Happiness seen in a moment.

"I was there for a while and then, I.." I watched him while he was telling me a story. I had asked him about his life and the kind of changes that took place. He was said to be a very busy person but he seemed content. I was positively curious, and somehow intrigued.

I watched him as he talked about his move from a city to another big city, his "dead-end" job that he later quit after 4 months. He was animated and on the roll. His story consisted of misfits, mistakes, misheard directions and mischief. His tone was light as he described the tall and grey skyscrapers that pretty much resembled skeletons of the post-apocalyptic world in some movie that I have never heard of. It was like a little boy telling his mother about his day. He was excited and enthusiastic, and simply full of life.  

I asked him if he regretted moving so much because he mentioned that he was homeless once. I was genuinely concerned because to be homeless in a city that you have never been in is a completely disaster. He was amused with my question and it puzzled me. He obviously saw the puzzlement on my face because he answered immediately, "Yeah, it was horrible but I wouldn't change it for the world." I cocked my head to the side, now I was confused. I honestly thought that I was talking to a man who was completely out of it. He was casual, actually a little too casual which increases my curiosity but I patiently waited for his next sentence, as it looks like it was at the tip of his tongue.

"Then a few months later, I met her." He said, again in his casual tone. Then, something happened. He smiled, right after he said "her". No, it's not the type when you're trying to be nice. It's the type where you can tell the thought of "her" makes his world stop. His eyes closed in reflex and you can see the creases at the side of his eyes. His lips curled up involuntarily as he broke into a full, teeth-showing smile. His cheeks turned pink as he lowered his head at the thought of her. I have never seen someone so happy in a long time.

"You love her?" I asked. 

He nodded as he looked up to meet my eyes. "I love her so much." Just like this, his world made sense and his life was better. From that, I understood that spirit of his. He was happy about the good things, he wasn't even bothered by the bad things. Nothing can touch him, he can conquer the world, for her. The rest of our conversation continued from there. The smile on his face never faltered.

After that, I can never stop replaying the way he smiled at the though of her. It was so rare, so genuine and so human. He loves her and it shows on his face that he would give anything for her. Maybe being in love isn't bad thing, I can't be sure though. However, the thing at the moment was that he was happy so I was happy for him. 

Day 12 of 30 challenge: What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?

Obviously from the last post, you'd know that when I love, I really love. My biggest fear when it comes to relationships is that when they leave me, I wouldn't be able to put myself back together.

It happened to me though. No, it's not a relationship, I didn't date that person but we had a real relationship, as in connection. That person was the first person that I really truly loved and that person was one of the most important person of my life. it happened to me because I didn't think that they would leave.

I trusted that person, I love that person. When they left, I felt like I was dropped on my butt. I thought that I had felt the worst of pains when something similar happened to me when I was 15 but I was wrong. I was devastated. I was at a sense of loss that I didn't understand, I felt like a compass that forgot where North is. I was completely useless to everyone because all I wanted to do was to go back to that person, or at least to that person I once knew.

There were days where I couldn't breathe, as if holding my breath was easier because every breath was just as painful as a stab to the chest. Actually, I would take that stab to the chest, thank you very much. Everyday felt like I was drowning but I couldn't die. I was in so much pain that I didn't know how to function without wanting to scream every single time I took a step. then, this numbness took over and I thought numbness was suppose to make you numb. No, it burned and the pain intensified, screaming just does nothing to help. I don't understand how I could still be alive right now.

I still feel it everyday. Every god damn day. You don't just get over this kind of pain, you feel it everyday, the after effects, everything. It doesn't leave you. The pain and burning and panic comes once in a while, and when I see that person, everything that I felt would come back, it'd be like it never left. I paid so dearly with that one time when I let my guard, my whole guard down. I was destroyed and I couldn't pick myself up after.

That person tells me to open up because I needed to and they were the last person that I opened up to. Fuck you, letting you in was the biggest mistake of my life. You destroyed me, completely utterly destroyed me. You left me there in pieces and you expect me to be okay just because you said I would be? You gave me pain, pain that I didn't understand and I didn't know human beings are supposed to feel this kind of pain. Congratulations, you have rendered me completely useless and broken me beyond repair, my repair.

Are you proud of yourself? Will this be added to your lists of accomplishments? Will you do this to other people too? BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I STILL LOVE YOU. I still want you to be happy, I want you to smile, I still want the best for you.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, AFTER EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH, I STILL LOVE YOU. God, help me, I still love you so much and I don't know what to do.

Day 11 of 30 challenge: Are you a lover or a fighter?

I am both actually.

