5 more days and sick.

I am sick.

My eyes are heavy. My throat hurts. My tonsils are in fact, inflamed. I can feel it throbbing. I don't know why but my nose keeps running. My whole body aches.

I am hungry but I am too tired or rather lazy to eat. It hurts to swallow and I can't breathe with my nose.

Ugh, I rarely get sick. And this is just me complaining how annoying it is to not be able to be alert and not tired.

OhMiGosh, I hate this.

I hate you but I love you more.

I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I don't know what to say. Usually, when I blog, it means that I have something to express, to say but recently, I am just keeping to myself, holding my tongue because I know I am capable to using things that hurt people to completely destroy them.

I like that feeling of knowing what to say to make them break. Anger fuels it and rage just makes you feel all powerful, like you could kill them and not feel a thing. Anger is my drive to win. It always has been.

But if you love someone more than you love to win, you'd force yourself to back down because you know very well that you can't take back what you said. So, you bite your tongue till it bleeds and back the fuck down.

I am forcing myself to not overthink, to not care, to not think about the excuses that you gave when you did what you did. I don't have anything else to say but the truth when people ask about it. Inside I hate you so much. I hated you for treating me like I'll understand because you're my best friend, like I don't matter when all I did was trying to prove that you matter to me. Oh, the irony.

Sometimes I laugh at myself, why do I  care? Oh yeah, because I fell in love with you. And that just complicates everything else, doesn't it? Different? I have to sit back and watch you fall in love with someone else. Explain to me how do people stay the same after that.I love you more than I hate you. I'd rather hurt than to lose you. Am I stupid or what? I don't expect you to love me back. I just expect you to treat me like I matter. If I don't, just pretend or tell me to disappear.

This will be the first and last time that I'll admit this or at least make this obvious for you. And I'm sorry for screaming at you.

I love you but I hate you.
I hate you for making me fight for you, be there for you, and then turn around to tell me that you cannot cope with my shit, whatever that means because when I'm with you, your shit is all I deal with.
I hate you for not seeing what you're doing to me and making me feel like a selfish bitch when I try to tell you what I feel.
I hate you for making me feel like the most important person in the world when you said you had no one and ignore me like I don't exist when everything with you is alright.
I hate you for breaking me on my own birthday and for making me love you anyway. 
I hate you for making plans with me and me knowing that if something better came up, you'd dump me.
I hate you for knowing that I'll be there and you taking full advantage of it just because you say you have "no one".
I hate you for having this ability to completely destroy and restore me, both at the same time.
I hate you for having this effect on me, for making me stay even when I know I'll die trying to make you mine in some ways.
I hate you for making me believe your promises, only to be disappointed and to find out that I don't matter.
I hate you for making me love you so much that I can't hate you.
I hate you because I can only see myself happy with you, and no one else.
I hate you because you changed me and now I can't change back.

I counted the number of times you smiled at me and I die on days that you didn't. -Santana

I love you so much. Sometimes, I wish that I don't.

Made me laugh, AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

Principle Figgins: As you may heard, our history teacher, Mrs Hagberg, has been forced into retirement due to some memory problems.

Flashback to Mrs. Hagberg teaching a class.

Mrs. Hagberg: And that's how Germany won the second World War.

- Scene from Glee

New York, I'm coming for you!

Being in New York is like falling in love, over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to serenade us to make it perfect.

 - Rachel Berry, Glee.

- Sue Sylvester

When you love someone like I loved her, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them.

A prayer of an 11-year-old Holocast victim

"God? How good you are, how kind and if one had to count the number of goodnesses and kindnesses You have done, one would never finish.

God? It is You who command. It is You who are justice, it is You who reward the good and punish the evil.

God? It is thanks to you that I have a beautiful life before, that I was spoiled, that I had lovely things hat others do not have.

God? After that, I ask You one thing only: Make my parents come back, my poor parents protect them (even more than You protect me) so that I can see them again as soon as possible.

Make them come back again. Ah! I had such a good mother and such a good father! I have such faith in You and I thank You in advance."

- 11-year-old Liliane Gerenstein, 
  extracted from http://www.deathcamps.info/Letters/new_page_2.htm

She was a Jewish orphan who was caught along with her brother and other kids at one of the orphanage. She was gassed a few days after she arrived at the camps during world war 2. It was basically like the end of the world for them but yet, she still have the faith to thank God for everything. From the letter, she's telling God that she's not afraid because he's with her.

And I am here, going to university, with a place to sleep, food to eat, water to drink, complaining about the things that does NOT amount to half the things that she went through. What does that say about me?

