A picture is worth a thousand words.

Maybe because it's 4:16 am.
Maybe because I'm sentimental right now.
Maybe because I miss you.
Maybe because I'm feeling rather lonely right now.
Maybe be cause having you around makes me feel better.
Maybe because it's easier to talk to you.
Maybe because I miss home.
Maybe cause I just miss you.

\

When I see your picture, I know I can stare at it and be happy forever. I remember that moment when that picture was taken. I remember what we did, what we said, what we laughed at. I remember looking you and shaking my head, thinking that I am so lucky to have found another person who is as retarded as me. I remember where this was taken and where we're heading after that. I remember you, you were smiling and it was very beautiful to see that because you were upset during the week. I remember being very happy because everything was just like the beginning. I remember hugging you and you hugging back and then, we laughed because we felt like it. I remember laughing even harder when we saw the outcome of the rest of the pictures and we sat there deciding which are the best ones.

They say pictures are worth a thousand words. Maybe I just have a way with words. Maybe I just have a lot more to say when it comes to you because we were too ridiculous that everything, even running through the mall is funny. Maybe I just like to describe everything that I remember in that particular moment. Maybe, like I've said before, I just remember the little things more vividly.

Now I'm looking at the pictures again. I miss you. I am trying not to cry but yeah, I miss you. I know I can tell the stories that lead up to all the pictures but all I can say is that I just really love you. You're my best friend and I haven't seen or talk to you in a while and right now, I just really really wish you were here because I need someone to sit in silence with and maybe cry for a little bit. I know I'll see you soon but right now, I just wish you were here.

A little bit better.

It was one of the better days today.
Things went well.
I did my radio show for one of my classes,
the prank call went well.
I was laughing so hard and
I didn't have to pretend any bit of it.
I laughed till my stomach hurt,
it was a good feeling.
I was sad that it was over
because it has been a while since
I felt anything else.

I went to lunch with one of my favorite people here
She made me laugh
and I was really happy to talk to her.
I didn't really want to talk to anyone else.
I refuse to leave my room
because it required effort,
effort to get up and face people.
The only person that I want to talk to
at least sit in silence with
is not here.
I feel like crying but
I can't cry because
I think that I just feel lonely instead of sad

Well, I like being with her, talking
making jokes and smiling.
At least I feel like I have to be when I'm
around her
It is good for me because
I don't know how long I can go on without smiling
or feeling something without faking it too much
At least I hope I'm not faking when I'm with her
because it'll make her sad and
I really don't want to see her sad

When I came home, I felt peace
Like I'm back to the solitude confinement
that I'm putting myself in
And I'm back in control of my own emotions.
I suppose that is a good thing.
I know something is wrong with me
but I just can't say what.
I just know that I cannot afford to disappear
no matter how much I want to
and I still do, even in this very moment
I wish to disappear like smoke into the atmosphere
One puff and I'm gone

I feel it, that depression eating me again
It's feeding on my emotions, even right now
I feel my energy draining away
like I'm slowly out of laughs and smiles
I am almost too tired to do anything
too tired to care
too tired to feel, numb, I think
I am supposed to be doing an assignment but
I feel like my body is going to explode
if I don't write.

If I do explode, it will be an explosion of emotions,
of everything that I cannot feel right now.
And when I do feel it,
All I feel is pain.

At least right now, being numb,
I can focus more on reality and maybe
push everything away, whatever it is.
Maybe I'll let it explode
whenever I can afford to shut off the world.

Or maybe, I'll just breath slower
and hide under my blankets.

This is just hunger and that talking.

I am very hungry. I mean it.

I feel my stomach churning and I feel my energy draining with every single word I type. I am so tired, so.. tired. I just want my brain and my tummy to shut up.

I am currently munching on a biscuit. It is making even more hungry. I realized that I haven't felt full since my lunch a few days ago. Yeah, I am officially living like a hobbit.

And yeah, I can't sleep. And I'm hungry.

Never a good combo.

Just because this songs helps me breathe.

\ 

Where was I when the rockets came to life and carried you away into the alligator sky?

Another level of nothingness.

I am currently starving.

I know what you people, who are reading, going to say, GO GET FOOD!

For someone who likes, LOVES food, I am quite often hungry because I am too lazy to get food.

I don't think it's only food. It's everything. I refuse to do anything these days. I would just want to stare at something till it's time to sleep. It's pretty much like what happened 5 years ago but at least, I was able to finish my homework or at least be useful before zoning out.

Just like the book, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Charlie experiences that feeling of knowing that it's bad again. That feeling of not knowing how to stop "that". You know that you're spiraling back to that place and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's not hallucinating. It's not the hearing voices. It's just that something that is slowly clouding your life. I don't know if it's worse or anything but I know I will be in a bad place like last time, only this time, I can't afford to be broken.

I am hoping, genuinely hoping that I will be okay because I have no one right now. I tried calling you but you didn't pick up both times. For the third time, I pressed "End" before it started to ring. I am not sure if I was afraid that you wouldn't pick up or I was right about you not picking up. I know you're probably busy and you might not be able to answer the phone but I am selfishly hoping that you would call back even though I know you won't. I know I shouldn't expect so much of people but I am willingly to do that much that I am asking of people. I am sure you know that because I have never stopped proving that to you.

