Dawn, friend or foe.

Hello, old friend.

I've been tired, took two cups of tea

and that kept me up a couple of good hours.

I forgot how dawn feels like.

Quiet as a library and chilly as midnight.

God, it must be ages since I've properly taken a deep breath of air that reminds me to live.

My eyes are weary from the lack of rest while caffeine surges through my veins.

I am reminded of how I used to cry while trying not to miss her.

My lungs used to rattle against my rib cage like prisoners dragging cups across prison bars.

By then, it was hard to remember if I wanted to sleep or to die. 

I forgot how silence is thick with uneasiness at the sign of first light.

Everything seems to slowly wake up and somehow began with a sense of urgency.

Then, I am reminded that I am running out of time which further pushes me to try to sleep even harder.

I can hear the soft rattling of the air conditioner outside my room. 

It seems to grow increasingly louder accompanied with visual dead air.

I swear it becomes deafening as I try to fight it and divert my attention to something else.

I imagined someone stroking the top of my head, 

they were humming audibly, my favourite song, yes.

My body began to relax, sinking into the affection that my daydream has shown me.

I invited waves of peace to wash over me. 

The dulling ache in my hands stopped along with the rattling of my ribcage.

The anxiety seems to be forgiving today, it didn't tell me that I would be alone for the rest of my life like it always did.

As sleep started to overcome me, it almost felt like I heard faint breathing next to me.

I was certain that I am alone in my room but for a moment there, I silently admitted to myself that I didn't want to be.

Till then.

Yours and always, 

Tryphena 

I miss being in love

The way hands slipped around waists,

Fingers intertwining,

Hands gently placed on thighs or lower backs,

Heads placed fittingly in shoulders, 

Absentminded stroking of the body with fingers,

Sure lips planted on foreheads, temples, necks, back of the hands,cheeks, lips,

Quiet but thumping heartbeats during naps,

The "I love you's", oh, the "I love you's".

I want it all,

I want it all back.

To be loved or not.

More often we forgot how it feels like to love ourselves alone without the constant reminder that we are loved from other people. I think we often choose to co-relate our worth to being loved by others. When we lose one part, we naturally lose the other. We are not nice enough to ourselves to believe that we are someone worth loving without someone loving us. I mean, what is an artist without his or her hands?

I think most of us are just trying to be loved in the end. Whether be it in terms of power or money or people or fame. I think most of us are trying to find that feeling that makes us whole and worthy of something. I believe it's just as simple as wanting to be loved.

How to be brave.

Whenever my mum kisses me goodbye before going off in the morning, I want to tell her to take her with me. I will leave behind my life here in city and go home.

I will go back to hot dinner with my family every day. Back to my childhood best friend calling me to hang out at a place that I have went to for the last 24 years of my life. I will go back to a place where I know that the traffic light at the crossroad will take about 30 seconds before it's my turn to turn left or right. I will go back to the sea side that I grew up watching plane landings and horse races at, back to excruciatingly slow drivers on the right lane and all the lanes and food that is the epitome of home.

But I don't.

Instead, I tell her goodbye, closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

Tea and no cakes.

I have not seen him in a year. He has gotten a new hairstyle, new clothes. He has a new habit of running his hand through his hair when he's deep in thought or vulnerable. He said he has been trying to eat healthier, cut potatoes and rice. "More protein and veggies", he said to me, "It's better than not having anything to focus on."

We talked and laughed and enjoyed silence breaks in between tea sipping. Conversations filled to the brim with "I feel the same way too!", "How about you?", "I am really trying to be better," and "I need to hang out with you more often now that I'm back." I learn that he is really good with abs exercises now, likes the color green now and knows what he might do in the next 5 years career-wise. I have missed him. The last time I saw him, he was crying on his bathroom floor, paralyzed with pain. I have never seen or heard a heart break before. There was nothing I could do. How do you save someone who just lost his entire world?

Flash forward, there he sat. His world was rebuild, or at least that was what he is trying to tell me. We talked about everything but that night. I still didn't know why he disappeared, why he wanted to be alone. My questions were at the tip of my tongue. Anxiety had built up at the bottom of my stomach and has transformed into butterflies that might blurt out any seco-

"Why did you disappear?"

His eyes immediately clouded with disconcert, guilt and apologies. He lowered his gaze and knitted his eyebrows together. He continued to open and close his mouth with nothing coming out. He ran his hand through his hair, still looking down while clasping his hands together, left thumb on top. Of all the years I have known him, I know that when he clasped his hands together, he is in pain. My eyes flicker from the frown on his face to the left thumb that has now started to rub on his right thumb. I immediately regretted my question.