God? I am sorry for complaining. I am sorry for not being grateful. I am sorry for all the things that I have said. I have not thanked you for all the things that I have in a while now. I thank you for the things that are going well, I thank you for the things that are not. I thank you for reminding me how much I have to be grateful for. I thank you for waking me up form my slumber. I thank you for everything good and bad.

"Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." -Psalms 23:4

Even in the face of death, I will pray, for I am not afraid.

I don't suppose anything hurts more than this.

I don't what's gonna happen. Right now, I am trying my best not to care. I stop smiling when I see your picture. It hurts but not as much. I feel nothing when I see your picture, I guess that's a good thing. We don't talk anymore even though it's the only thing that I want right now. I am scared to say that I am giving up, that I am letting go but maybe it's for the best? Everything is different now. You can find someone better than me, someone who can meet your needs better. You don't need me in your life, you're better off without me.

At least that's what I convince myself to believe. Like that, I'll stop calling, I'll stop talking to you. Like that, I might be able to stop hurting.

Against

I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all the discouragement that can be.

- Alison, Pretty Little Liars

Happy November, everyone :)

it made me laugh.

I hope it amuses you too.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

When you don't expect it :)

It's been almost a month since everyone is gone. This time, I dare say that I have gotten used to it. Yeah, it can get a little boring but yeah, I got used to it.

It taught me a few things actually. Since I feel like writing today so I'll list it out and maybe elaborate a little:

1. You start to understand what friends are really for.
Before this month, Tim and I were never actually friends, like we barely hung out with each other and I was convinced that I would never be able to get along to him due to obvious reasons. He was my best friend's boyfriend and I was never friends with  any of my best friend's boyfriend.

To be honest, I was just stubborn. I was mad and I blamed him for everything that happened. I apologized though. Now under the circumstances, I was able to go shopping with him and hang out and talk. He is actually a good person to shop with. I didn't feel so lonely when I talked to him. He is surprisingly easy to chat with, which is something that I didn't expect at all.  Now I'm happy to call him a friend because he is a friend from the start, I just didn't give him a chance to be one.

Now Foo! His company has never disappointed me. People would tell me not to be so happy about it yet. To me, I am happy about it. He has never failed to make me smile every time I hang out with him. We are friends in primary school and  good friends too, to be frank. I guess some things never change in some ways. I am tempted to put a smiley face now :D

Foo reminds me of my brother. Stupid, idiotic, lame. I think lame says it all. I am lame too. And we can talk about anything. He is considered as one of my best guy friends. He was there whenever I had no one. He listened when my best girl friends didn't care. He was there the whole time when I needed someone.

Oh, here's a good story about him :) I got a ticket two weeks ago for illegal parking. I was out for lunch with him and I drove. We came back from lunch and saw the pink slip. OH SHIT! I was gonna put off paying it but he said he would go with me and he did. Usually with my other guy friends, they would wait in the car while I go pay the ticket but Foo just said,"Wait for me, I'll go in." With my money, of course.

He didn't complain. He didn't tell me I was stupid for parking there. He just laughed out loud with me, literally and went in the police station to help me pay for it. I am once again, amazed. He is a guy that knows how to be a real man. The girl he likes now is very very lucky to have him and I am honored to have him as my friend. He restored my hope to find amazing guys.

P/s Girls are not mentioned here because all of them are gone and not here. Guys are all that's left, LOL!

2. I learn that I am able to get on with life even if some of the people that I thought I can't live without is not here anymore.

Moving on might mean that you stop missing them but it doesn't mean that you stop loving them. It means that you love yourself enough to live your life instead of stopping it because of them.I won't say much on it because I guess most of us gets it. It's just that we take different times to actually understand it.

3. Get excited about the future. Why be fearful of the unknown when there's so many things about it to be celebrated?

The topic of university came up when I was chatting with Tim. He unknowingly showed me that there is a lot of things to be excited about. I worry a lot. Sometimes, maybe a little bit too much. I was worried about roommates and school and getting lost. Ugh, the perfectionist in me is coming out. It's nice to have a different view on uni and for once, I found something in him that I was trying to look for in everyone. He gave me stability even when we are talking about something THAT precarious. It was comforting because you know no idea how scared I was. Now I'm not anymore :) and I thank him for that.

4. You learn about the most important things when you don't expect it.

I guess everything above is the elaboration for this. All of these above, was everything I needed to know. And I got it.

I'm ready for uni now, bitches!

Sorry for the long post but I am glad :)

---

Dear strangers who might be reading this, 

life is unpredictable and 
what's beautiful and exciting about it is that 
we have the power to change it with the choices that we make.

Encantada :)

From Tryphena
x

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair 
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a 
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
Ans was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got his glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring loudly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

- Extracted from "Perks of being a wallflower"