3 days after turning 26.

I took a little time off to be busy, to "reclaim myself". I'd like to think that I did it well. I have made a few changes in my life and I would also like to think that it was changes that I needed and an attempt to make myself feel save again. To top it off, I believe it gave me great confidence and made me even more determined to be who I am and not feel that pressure to change it.

1. I moved. I love my room now. I have always enjoyed the idea of compartmentalizing areas of my room to specific needs that I have. For example, I have always wanted a big study table and basically make it my own space to do work and play games on. Now I have it. Kao Kao gave it to me for free because his office was throwing it away. This is an executive table with another smaller side table on it. Basically everything I have ever wanted as a kid. I have only started cleaning up my table because I finally have time and I am also procrastinating.

2. I started bullet-journaling. I am not great with design and templates and all that but I found great joy in lists, diagrams and charts to process all the information that I currently have in my life. It is a very new way for me to record down my life and frankly I don't know if I would be keeping up with it or not. I am enjoying it so far but the only thing is that I don't really have time? I will try to make time. I have a bad habit of just lying in bed and not doing anything. Now that I am sitting here in front of my computer, I am very productive. I really just enjoy having a computer.

3. I have a computer now. I basically looked up the specs I want and researched and scouted for everything with the help and opinions of other people. It was definitely something exciting that happened in October because I made this decision on the spot and got the PC in a week. So it was just a week of intense research and ordering and BAM, computer! Still very proud of myself. I don't remember too much of my specs because I didn't really understand everything since I only researched for what I wanted only. Still very proud of myself. I didn't think I will ever understand it and buy my own PC but I did it! I think it's something impressive for me to keep celebrating.

4. I became very private. Even more private than before. I made this choice because I didn't see a point to keep entertaining my need to be heard? After the whole thing, I fought very hard with myself to really understand "People will not listen if they are not ready to listen. It is irregardless of your feelings most of the time" and "You can love someone but sometimes it will not make a difference". I think it was a very huge lesson. I think it was a lesson that I was always trying to learn. Now that I have learn it. It has made a huge difference. It allowed me to be selfish if I need to be. With that, I am very private with what I share because I now get it when people say "Not everyone you share things with, cares about you". Basically no one knows anything about me unless I tell you. I think mainly it's cause I got the idea from Sonia. She is quite private but I see the power in that decision.

5. I tried FD. I put a small amount of money in it to try and basically to see if it will really stop me from taking the money out and using it. It works so I will continue to keep that amount in the bank. I don't really care about the interest really, I just want somewhere that I can put my money in and not allow it to be taken out.

6. I started to get part time video editing gigs. I really need to work on it. Been procrastinating the whole day. I'll edit first and write when I am done.

1/1/19

I started going to the gym 3 months ago.
I tried to reclaim what little of myself that I had left.

16/8/18

I fell in love.
Her name is Julie.
She has big eyes,
eyes that squint into a straight line when she smiles.
Her voice, her words smooth as jazz on a Tuesday night.
I love sleeping next to her.
She smells like flowers,
smells like the best dream ever.

We spoke different languages when things were tough
Emotions were bottled up and spilling
on every surface, every experience, every wound.
She screamed into eternal abyss with her silence
while I hurled words into nothingness like broken plates that shattered on old walls.

I take it back.
She did not speak at all.
She only spoke at the end.
Her words, caked with an underlying anger that only came with years of unresolved rage.
Pointed all her fingers at me and deemed me the culprit,
Said I was the one that stomped on the flowers that she planted
Said I was the one, the smudge in the printer that ruined the pretty photos

22/10/18
It's been more than two months.
I stopped staring at the grey head that once held your picture in my phone.
My thoughts are no longer for you, no longer you.
Dreams are just dreams, no longer a looping film of losing you.
Got a heart, ready to have your name on it.
Now all that's left is a plaque, missing the rest of your name after J.
Still got that knife wound in my chest.
You missed, got a piece of my heart but not all of it.
My poem was unfinished because I was hurt.
I didn't know how to finish it.
I think I don't think I want to finish it.
She has all my words, and you get none.

Loss.

I think when you lose someone, you never really stop losing someone. You lose them again when you think of them because who you remember is sure to be a different reflection of who they are now. You lose them again when you miss them. You lose them every time you imagine their reflection next to yours in the mirror, when you try to remember how their body fits into you. I feel that the more you see the change, the more you lose them. I can’t pin point it.

I’m in quite a lot of pain. I don’t quite know how else to say it anymore.

She changed her mind, most likely.

My heart has continued to drop endlessly for days. I continue to feel numb when I am not with company. I feel dead. I have mildly tried to recreate the mess I feel inside on my wrists and my belly. Maybe I really am not enough. Maybe it really is my fate to forever be left behind or a burden. 

I said I would wait for the year. I will but maybe at the price of my sanity again. I trusted you because you were so determined and I gave you all my understanding and my efforts and my empathy even though you did not deserve it. 

I was wrong. Now I am alone in my room. My wrist and my belly burns and I am alone in my room, mourning again. Mourning the person I believed you to be. I am alone again. I am alone. 

You are this close to changing your mind and leaving me behind. After that, I am alone again.

Bee Gees, amirite?

I realize I've spent a lot of time missing people.
I don't do anything about it.
Not because I don't want to,
A lot of times I would have almost made up my mind
and then, I remember that I couldn't afford to.
It was a bitter moment
because I was limited and there was nothing I could do.
So I settled,
Settled with just missing them.
Maybe that's why I remember the small moments, the small things.
My brain was getting all these information ready
for a rainy day, which was almost everyday.