"I was in pain. I didn't know what else I could do..." He swallowed with his eyes fixated on the left thumb that never stopped rubbing his other thumb. "I know I shouldn't have done that but I don't know if I could still ask for your help anymore. It was beyond what you could give me. I had to go away..."

I took a huge gulp of water and blinked at him, confused. "You could have told me. You could have asked me to do something. I would anything for you." He still has not looked at me. His left thumb, still rubbing his right thumb. His lips, still a tight line.

Finally, he looked at me. I could see the pain reflecting in his eyes, his neck tensed while he was trying to keep himself together. Why did I bring this up and push him back to where he was trying so hard to get away from? "I still miss her. I still love her. I had to go away to know how to stop loving her." He swallowed again as if trying to gain what little bit of composure he had left. "I didn't leave because I didn't have believe that you will be there for me. I left because it was too painful to stay... I didn't know what else to do." He brought his hands to his chest and squeezed while taking a deep breath. The rubbing of his right thumb has slowed down but he still hasn't unclasped his hands.

The waiter came by to refill out drinks during the lull of our conversation. I had a feeling that I will be annoyed with her if she asked if everything was okay. Fortunately, guessing that she sensed the tension that was present within the radius of our table and she left quickly without a word. I was evidently still upset with him but he had good reason, personal reasons. I couldn't blame him for something that he had to do.

"What would you do if you had one wish?" I asked.

He chuckled weakly and his left thumb started playing with his right thumb nail. "Her," he said softly. "I want nothing else, no one else but her." I saw a small sad smile playing around the edges of his mouth, as if he was remembering something. He continued, "I still remember how I looked at her. I still remember how it felt like to kiss her. It felt like all the stars colliding into a bright meteor shower and the entire world disappearing. It felt like what forever should be like. It felt like everything that I wanted in every lifetime. It felt like she loved me too."

Sensations that I miss.

1. Holding a pencil and feeling it glide across good 70gsm paper.
2. Fingers interlacing together.
3. The warmth that you feel when something good happens.
4. Hands that don't belong to you running through your hair
5. The warmth you get after swallowing warm tea in a cold place
6. Hands moving in water
7. My body just floating in water and feeling like I'm floating in nothing.
8. Cold air gently blowing in my face
9. Warm hands on the side of my face, stroking my cheek
10. The relief that you should feel when you sigh
11. Peace

25 things I learn/am reminded of in March of 2017

1. March is not a good month for me.
2. A black hole in your chest can still hurt even though it's empty.
3. Love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.
4. The people you love will hurt you, especially when you don't expect them to.
5. The people that love us the most in the world, are the hardest for us to hear.
6. The lucky ones are the ones who are loved exactly the way they wanted.
7. I am allowed to still love you with so much and still walk away.
8. Under no circumstance should you ever lose your temper with the ones who love you.
9. Words of comfort from the ones who love you are never intended to harm you.
10. Always run to those who love you.
11. Your circumstances in life are not an excuse for your behavior.
12. Wisdom does not come with age.
13. Understanding comes with a level of respect.
14. It's okay to leave when people push you away.
15. Under no circumstance should you ever say something because it will help you in that moment and only in that moment.
16. Feeling hurt when paired together with acceptance of loss brings a comfortable amount of peace.
17. You are allowed to blame yourself for things. Just don't believe it.
18. Always communicate what you want and what you need from someone. Do that even when they are not listening, at least you can say you did your part.
19.The words "best friends" are cursed for me.
20. Life is too short for being "too little".
21. Love even when love has let you down because it is the people that you love that disappoints you, not love.
22. There is strength in continuing to love even when you are broken and gasping.
23. Not everyone wants your love, it's okay, you can give it to someone else who wants it.
24. It is okay to mourn for people who left. They were important.
25. Always fight for what and who you love. Don't let your regrets be losing them because you were too scared to fight. Fight.

It's a rant that I can't rant to you about but it's eating me alive and cutting doesn't help.

I know you haven't read my messages.
It's been..
Eight.. Nine.. Ten..
Fourteen hours.
I know you're doing this on purpose because you're mad at me.
I have reread the message that I sent you days before,
wondering if there was anything I could have added or changed
or not sent.

