Last post of 2012: Confessions

I remember the time when I am sure that I love you.

I remember feeling so upset like I was never gonna smile again.

Then, there you were.

Brown eyes with golden flecks, 5'4, brown hair with natural light brown highlights, a smile that lit up my world, hands that are so soft. The way you fit just right in my arms.

I remember the times where I look at you like you're everything that I have and I ever wanted, and me trying to figure it out what it meant.

Right now, closing my eyes, I can feel your hands on the side of my face. Your face being so close, your eyes staring straight into mine, telling me everything's going to be alright.

Then, your arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me close to you, pulling me into a tight embrace.

When you pulled away, you looked at me again. Your eyes filled with some emotion that I never see that often. You said that you love me and hugged me tighter.

I looked at you and I'm home.

I love you.

Happy New year 2013

For the last time.

I learnt that..

Most of us don't really learn about that feeling of "the last time" until we actually have to do something for that very LAST time.

Like now, it's my last time tweeting/blogging/sleeping/downloading stuff in my own room.

And somehow, we don't realize how important something or someone is to us until the very last minute. I think it's sad. 

When my mum told me that she couldn't sent me off to university in the morning, I felt tears in my eyes. And it's weird because she was there during every graduation, every performance and when she said she couldn't make it, I felt that emptiness of her absence even if I understood why she couldn't make it.

It's not like I'm mad at here but it's just that kid inside of you that wants to throw a tantrum is screaming "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!" And it's just that feeling..

Oh shit,

I'm crying. 

Why did I make myself cry...?

I haven't cried in a while. The last time I cried was the day I last saw Francine. It was like a pent up explosion of her leaving and me leaving my family and for.. change.

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate goodbyes. Like hate it!

I'd do anything to stop it from happening or at least let myself not feel the absence of that person or avoid it altogether.

People leaving. And goodbyes.

Those are my biggest fears. And I'm still having trouble facing it.

Francine, why are you on the other side of the world when I need you the most..? Come back :(

I'll write more later because I feel like I will have a lot of things to say, a lot of thoughts to be expressed and it'll be good, I guess.

I hope I get a nice roommate. I don't expect them to be neat ( 'cause I'm not.), proper ( I am so not!) or perfect. I just want someone that I get along with.

Fingers crossed. 

To be honest, I am really scared.

Sigh.

In too much pain to feel anything else. I'm sorry.

Loving her is red

The lyrics explain everything.

From how it felt loving you to missing you.

From trying to forget you to loving you even more.

Somehow I wish I told you how I felt.

I wished you knew how I felt.

I love you. - HC

Loving her is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly

Loving her is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in the autumn, so bright just before they lose it all

Losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving her was red

Loving her was red

Touching her was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you

Memorizing her was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

Fighting with her was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer

Regretting her was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong

Remembering her comes in flashbacks and echos

Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go

But moving on from her is impossible 

When I still see it all in my head

Burning red

Love is so red

Oh losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

Cause loving her was red

We're burning red

Her love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

9 more days

I haven't been posting lately. I didn't feel like it.

I'm going off to KL in 9 days. I don't know what exactly I should feel. I'm sad, excited, happy, scared, terrified.. It's a whole bunch of emotions mixed together, like a trail mix. Oh well..

It was Francine's birthday yesterday. I spammed her with birthday wishes. I miss her..

Today is Tan Pei Hung;s birthday.

And tomorrow is Foo's birthday.

I wish that somehow I will be happy because right now, I really can't.

I'll write more later because like I've said, right now, I really can't.

Inevitable, change.

December, being the last month of the year, almost has the same meaning as change.

During this time, most of the people will see if they completed all of their resolutions made in the beginning of the year and then, they would make new ones. Things that they would like to change, the character traits of themselves that they would like to change. This month, is all about change.

Students getting ready for a new year, buying new uniforms, new bags, new stationary. They promise themselves that they would work harder the next year, that they would change to be better. Working adults promising themselves to work harder to get a promotion and spouses promising themselves to be better husbands or wives to their significant other. And kids, they promise their parents to be better kids, to be obedient and all. Change. Everything is change.

You know what it means to me? December?

It means everyone leaving. I'm leaving my home to go to uni. My best friend is not going to be around so often. I will be in a new environment and I have to deal with people and things that are completely new, foreign to me. It means everything is going to change, it's going to be different.

I am not good with change. I despise change. I wouldn't want it if I had a choice but I don't.

I run away from change. I don't adapt well to change. Oh, save your lecture about how I need to and I have no choice, of course I know that. That doesn't mean that I deal with it well. In fact, I am pretty much a mess now, trying to deal with it.

I hate goodbyes because it brings change. I am honestly terrified and scared about uni because I have no idea what to expect from it. I am content with the way things are right now. I call Francine, she picks up. We chat and then makes plans together. Going away means all these that I have right now, is also going to go away.

I am not ready for all of these but then again, who is?

I refuse to change but then, I have to because there's no way I can afford it.

I hung out with Francine today. It's like our last time to hang out because she's off to KL tomorrow and then back again on Wednesday only to go off again to US on Friday. After that, I won't be seeing her till next year, mid January. That is for the Swedish House Mafia Concert and then, I have no absolutely fucking idea when I'll see her again.

I am scared. Not only cause of the change, also cause of the not knowing when I'll see you again. I cannot deal with the fact that the last day I'll see her is like on the day of the concert and then, BAM!, something bad happens. I can't deal with this.

When it was time to go, we hugged. 
I felt her arms loosen. I remember saying while refusing to let go, "I don't want to let go." 
I hear her laugh, she hugged me once again, with a plastic bag of cereal and toothpaste in one hand. 
Gently, she said, "But you have to."
We both let go at the same time as I looked at her and whispered, "I know.."
We said our last take cares and you toos and then, going our separate ways.

Our friendship, for me, is different because we have these small movie-like moments where the shortest sentences, the smallest gestures mean so much more. It's that part of the movie where the rawness of emotion and simplicity of words and actions makes the whole scene so undeniably real and then, you believe it. We have those moments. And it's those moments that help me through the hard times when I can't talk to her.

I was crying like hell when I was describing that scene above because it's something like the last hang out or something. I am indeed grateful for her, Despite our little squabbles and swearing at each other during our huge fights, I would not take back anything that happened from the moment I met this girl. It's because I knew her, I have been changed for good.

I am sorry for being sentimental but yeah, I am scared of the things that I cannot predict.

So the posts this month might be about how I am dealing with everything.