25.02.12

Cheerleading competition was on that day. The year one's did really well. I'm so proud of them.
Then, we won 2nd place in the girl's Tug of War. It was a very satistfying day.

It was suppose to be a good day until that email from Mackenzie.

What were you thinking? You had me. You were my only reason left. Now who's gonna play "Would you rather..?" with me? You understood everything that I told you. You are the person that I look forward to seeing every weekend. You are the most amazing guy I've ever known.

You said you would be there for my birthday. Now who's gonna catch me a zebra? I remember you telling me that people would probably forget about me on my birthday because it's the exam period. I was a little upset but then you promised to call me on that day no matter the cost. You are the best. But now, I don't think heaven uses cellphones.

I miss you. Like hell. It's day 3 without you. I have to get used to it. You said in your note, you want me to move on, to love, to live, to conquer. You want me to be strong for myself the way that you can't for yourself. You told me not to give up but to stand up strong no matter what. You told me to do all the things that you were not able to do for yourself. God, I miss you.

I wish this was easier. I wish I can go up with you, I'm sure it hurts less. Now who's gonna tell me that it will work out whenever I feel like crying? You shouldn't have left me here to deal with life. It's not fair. I hate the fact that you left me here alone but I know that you are happy now.

I wish you all the best. I miss you so much already.
I bullseye you.

Getting on with life.

Today was a good day.
I went to school early, which is rare.
I was actually smiling which is rare too.
I enjoyed my day.
I spent both my free periods playing a game on Phyliss' phone and with Francine shaking her head at me because I get so excited whenever I find something new.
People made me smile.
My best friend made me laugh.

To top it off, Orange house, my house won the cheerleading competition. It didn't matter if we were disqualified or not. We still won.

It was a good but weird day.
I think I like it.

On the mountain he sits, not on gold but on sin.

I am going to smile like I'm okay because I will get through this, I have to.

Why do I even bother?

If only you knew how much it hurts.

Let's see,
Which is bigger or heavier?
A chair or a piano?
A chair, yeah, it's good enough.

You see this chair?
Look in the mirror,
do you see your face?
Yeah?

Okay, let's take a guess.
What would happen if this chair connected with your face?
Would it hurt? Yes?
Pfft, that's nothing compared to what I feel, seeing you everyday.

If only you knew, if only you can feel what I feel,
It would explain so much, right?
Yeah, like you would care.
It was all for show, right?
Everything you said, hah, and I believed it.
I would rather believe what I can see and feel
Rather than to believe your words
'Cause it hurt like hell to convince myself that you were sincere.
'Cause I knew the cold hard facts but yet, trying my best to push it away.

Do you know how much it hurts?
No, I wouldn't think so.
But yet, here you stay in my life.

Why do I let people treat me the way I would never treat them?
'Cause I'm stupid enough to let them stay in my life for too long
And now I can't live without them.

It always starts out as a feeling :)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye

Not this time.

Just like that I'm crawling back to you,
Just like you said I would yeah,
I swallowed my pride,
Now I'm crawling back to you,
I'm out of my head,
Can't wait any longer,
Down on my knees,
I thought I was stronger.
Just like that, like you said I'd do,
I'm crawling back to you.

\

Not this time.

I love you, that should be more than enough reason for me to have you.

A Thank You letter to God :)

Dear God,

I want to thank you for another day of life. I thank you for the air I breathe, for the food I eat. I thank you for the place I call home and for my parents and my brothers. I want to thank you for the people that you have put into my life.

Thank you for being there even when I didn't want you to be around. Thank you for staying even when I was unconsciously pushing you away. Thank you for comforting me when I was straying in the dark. Thank you for showing me the way back when I was lost. Thank you for giving me peace when I was worrying and when I was about to lose my head.

I can never thank you enough for the people that I have in my life now. I know there are times when I doubt and hate everything and everyone. I thought the past would catch up with me and everything would just repeat itself again. I know sometimes I doubt your word even though I know in my heart that you love me and all you want for me is the best. I know sometimes I say that I don't feel you, hear you or anything. I am sure you know how exactly I feel about the people leaving and stuff because I know you feel it too.

Thank you for putting her in my life. Thank you for putting me through what I did over the few years because of all that, I am now able to fully appreciate and love a friend like her. It's like she's my angel sent by you. It's like when I am doubting you and her and everything, she will always be the one to say that she will always be there and just give me a reason to go on. Everything that she said to me is like a reminder from you and her, telling me that it's not the end. Everything was exactly what I need to hear every single time. A friend like this can only come from the best, that is you.

Thank you for giving me the strength to get back up right after a fall. Thank you for giving me the confidence to stand up tall and walk with my head up. Thank you for giving me someone to be my rock and for being my rock at the same time. Thank you for giving me the ability to understand other people and to care about them the same way you care about me.

You will always be that someone that will be there even after 10th thousand years because you live forever. I thank you for my best friend, she was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don't want her to go anywhere.

Thank you for loving me.

I love you.
Sincerely,
Tryphena x