Day 16 of 30 challenge: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

There's a lot of things that one would change when given the chance. For mine, it's the way that children is treated.

Children, to me, are the sincerest, purest and most innocent beings ever and people abuse that about them because "they don't know any better" and "it's okay, they'll have to learn that life is shit sooner or later". Fuck you. They ask genuine and real questions, out of curiosity. They don't know understand what hate, insults, spite and those other emotions are. They don't know how to feel unwanted, how to abandon someone or how to open the fridge door. They represent a clean slate that most of us so desperately want. They are a complete new life, a new book which is waiting to be written.

When you ask a child something that requires them to have an opinion, their answers surprise you. I have a brother who is 9 this year and he likes to play with barbies. My family just let him.

Once, I asked him, "Why do you think you like to play barbie dolls?" "I don't know. I like it because they get to be pretty and their clothes are very beautiful," he said. Then, he turned to me and with the most childlike voice, asked, "Jie jie, do you think that you and me switched bodies because you don't like to play barbies and I like barbies?"

How am I supposed to explain to him about social norms? He is 9 and he's supposed to just enjoy whatever he's doing now. I did anyway, using the simplest words and situations to explain to him that the world isn't fair to boys who shows any signs of femininity. He went quiet and said, "It's okay, no one in my school knows," and continues playing. And I, unknowingly, taught him what shame is.

I wish that the world could have an open mind about children. Everything they do WILL have an effect on their future. When I was younger, I read a lot, like A LOT. Now I am in a Mass Communication course, planning to be a journalist or a writer for the media industry. Given my little brother as an example, he might be the next designer. I try to show him that it is possible to be anything you want and it is nothing to be ashamed. I am grateful that the media is showing a lot of guys being involved in the music industry and in the fashion industry. He used to be ashamed about ballet but now, he thinks the SYTYCD guy dancers are the coolest.

It's not fair that kids have to conform to all the social standards that the society has set. All the labels are so unfair, especially when given to little kids who have not even learn how to tie their shoe laces. So fuck off. Everything that you do affects the kids around you. They learn from your actions and they understand life through everything that is going on with them.

I could go on and on about this but I think I'm gonna go off topic so yeah, if I could change one thing about the world, it would be how children are being treated.

Greatest achievement of the day: 20/6/14

I am sitting here, listening to "This is What It Feels Like", W&W's remix of Armin's song while eating a quart of yogurt.

It's weird how painful breathing is. Everything just feels heavy. Even though it's painful, I also feel numb. My heart hurts but somehow my mutilated wrist didn't contribute to that. I can't remember half the things I've said or done. It sucks, it really does.

Greatest achievement of the day: I got up from bed, walked out of my dorm and went to get a drink and yogurt for dinner. It's pathetic as dinner but it's something because if I didn't force myself to get up, I'll just stay there till the next day.

Seeing that I can barely type out a proper sentence without zoning out after every word, I'll leave it until next time.

I have absolutely no hope left in me. A car would hit me and I wouldn't care but because of this, I am still here.

Late night Confessions: 19/6/14, 1.03AM

I cannot see someone being in love with me. I mean, how could they? I'm all fats and stretch marks, frizzy hair and big arms. If they give ratings for puberty, I would say puberty gets a 3, only because it gave me boobs. I grew up thinking that I didn't need love. I grew up thinking that love is equivalent to pain and that to love is to be in pain.

Then, I learn that love is gentle and soft but what would they say when they reach out to stroke my arm? What would they look like when they realized that all they can feel beneath their fingertips are never ending bumps? I cannot see them hugging me tighter or holding me closer when I cry.

I cannot see anyone missing me so much that they cry. I cannot see anyone crying and asking me not to leave. I have never felt wanted or needed. I don't understand why anyone would want me or need me. There are better people around, so yeah, I get it. I was always second, always.

Slowly, you just get used to it. You get thankful when someone remembers your name. You thanked people when they pay a little attention to you and you'd say to yourself, "At least someone noticed me this time." The saddest thing about this is that when someone is genuinely nice to you, you have no idea how to react to it.

Simply, I believe that I am not supposed to be loved or to ever feel love because when I feel it, all it brings is pain. I'd rather be without it.

Day 15 of 30 challenge: What’s something you wish you could say to that someone?

Depending on what and who someone. I have so many things that I would like to say to a lot of people but there's always one. She caused me so much pain. Too much and I practically died from it. I'm a very very different person now. No, I don't need people telling me, I feel it, which is sad.

Dear you,

You fucked me up. Do you know that you completely fucked me up? All you said, this entire time, was "get over it", "try harder" and "what do you want me to do?" What do I want you to do? Tell me we are still friends. Tell me that you still need me in your life even though we don't hang out anymore. Tell me that you don't want to see me anymore. Tell me I am dead to you and you were using me all along. Fucker, do something about it. I did everything I could and it's up to you. You fucker, what do I want you to do? I want you to fucking suffer as I watch on.

I can't look through my phone's photo album because you are in 60% of all the photos. I can't listen to songs because there are so many songs that are associated with you. I remember the movies that you liked and realized even though I also liked them, I can never see them as MY movies because YOU liked them. My favorite songs are desecrated by the memories of you. Fuck you.