When I love, goddammit, I love.
I'd tell you that you look beautiful, perfect,
even with all your flaws that hung off your walls of insecurity.
I'd sing you songs that remind me of you.
I'd play you the songs that my heart beats to when I see you.
I'd say that you are a story waiting to be told, 
these scars that you bear from falling down and wrong side of beds.
Holy shit, that smile, I blew it the moment you look my way.
You are the plot twist in the stories, you captivate people,
you are the climax, the one that everyone has been waiting for.
I'd write you songs, poems,
but then, I'd stop because
no combination of 26 alphabets could ever describe
what I feel for you.
And those eyes, they echo centuries and centuries of wisdom and insight,
I could stare at them for so long without feeling lost.
I'd have to set myself on fire. 
Engulfed in flames,
that would be something that is only seemingly accurate 
to this overflowing love that I feel for you.
I'd scream to the whole world that I love you.
Oh my god, I love you.
I wouldn't be able to understand it completely,
I wouldn't be able to understand how is it possible for someone to feel
so much, so much about someone,
and not explode.
Goddammit, I love you, 
I love you so much.

A fighter, yeah, I am that too.

I'd beg you not to leave, I'd throw out every reason that I can make up to apologize.
I'd beg, on my knees, snot and tears, to fix things
I'd compromise, give whatever that I have.
I'd figure a way to make things work.
I'd refuse to take no for an answer.
I'd make it work, 
I'd make us work.
Fucking hell, 
I would do anything for you.

On being happy? I guess.

I have people tell me that,
I am one of the happiest people that they have ever met
I laugh a lot, I smile also, they say.
Funny, because I feel like I am anything else
but, that.
I guess it's a compliment?
I started to focus on myself more, call me selfish
but it helps me with "loving myself more".
They are right, especially when it comes to that.
When you love yourself, everyone else can go fuck themselves.
At least, that's what I try to live by.

There are days where I still feel you linger in my thoughts,
my dreams, in conversations that I have
and sometimes, in little things that I do daily.
I think I still hold you dear and I will still call you babe.
On the other hand, I wish to scream at you,
to make you regret every name that you ever called me,
for making me feel inferior,
for making me beg you, with all the apologies that I could say in a breath,
for making me believe that I indeed a horrible person,
for making me believe that I was never worthy of trust, or love.
You made me believe that no one needed me
and I believed every word.

I still have those messages.
I can still hear you screaming at me on the phone.
I took your pictures down a few months ago.
I tucked them away, somewhere deep in my drawers.
Give me a few more months,
maybe I'll be able to burn them then.

On being alone

It's weird though. It's like no matter how hard I try, I never seem to fit in or belong anywhere. Take today as an example, it was sports' carnival and of course, you go on the bus and do everything as a group and without fail, I always seem to be the odd one that has to sit with a stranger. It's not like I mind, it's just it's be nice, you know, to sit with a friend.

And come to think of it, I have always traveled alone. Whether be it on the train, bus or on the plane to fly back home, I was always alone. You'd think that I have gotten used to it by now, yeah, you're right but it's just, you know, having a friend might be nice for a change.

I learn to keep myself busy since I am on my own so much. When I'm on the bus, I try to look outside the window if I am near one. I'd wonder where all these people are rushing to. I'd wonder who their families are and when was the last time they called each other. If I'm nowhere near a window, I'd do the same thing with the passengers on the bus. I'd wonder if they have gotten mad at someone today or if they expect anything good to come up from the day. I would make up stories in my head about them but too bad, I never wrote them down.

I'd occasionally make a friend. For example, today, the guy sitting next to me is called Barack, from Africa and he is doing a Law degree. He will be transferring to the UK by the end of this year. It's surprisingly how much you learn about a person. I learn that he plays futsal and he wants to explore Kuala Lumpur. He's very nice and I don't feel so lonely after that.

I guess since I am alone for so long now, I don't think I know how to react when people really seem to enjoy my company. To me, they might just be too polite to tell me to shut up. I was hanging out with my sort of new friends Sharon and Hana. They told me stories about other people and about themselves and I was sort of stunned because I don't think I knew how to react to it. They were so eager to let me know about their jokes and funny moments and I have never felt like this in a while: that sense of belonging. I like them, they are nice people.

I hope they stay as my friends because so many people left. I mean it's okay if they don't. I wouldn't be mad and I wouldn't make them stay but it'd be nice if they did because they are very sincere and I really really enjoyed their company.

I think I'm just a little sad today. I'm not sure if this is an update or a rant so i think it's both.

Oh well. Till next time.