Positive.

I will be that girl that will try to smile even when it hurts. I will be that girl who will keep going even though all hope is lost. I will be that girl that will get back up after spending some time on the ground. I will be that girl that will stay strong no matter what.

Pain. Just pain.

You know the kind of pain that makes you short of breath?

The kind that makes you want to shrivel up and hide from the world. And then, you just want to close your eyes while lying in bed and pretend that everything else is just a dream. You feel this gaping hole in your chest but you don't know what's wrong. You're not upset, you're not sad. No, you're very sure that you're not numb. You feel something but you don't know what's that called.

You'd think falling asleep will make everything go away, at least just for a little while. Then, you realize that you can still feel the pain even in your dreams. You don't give up, you try harder to fall asleep but to no avail, you know that you can't because the pain is consuming you and your brain just refuses to shut up. You end up tossing and turning all night, feeling the emptiness engulf you whole. You know you can't cry because the tears won't come. You wrap your arms around your body, hoping to get a little sense of security. Yeah, it doesn't work.

Then, you take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. You feel your lungs expand and contract. It hurts to breathe. You close your eyes as you breathe. Your eyes burn due to insomnia. Your hearing becomes sharper to sounds that does not seem to be there in the first place. Yeah, insomnia does that to you. All you want to do is just to sit somewhere, breathe and try to get through the day in one piece. The agony of this, you'd do anything to get rid of this.

\

And you just can't make sense of this pain because it's not suppose to be there anymore.

Fact of the day

I get really really cranky, irritated and annoyed when I'm hungry. Fact.

I didn't start the day in a nice way today. And my phone is going to lose all it's data and contacts because my On/Off button wouldn't work and it's procedure for the people fixing my phone to "update" the software. Update as in delete everything.

I mourned and got bitter, LOL.

My dear phone, te amo, mi pequeño,

Sigh.

Just breathe.

Just for once.

I'm always the one who is doing all the fighting. 

I want to be fought for, just for once.

This is what we feel like doing sometimes.

Made my day x

(:

For you.

It's time to try to be over you.

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cause right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cause you walked the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months 
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walking round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Crying over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me of what used to be

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Don't make me think about her smile
Or having my first chold
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Refusal.

http://picklesarestillnotmything.blogspot.com/2011/07/be-my-reason-to-love-again.html

I've written this a year or so ago. Nothing much has changed. I'm still scared. I still refuse to love, at least to let myself love. Getting hurt, no, that's not the part that I'm afraid of. I've loved, still love someone after 8 months of torture and pain. No, that's not it.

I'm afraid that if I love someone, I will never stop loving them, The person above is different, she's my best friend and there will never be a chance of us ever being romantically involved so that kind of love is fine.

The one that I'm talking about is the kind that breaks you into pieces. The kind that makes you stop living and makes you stop wanting to live. The kind that makes your tears fall whenever you see something because everything, EVERYTHING is going to remind you of him. The kind that makes even breathing look like rocket science. The kind that makes you realize that no one else will ever love you ever again.

I've seen enough broken people, seen enough people being broken to know what being broken feels like. I don't know what that kind of broken feels like. I have been broken before, just in very different ways but I guess it's all the same. You feel pain, you feel agony, you feel torture, you feel numb and you just want to die.

We decide how much of a risk we are willing to take. This time, I'm just too tired to risk anything and to brace myself for the pain.

This time, I just refuse to feel.