, the whole thing erased when it was saving. :'((( I spent hours on it.

The bridge might be a little off but yeah, the rest of it is what I want to say to you.

When I first met you, you were so shy. It was so hard to hear you talk because you were so soft. And you were soooooo nice.

This is us, before. I had braces and you thought I was so cute with it -.-

I'm not sure why am I always on the right.

Doooooooooooooooooodddd, we look like kids and you had a helmet head :D

We used to be so polite to each other.

A phone conversation always starts like this

"Hi, may I speak with Francine?"

if only we are so polite now..

I accidentally backhand slapped you

And you punched me in the gut intentionally.

How loving.

From those, came these.

During Maths 

 In a random place. You know, I know ;)

Oh, this. This was a fun day. I know you remember because I don't.

If you wonder why I wrote this,

well, I don't know

I just feel like it :P

Noo.

I wrote this because I want to.

I couldn't say that the last few months were like lying on a bed of roses

because it was wayyy far from that.

It's was hard, really hard, for me.

And the pictures reminded me why I fought.

I don't take back what I said about *points* and you know why.

We never argued before *points*

And when we argue, it always involves *points*

We all want someone to blame sometimes and I chose *points*

because of *points*, all this *waves hands* happened.

When we weren't able to be ourselves even when we're around each other, 

the pictures reminded me that you are still there somewhere.

I just need to wait despite how painful it is.

It represents the easier times.

I remember crying while looking at the pictures.

It's like if I look hard enough,

it will help me figure what exactly went wrong.

I thought it was my fault

because everything is different.

I thought it was my fault

because you told me that it is.

Things changed for me, maybe not for you,

Everything changed for me,

because everything was different.

I didn't want to wake up because I know I will see you.

But seeing you is the only reason why I wake up and go to school.

I told myself that if I'm able to get you to talk to me for as little as a few minutes,

I will be happy for the day.

When I get to see you for more than two hours,

I would be able to get though the week without breaking down or something.

It was not healthy, neither was it fair.
I wouldn't say that we drifted apart
because we didn't, if you used the normal definition.
But it was different.

You have always been a part of my life.
You are a part of my life but
the problem was you are not in my life.
The thing that hurts is that
you used to be the main character in my movie.
It's sad, I guess.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to scream to get you to notice me.
I know you said that I didn't need to fight.
I know my opponent and I know how much attention you give to *points*.
How can I not?
I have no reason not to fight.
Do you have any idea how hard I fought?
I fought everyday, all the time.
I never fought for someone like this before,
Never this hard, never so desperate.

I honestly wanted to leave, to run far away

from this pain, from everything I was feeling.

Every single time when I was prepared to try to leave,
you called
"Eh/Ui/Dude, you wanna go hang?"
I swear, it's like the universe/God/angels/Mars telling me to stay.
Hanging out with you is like a good bad thing.
I will feel happy when I see you
And I'll be fine for the next few days.
But this feeling has a shelf life
because every time when the pain sets back in,
it hurts ten times more.

I call you everyday, text you when I want to talk to you
even when I don't know if I'll get a reply.
I guess I stayed because I was waiting for you to tell me to go away
To strip away all the reasons for me to stay.
To make me believe that you didn't want me here.

I thought you didn't care, not for me.
I remember asking myself,
Why is it that she, of all people couldn't see how upset I am?
It's easier for me to think you don't.
You know what the worst part is,
I still think that you cared even when I don't see it.

I thought what happened was caused by unresolved issues between us
Turns out all we wanted was just simple explanations
so that everything else made sense.

NOW TO BREAK THE TENSION!

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
SORRYYY, couldn't resist!

honestly, how can someone stay mad at you? :)

I got you back a few days ago.
It was like nothing had changed at all.
You were that idiotic, loud self that I know and love.
It was easy again, no strings attached.
Like everything that I felt for the past few months was only an illusion.
Like it's all worth it.
When you left, life was horrible and nothing made sense.
It was like what Fabio in the movie said.
It's like rebirth. It's like feeling sun rays on your face after a long, dark winter.
You are extraordinary, don't cha know? :)

I wouldn't say that I like what happened over the last few months.
It's painful but I'm stronger now.
We've been through hell and back, in one piece.
Most people would just let this fall apart.
but we didn't.
It mean something to me.
I hope it did to you.

:)

Look, we're crazier.

We swam in the sea at 12pm, for the heck of it.
Sing off key, for the hell of it. Okay, that is only me.
You never judge.
If you do, you will go all apeshit on whoever.
We are loud.
We sat in corridors next to the toilet just because there's wind there.
We didn't care what anyone about us.
We laugh at teachers who got mad at us.
We run and hide like prisoners to escape classes.
We take stupid pictures like this,

Goodness, we embarrass ourselves.

You're the best friend that I never thought I would find.
You're the missing ingredient in my soup of crazy.
You're my person to poke.
My person to run to.
My person to cry on.
My dance partner LOL
My idiot.
My roller coaster buddy.
My confidence to be myself.
My reason to smile.
My reason to stay strong
My partner in crime.
My translator to my weird behavior.
My lunch buddy.
My source of good hugs.
My Oompa Lumpa.
My everything that I need in life.
You're my a lot of things.
If I have to list it out, I will die.