The things I remember are odd:
the twinkle in my best friend's eye
the way lips felt
the deep sighs that my little brother could make
the way my family harmonizes at the dinner table
cold beer on lonely nights
cigarettes in a loud club
warm hands in mine when my insides felt like pitch black
sharp pain on the insides of wrists

I think I've spent a lot of time missing sensations
In these sensations, there were heights of emotions.
In these emotions, there was a fight to staying alive.
I think I miss being alive.

1/6/18

I never really admit what I want for myself, especially when it comes to being with someone and what I hope to have with them. I don’t admit that I want that quaint kitchen to cook meals with them, small living room with an L-shaped sofa in front of a medium-sized TV. I’ve always imagined what my life would be like with someone. It was something I’ve always wanted. I’ve never had it written down anywhere, never had a small sketch even. As if I am too terrified of it never coming true. If I don’t have it anywhere in black and white, it doesn’t exist, it’s not real. I will remain that girl that can be alone, that can have her own life and not need anyone because what good is there to have someone constantly around?

This is one of the second time where I am screaming it to the skies (or rather the ceilings of the this box called a blog) that I do want a life with someone. I want it so bad that it brings me pain because I know it is and will remain to be a dream. 

The first time I said it out loud to myself and to someone was when I was playing the questions game with her. I asked her what her ideal life would be like. She described apartments, the number of pets, where it would be and the ideal partner. I didn’t intend to answer the question myself because I never thought people would be interested. However, she was. She asked and I cannot help but completely be warmed by the genuineness in her reciprocation. I started out stating that I wanted to live in apartments or condos. Then, mental pictures of living rooms, kitchens, work room are slowly painted with every descriptions that I could give her. The more I described it, the more the ache in my chest throbbed against my ribcage.

I want it. I want it all. So bad. I cannot see anyone wanting this with me. Not even when I see it with them.

Last letter to the first.

Hello Sugarpie,

I hope you are well.

When I say that, I mean I hope I am doing better than you, that I am much more loved, much happier, much better than you. I hope you were not run over by a car but splashed by one, that your food arrived at your table exactly the way you want it to be but lukewarm. I hope you only remembered that you need to buy toilet paper after you finish it. When I say I hope you are well, I hope you are slightly inconvenienced but unharmed.

I am writing this letter to tell you that I am well. I have just bought a speaker that could drowned out the sound of you leaving. I am writing to tell you that I can see the small traces of you slowly washing away from me. Soon, I hope my memories of you will quietly stay put away in a photo album hidden in the back of my closet.

I have died for a very long time after you left. I thought I'd stay dead for a very long time but I met someone. I have met someone that allowed me to give myself permission to put you away. I saw a flower sprouting in this dessert that I call my heart. It's a miracle, really. I don't know if it will work out or not but I am grateful.

I like smiling and laughing and feeling okay. I just want to tell you that I am happy that it's no longer because of you. I think I finally am able to close this chapter that took up close to three years of my life,  two was just to get used to the idea that you no longer love me.I am grateful for you, grateful that I was given a chance to love you. I mean, I always will love you but I am okay with the fact that you don't know that now.

You had my heart. It was entirely yours. You can add that to your collection that you took pride in. I don't need it anymore. I have a new one now.

All the best in life, Cassandra. This time round, I really mean it because you really need it and because I genuinely want you to be okay.

With all my love for the last time,
Tryphena

I have never been the one to run from what I feel,
or swallow what I feel.
It's been more than a month since I've written.
I am feeling exactly what one will feel after a month of being "too busy" to deal with feelings
I feel emotionally constipated,
in short, I feel numb.
I have made myself busy, tired, angry.
I ignored the sad, the depressed, the want to die.
Here I am with emotions overload and I am trying to find peace in places that I know has none.

I have felt angry
because how dare life!
How dare life make me work for the next 30 to 40 years just so I can have a life!
It's not even to enjoy life, it's just to have the slight option of having a life.
How dare life demands so much positivity from me when so much has left me so empty!
How dare I want love!
How dare I want to come home to someone who loves me!
How dare I want something that has been seen everywhere!
How dare I want someone to hold and to hold me!
How dare I want to have a place to call home!
How dare I just want peace.

I realize this year that kindness is linked to love and being loved.
I find myself consciously being aware of times when I am being nice.
Buying an extra soda for my mum when she broke her glasses,
telling my best friend I love her when things are bad.
I never knew how much I didn't care anymore until I cared.
It felt like an awakening, or rather a revelation from myself to myself.
It explained my lack of writing,
my lack of interest in anything that tries to stir up any emotions,
my complete disregard for the presence of any empathy and compassion that I sometimes feel.

To be honest, I don't care.
I don't care if the world is burning or if I am burning
I mean, in the grand spectrum of things,
everything is bullshit.
I am so angry that everything is bullshit.
I try so hard to find meaning or put meaning to things.
If everything is bullshit and everything means nothing,
I am that idiot that tries to ignore the big picture
because so what if she still remembers my birthday and I feel happy that she remembers.
So what if I traveled the world?
So what if I have not felt peace or sanity in a long time, what if that's the last time I felt like someone could love me?
or I have not had a hug, a long proper hug in a while?
So what if I wanted that?
What if I just want life to be good to be for a bit?
What if I just stop trying?
What if I died?

If everything is nothing,
I have wasted my time and I am tired.