I feel nothing. This time, it's weird. It's like my body is numb and my heart has stopped beating. Everything was suppose to hurt with every beating pulse but it doesn't. I am not sure if it's a good thing but I assume that it's not. I don't know how bad everything is because I can't seem to feel anything right now, except an occasional shiver. I hope you call back or leave me a message, I really do. I need to talk to you or at least pretend that you're close. I know I shouldn't expect anything from you after everything but I still hope that I may be proven wrong.

For now, I need to be okay. There is no way out for this because I have no idea how. I know things will be complicated especially when I panic when it starts again. If I do end up trying to end this, I don't know how far I'll be willing to push my own limits.

Aren't you?

Hey you!
Yeah, you, the one whose reading this.
Aren't you tired from life?
No? Well, I'm not either.
I am tired of people.
I am tired of pretending and caring.
I.. I just want this, all this to be over

You know those times when you just want to let it go
but you can't.
Then, you tell yourself
It's not important.
It doesn't have to bother you
but it just does.

And you chose to ignore it
or maybe
deal with it a little later

And then,
when it's time to deal with it,
you just refuse to open yourself up
to let yourself feel
because you are pretty sure that
you're not able to patch yourself up if
whatever that you are feeling starts to eat you up.

Aren't you tired of pretending that something doesn't bother you
when that is all that it does, the whole time
even when you're not thinking about it.
Aren't you tired of putting on that face
when none of it seems worth it
To pretend that things are fine when
they choose to be what it was before
To hope that it lasts when
they choose to be how they are now

Aren't you tired of stepping on eggshells
Always trying to guess what mask you should put on
Like when things are good,
you let out a sigh of relieve
When things are not,
you just hold your breathe
And hope that somehow you don't die
Sometimes, I just wish that I'll sink
so that I can somehow disappear from this scenario

There's not much you can do about this
because it's not you, you're sure about that
You don't know what's wrong but
you just know none of this is right

Aren't you tired of getting mad
at things that doesn't have a foothold in your life yet
Aren't you tired of getting upset over something like this
when you know you have other things, people to live for

Aren't you tired of it?
because I am.

God damn, You're Beautiful by Chester See

The only song that makes me feel everything, EVERYTHING that I refuse to feel.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I miss you.

The only song that allows me to think about you.

The only song that allows me to admit how much I love you.

The only song that gives me permission to break down and cry.

The only song that represents my weakness, you.

Difference: Drawing vs Writing

All has been well. And I am quite glad.

For some reason, some things are not easy but some people help you get through it without knowing that they're doing it.

I met this girl in school. She's a happy person. I simply cannot imagine her getting so mad that she would just explode like me. By being herself, always happy, optimistic, she somehow reminds me of that side of the world that I have forgotten. The side where everything good is, where things are brighter and somehow everything is going to be okay even at times that you don't feel like it.

She gives me hope. She reminds me to smile. I like hanging out with her because I am convinced that she likes having me around and to some point, I too believe that I am a nice person to be around with. Well, I'm not sure if I am but it's nice to believe that even if it's just for a little while.

She reminds me that I am okay, if not, will be okay. She reminds me that loving is not a bad thing. She reminds me of the good things that come with loving someone just when I am almost this close to giving up on everything. She reminds me that there is another life outside the mental cage that I lock myself in. She makes me feel like I'm a good person, like I am worth giving attention to.

She gave me strength stand back up by just having hope in everything that I stop believing in. It is like a refreshing supply of energy when I'm with her. Her innocence reminded me of how I should be even after being stripped away of happiness. She just makes me want to be a better person

I am not going to introduce her yet. I think it's too soon now. I think it's dangerous to feel so much in such a short while. It scares me because everything that I am feeling makes me vulnerable and I am basically handing her the weapon to hurt me. Plus, it might scare her off but she is an amazing person.

I need something new, something good and a chance to start over. God, being the know-it-all that we know he is, brought her into my life just for that purpose. I am thankful to God for her. She makes me smile and she makes me want to be better.

So yeah, enough ranting about the people I've met. I am supposed to be drawing for my design class. I still prefer writing to drawing because everything that I wrote above, you can't draw everything in one drawing.

Writing FTW!

It's like I'm 15 again.

Hawthorne Heights - Rescue Me

Just breathe
The midnight air will do you well
Believe...
I miss your taste, I miss your smell
The past mistakes that brought you here 
Will break the fall for you, my dear
I'll ask the nurse for bandages
Don't send me on my way

Rescue me 
from everything, I 
just want to live, I 
wish I could breathe

Every other day
I sit and wait for same the bad news
Can you hear me say
"I've got nothing left to lose"
Someone please start making sense
And beg the lord for accidents
I've seen the worst case scenario
I'm slowly letting go
Rescue me 
from everything, I 
just want to live, I 
wish I could breathe
[x3]

Rescue me
from everything, I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe (wish I could breathe)

Rescue me (rescue me)
from everything (everything), I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe (wish I could breathe)

Rescue me (rescue me)
from everything (from everything), I
just want to live, I
wish I could breathe