One of the bad days.

It's a long time since I've updated my blog. I feel weird if I don't update it. It's like I'm talking to myself but it's not?

I don't really do much now. All I want to do is just to curl up on my bed and sleep, or at least pretend to be asleep. My wrist hurts when I move it. Apparently, that wasn't enough to take the pain away.

I ended up on my bed, hidden well under my covers.

Almost every night for one week, I bled red, hoping that it would numb the pain for at least one night. One night of no dreams. Just deep sleep.

Nothing worked. I still dream of nothing but you. No one else but you.

I remember waking up in pain, in tears. I curled up tighter in my ball of blankets, as if hoping that the blankets would just come alive and swallow me whole.

Close your eyes before you hit the taxi.

It scares me how peaceful it felt even for that millisecond.

It's like you're free.

I want this feeling and I'm trying to get it without resorting to this.

We breathe in and then out.

even though it hurts, even though it's everyday but,

That's how we stay alive.

In the end.

Every time I promised myself that I'll forget the year 2012, I tend to find a reason to remind myself why I wanted to remember in the first place.

Every time I think of you, my mind goes back to year 2012, and everything just hurts and it doesn't go away.

I'd let the physical pain consume me till I don't feel this pain.

I'd bleed. I'd bleed myself dry, if it means I can forget everything.

I can't take this. It has been hurting for far too long anyway.

I need to function. I need to live MY life and be happy with it.

I don't want to let you make me feel like I'm not good enough because that is what I feel every single day.

I know you love me and I love you too but I'm the one who is always giving and I can't, not anymore.

I know sincerity and I know intentions. I know you too well to know if you're sincere and if you really did it for me.

I know I'll end up hurting even more because in the end, I'll always be the one who love and gave more.

Not you.

I know.

I know that he loves me. I know that he'll always be there.

That is enough for me.