It''s okay that you're shorter than me.
You're easier to hug like that.

Life is horrible but it's bearable if you're in it.

I have missed you a lot, you know.

I'm glad you're back. 

Please stay that way.

I can't bear to lose you like that the second time. 

But if I do, I'll fight for you like I did, I'll fight harder.

I'll always fight.

I got you.

Don't worry, I'll never let you go.

You won't lose me, not in this life or the other.

I promise.

After all,

I'm still here, aren't I?

Te quiero.

I love you.

from Try x

It conflicts with everything that I believe in but yet, I feel like I have no control over what I feel.

I have all these reasons to know that this isn't right.

Complains.

The weather is too hot.
My migraine i annoying.
I want longer hours of sleep.
I want to see my friends more.
I am hungry TOO often.
Food is getting more and more expensive.
Traffic jam is getting worse.
24 hours a day is somehow not enough time.

I'm hungry.
ugh.

The screaming was none other than my own.

Taking another step has never felt so painful
One more step, I know I won't make it far
One more whispered prayer, one more step further.
I don't want to see what's ahead, maybe I'm just scared.
I squeeze my eyes shut, but just to get haunted by the sight of you

One more step has never been this hard,
Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just getting weaker
I can't fall, I just can't.
I'm afraid that if I do, I might not want to stand up again
I just want to sit at where I am, look ahead and not fight anymore.
Give up, cry out to the skies and wait for the end, any end.

I couldn't walk straight without being crippled
By this pain that was not suppose to be there
I feel my body shaking, like I just can't wait to fall apart
Silence has gotten so loud that even my hands cannot be used as barriers
I think I hear someone scream, then again
I realise the screaming was none other than my own

I cried myself to sleep for nights
But now I can't cry anymore
'Cause I know that this pain will still be here the next day
I don't know, the tears just don't fall anymore
Now I'm just waiting for another scream to erupt from my lungs
And with tears and blood, I continue to try to be one step closer to giving up.

Get drunk.

Falling and loving.

Falling is losing control of your own movement, of your own body, losing sense of gravity. Falling is moving all your limbs with no avail, still dropping from a certain height. Falling is slowly dropping deeper and deeper into oblivian without an idea of escape.

Falling in love is another thing. Falling in love is something that you can't get out from, just like that. It's not something you can stop just because you want to. On contrary, the more you want yourself to stop falling, the harder you fall. Falling in love is risking your own heart and putting yourself out there because you know you can't stop falling unless you have a reason to.

When I close my eyes, I see you. You're smiling. A dimple on your right cheek, while your white straight teeth gleam in the sunlight. Your laughter rings in my ear, bringing me to places that I didn't know existed. The sun emphasizes the brown in your silky hair and those golden flecks hidden in your beautiful brown eyes. You smell of summer like you always do. The warm breeze and dry trees, with a hint of sea water. Your tanned skin, soft with that tiny bit of roughness along that texture.

That ease when I'm around you brings me a sense of reality but yet, it also brings me to some other kind of fantasy, another world so to speak.  A world, a place where heartbreaks and pain are just subjects of a myth. The way I feel complete around you, like nothing else can hurt me when I'm with you. Every imperfection of yours, the parts of yourself that you hate, made you unjustly perfect. Anywhere I go, as long as you are with me, anywhere I go, is better than paradise.

Then, I realise I couldn't have you. No matter how hard I fight, it will never become anything more. That game of charades that I play. Making you believe that I didn't care, making you believe that it was for the reasons that I've told you. I should win an award for all the acting that I did because you believed me. I forced myself to believe everything that I told you. You believed me and I still don't because every single time I see you, I faller harder than the last. And it's that pain that goes with everything that I feel for you. I want you to be happy, even if it's not with or because of me. And for that very reason, I fight, to keep you even if I can't make you mine.

Loving someone is not bringing in gifts or showering them with compliments. Loving someone is seeing them every single day but yet, feeling like you can never get enough of them. Loving someone is smiling whenever you think about them.

Falling in love is not the romance that you see in happy-ending fairy tales. Falling in love is slow and it's something you don't realise until it's too late.

\

Falling in love is looking into their eyes and seeing everything that you've always wanted.

Loving someone is looking into their eyes, seeing everything that you want in this world, closing your eyes and letting them go.

I need you. I love you. I know it's not much but it's all I've got.

Being with you is as close as I can get to heaven.

lost my muchness, have I?

Best Friends

I think of the times we've had and the memories we will make. I think of how much we laughed together and at each other. I think of the times you've made me smile even when I don't feel like it. I think of the amount of times that I've poked you and you slapping my hand away. I think of the times when you nearly tripped and I called you a klutz and only to end up falling down myself. I think of the times when I just wanted to cry my eyes out with you there even though I have nothing to say. I think of the number of times when you stayed to knock some sense into me even when I was pushing you away. I think of the number of times you stayed just because you wanted to.

I think of you when I have a bad day because you told me I'll be fine and I'll get through the day. And then, I took a deep breath and smiled.

Yeah, I'll be fine because later I'll have you to complain everything to :P