impossible to feel so much in a go.

it's not humanly possible to be consumed with rage, crippled with pain, bursting with happiness and clouded from depression.

it is not possible for the brain to even register all this information at the same time.

it is not possible for a person to feel so much that there's nothing you can do about it but to feel everything.

it amazes me how beautiful some girls are and I'm just here trying to not look like a tablecloth.

avoiding.

I've been trying to not die everyday. It's probably the worst thing for anyone to ever feel. It's not easy, trying to find a reason to not jump off a cliff or to just not press harder when a razor touches your skin. You literally hear your heartbeats and you can't help, but wish that it was numbered. It's not hard to hide this throbbing pain in your chest. Only you feel it. No one else can see it, I guess that's the part that sucks.

I know I act happy, laughing and all with other people. I'm not sure why but it's just my natural reaction to people. I mean, I don't even need to fake it, all the lies of how I am feeling just pour out. I know Francine heard it in my voice. She asked if I was okay because I sound upset. She heard it in less than 30 seconds. it's not a mask, I know I'm not putting on any because I don't even pretend to be happy. It's just.. there.

I've been mad and angry at everything recently. It's like my brain refuses to register any emotion other than anger. It's not healthy because it gives me headaches. I just feel hatred for everyone and everything that breathes. I know that being angry numbs everything else. Numb is good. At least numb allows me to function. That is until I broke down a few days ago and everything that I refused to feel for the past three weeks came flooding back and I couldn't stop crying and hyperventilating.

You know what's the worst part of all these? You can't do anything about this. You can only feel everything and try very hard to tell yourself that it's not real or that it's ending soon, even though you know it very well that you're just lying to yourself.

I've written notes and things before just in case but come to think of it, I really shouldn't. If anything does happen, they'll have to remember me by what they want to remember me by in the first place. If they really didn't care, a note about them won't make them start caring.

I felt broken when I started writing this post but right now, numbness again. I guess it's a good thing because I think I was this close to having another meltdown.

And then, there is you. The only one who can make me feel better when I feel utterly hopeless and the only one who can take away all the hope that I will ever get to feel.

Trying not to love you, only goes so far. 
Trying not to need you, it's tearing me apart. 
I see the silver lining, down here on the floor
I just keep on trying but I don't know what for.
'cause trying not to love you, only makes me love you more.

\

I love you to the moon and back, I'd go further if you asked me to.

I know you were a long shot
but I will still try to make you mine anyway.

here's the thing, you  can't be broken if you're already in pieces.

I wasn't suppose to cry

but I did 

and I couldn't stop.

I'm not sure why

because numb was all I was.

When the tears came, 

pain was all I felt

and when I stopped,

suddenly I felt tired

and pain took over the numbness.

leaving me here to try to hide it all over again .

"You're beautiful. Please stop."

I found this on Facebook. It helps and even though I've never heard people say this to me, it still means the world to see that people like Peter exist.

Back.

the pain is back.
I can't feel anything else
but that.
My chest hurts and
it's harder to breathe.
I wish that it goes away 
but 
it doesn't.

Shitty, just shitty.Just a list of things that I hate.

I've had the most messed up weekend. I'm too annoyed right now to write about it.

But things are just simply shitty.
I feel like I am so mad and angry at the world and I just want to hate everyone and everything.
I hate the trees that never grows big enough to give us shade here in KL.
I hate the fact that I am alone here and there is simply no one to talk to and the stupid fact that I stick out like a sore thumb is simply revolting.
I hate the fact that I cannot get over you and hearing that you were with that person, makes me hate myself because I know that I can never have you in that way.
I hate the fact that you will never, NEVER know how I feel and that I can never have the chance to be more than friends.
I hate that I fall more and more in love with you whenever I talk to you and as much as I want hate you, you are the only person that makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
I hate it that I am so mad at the world and everyone else in it that I can't do anything about it.
I hate that I hate so much many things right now that nothing can make me feel better.
I hate the fact that I am denying THIS with whatever and everything that I have in me and it's killing me.
I hate the fact that it's not something that I can cure and there's NOTHING I can do about this.
I hate that I can't tell anyone about this and I don't think they'll understand.
I hate the fact that NO ONE knows about this and I just can't.
I hate the fact that I am so mad at myself for being like this.

I am so mad at so many things and I think it is something that I've had compressed for a while and now it's a full blown explosion.

I guess I am mad at myself for the only thing I cannot, will not, and have not talked about with anyone.

I hate being broken and knowing there's nothing that I can do to out myself back together.

I hate myself. So much.

Hi Francine. I know I've said this a lot of times when I called or talked to you. I miss you. I wish you were here. I really really need you here. Oh well, hope you're well. Love you.

On sadness.

I know I'm sad

I know it by the way I smile

when the day is over,

my cheeks hurt and 

I guess I smiled a little too much

and I didn't feel like smiling at all, after that.

I know I'm trying,

trying to live, or 

at least trying to take it a day at a time

slowly

very slowly

I know I'm going to survive

it's just that right now,

I can't smile or laugh properly

I keep hoping that I won't wake up

it's just that right now,

I can't be happy

but I'm still going, even though

I'm crawling 

but I'm still going

slowly

a little day by day

To die would be an awfully big adventure.

- Peter Pan

for now.

left wrist sore,
two paper towels, soaked.
my head is spinning and
the voices in my head,
they're gone,
for now.

left wrist, throbbing
no pain but deep breaths.
Finally,
I'm alone in my own head
even if
it's only for now.

Puppies :)

I dream that I saw someone getting eaten by a crocodile. I got super horrified.

Then, I dream about trying to talk to a best friend which I don't feel like talking to anymore. I got pissed of about something and then, the rest of the dream is just her trying to look for me to talk and me just hiding in places, trying not to be found.

The following dream is me flying on a broomstick, super cool feeling. I felt happy and it was a rush. Then, I met another one of my close friend and she started talking to me about my best friend from the dream before. I was still annoyed and of course, I didn't want to listen when she was helping her to talk to me. I remember her trying to hold on to me, and I just shrugged her of and tried very hard to fly high so that she couldn't get me. I remember hiding also after that.

The best is the last. I dream that I got a puppy. I was in love with it. It was small and fluffy. I love it and there's no words to describe it. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up to find that it's not real..

Sigh. Puppy.

pretending.

I waved goodbye

and

I smiled, like I meant it.

Then, I closed my door

so that

I can stop pretending.

yo te extraño.

I miss you.

It's not much

when I say that

but

yeah,

I miss you.