I can list out all the random things about you. I don't know how much about you has changed but I don't think I care now. You have been the biggest mistake that I have ever made. You were the one that made me hit rock bottom by just telling me to do so. The worst thing is that I'd do it because you said so, just like how a siren makes a sailor meet his death. You were a fucked person from the beginning. I should have seen that. I know that I refused to because I honestly loved you.

I remember the day that you didn't come to school because you got your stomach pumped. I remember the day where you fainted outside the classroom. I remember the morning you called when you got into an accident. I remember the night that you called when you were in Spain. I remember the day when you surprised me with you already back from Spain. I remember travelling to the Philippines with you. I remember tucking you into bed when you were so drunk. I remember acting as a look out whenever you wanted to smoke at home. I remember waking up at 1am to drive you to get your car which died earlier that day on a hill. I remember wrapping my arms around you while you cried and feeling completely helpless. I remember crying, telling you that I couldn't stop bleeding and all you could do is scream at me. I remember crying again, telling you how I feel and you frowning, telling me to try harder. I remember sitting in front of you, begging you to see that I am trying my best and you just coldly telling me to try harder again. You're a fucker.

You are a bitch, a fucked up asshole that threw me aside but kept me close enough so that it's be easier for you when you needed me. Now that you have a new group of friends, you completely ignored me. I never received any phone calls or messages from you anymore. Everything you said about loving me and me being someone that you trusted was a lie. If I was so important to you, why was it so easy to kick me out of your life? It's like you never existed now.

I don't remember what your laugh sounds like. I forgot what you sound like when you're happy. I forgot what your different smiles mean, or maybe all of them are just different depths of lies. I don't remember how you'd react when you're stressed. I don't remember if you like sushi or not. I don't remember your shoe size or the prescription of your eyesight. I don't remember what you look like when you're happy. I don't remember if you hated spinach or not. I don't remember the kind of pen that you use or your Starbucks order or your favorite book or if you ever loved me.

You broke me. Do you understand that, you broke me? Just like he broke you back in July 2011. The only difference is that I was holding you in your car while you were crying during a thunderstorm. I'm here now, feeling every ounce of this pain but I'm alone. I gave you everything, my time, my energy, my whole being. You said, "Not everyone will screw you over. I won't." Fuck you, I still remember that. It was in your study room. You were wearing that grey jumper from Philippines with your hair in a bun. You looked me in the eye when you said that. I honestly believed you then. Oh god, I really loved you.

You were the last person that I would ever hurt. Clearly, it's not the same with you. Do you even understand the thing with me now? I cannot feel anything more than a glimpse of pain. I cannot cry, nothing. When I was writing the paragraph above, I was so so close to tears and then, poof, gone. It's like my mind blocked it completely. It is a good thing for me though sometimes because I'd imagine beating you up and I'd just hit you over and over and over and over again. It doesn't even bother me that I might kill you. Or I'd just bludgeon him and make you watch.

I have no mercy for you now. I won't mind doing something that will cause you pain. I'd make sure to be a witness to it. Just like Regina from Once Upon A Time, your suffering will be my happy ending. I don't understand what you did, I don't think I'll ever understand it. You're a fucker. You're a fucked up person. I pity everyone who loves you because you'd just throw them away just like you did with everyone else. I know so much about you, and now I see it. You have no one close because you throw all of them away when they served their purpose.

Fuck you, F. I really loved you but now, fuck you. You'd never understand and I don't expect you to anymore.

Day 14 of 30 Challenge: What are features you get complimented on a lot?

Features, ey?

Usually they say I have nicely shaped eyebrows. I don't pluck them or shave or whatever. It's just like that naturally. I call myself lucky.

The other is my smile. They say I smile and laugh a lot. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just look very cheerful.

Greatest achievement of the day.

My greatest achievement of the day is getting out of bed.

Depression has found its way back to me again. I woke up feeling the full weight of it. As what someone once said, "How can emptiness feel so heavy?" Exactly. Waking up has never been so numbing and painful, at least it hasn't been like that in a while. It was nice while it lasted.

I just wanted to stay in bed. I want to go back to daydreaming my fantasies of when things were good, when I can finally be happy, when someone finally loved me. One person can fuck you up, bad. Even if they, THEY, don't matter to you anymore, you still feel the pain, without them. I thought that I won't feel it when I'm over them. No, still woke up with the familiar but sad realization that I'm still alive.

I forced myself to get out of bed, to go to Muay Thai class. Even when I was halfway walking there, everything in my body was screaming at me to turn back and go back to bed. Weirdly, I still went and I managed to put on that mask.

After three weeks of leaving, I realized that I have not given myself the time to settle down or to feel. I don't feel. I haven't been feeling or I feel like I have been ignoring everything I want to feel. I am just numb.

Day 13 of 30 challenge: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change and why?

One thing. Hmm, I am pretty content with how I look now. Yeah, I'm a little overweight and stuff but I'm okay with me. 

However, if there is one thing, it would be my teeth. I would wish that they are a little smaller or at least be nice and not crooked. Honestly speaking, they're not crooked but my wisdom teeth is growing out so it sort of "ruined" the nicely-braced teeth. It's not bad now, like only I am conscious about it because it's very annoying. 

Why? Well, it's nice to have straight teeth.

This has been a boring post. I'm sorry :)