I don't apologize for feeling the way I felt.
I am disappointed and hurt that
the patience and understanding that you so often used on her, her,
other people who didn't deserve,
couldn't be extended to me.
Guess I am not important enough.
Or perhaps, I was supposed to be the understanding one
and you didn't realize I need to be understood too.
I have given you almost everything that you have asked from me.
I promise you I did my best.
I am sorry if you didn't think it was enough.
I am sorry if you think I was taking up your time on purpose.
However, I still stand by my ground,
I was not in the wrong and
you as my friend should at least understand where I am coming from.
I have been understanding enough about everything to at least deserve that.

I know that you may want your space now
and you may never read this so I can write whatever the fuck I want.
When you call someone your best friend,
you are going to expect something from them.
There is a reason why we are best friends.
There is a trust and faith that made this friendship strong.
The phrase "I don't expect anything from people when they want me to listen",
bullshit.
It applies to strangers and acquaintances that you don't care for.
Even if they phrase applied to us,
again, haven't I understood enough and been patient enough for you to
at least try to see from my point of view?
I don't like this pit in my stomach.
I don't like how this hollowness is trying to claw its way out from my chest.
I have already etched and carved reminders on myself so that I don't feel this pain.

As much as I understand,
I cannot ignore what I feel.
If you are allowed to have three days to a week to deal with life,
I am allowed 20 minutes to compose how I feel.
I have explained that I feel things immensely.
My stories and my poems are a proof of that.
I explained that I need time to be that understanding friend again.
I cannot put reasons above my emotions if these are strong emotions,
again, I have explained it very clearly.
If it was your girlfriend who wrote what I wrote,
you would have read it fifteen times to make sure you don't misunderstand me.
You cannot deny that.
The people you are currently meeting and seeing every day,
have a higher priority than I will ever do.
This is a fact.
I know you don't want to admit it but the fact that
her sulking the entire night earned nothing from you.
When I want to be understood AFTER YOU ASKED,
I am at fault for not understanding that you didn't have time.
Was I asking for a house, for a returned love, for you to choose me,
for you to go on a trip with me?
No, I am merely asking for the acknowledgement that you understood.
I am asking for the basic reason for a friend.
I am asking for something that is free and freely given.

I have put aside every reason for anyone would visit their friend because I understand.
I have consistently reassured you that it is fine if you are busy.
I have consistently told you "WHEN YOU ARE FREE".
Please, I mean, please understand that what I want isn't so hard.
I want to get to know you as a person and construct my idea of you
with this.. physicalness of your life.
Please understand my patience is being pushed to the limit,
especially when she is doing that and you're letting her and I can't say anything about it.
I have very specific buttons and very high tolerance for a lot of things.
I mean, it is not easy to make me shut myself down to readjust myself.
But that happened.
As my friend, please try to understand that.
I am hurt, I am so hurt and again, if it hurts me, it is significant.

I know you have made up your mind about me on this.
There is nothing else I can say to change your mind because
if you didn't read my message,
it'll be like I never said anything.
I can't fume for so long because it hurts.
I know that you didn't see this trip as a very big deal
but it was important to me.
I don't know how many more times I get to see you.
I intend to treasure every single one of the trips
because I really love you.
Your friends and her and everyone else get to see you.
I have to plan my trips months ahead just to see you for less than 3 days
and talk to you one of one for less than half an hour,
all three days added together, half an hour.
Please understand kay.
It was so important to me.
I don't need you to change anything, I just want you to understand
You're the Chloe to my Max,
I'd go through timelines after timelines to save your flat ass.

I know you won't read this.
So, again, I can say what I want.
I know you're mad. Still mad.
I'm done being mad or being upset about this,
it kills me to be hurt.
I looked at our pictures together,
it was really nice.
We looked so happy and I was a happy pau.
I already miss that.
I don't know what will or will not change after this
but if that was the last time I ever get to see you,
it's fine then.
At least I get to give you a happy goodbye before this stupid fight broke out.

I know I am not enough a lot of times.
I know I am nothing without my understanding.
I know that without my understanding,
you wouldn't be friends with me.
I know I am not in any ranks of your priorities.
I am aware of these things.
I won't ask you to change anything of these or convince me otherwise.
I have seen where I stand and nothing you say can prove otherwise.
I still love you a lot.
People have always left.
This time, I just won't beg for you to stay.
I am tired of crying and picking myself off the floor.
If you don't need me or want me around anymore, I hope you found a better replacement,
I really have nothing else I can give you.
However, if you need me once in a while, I will always leave a light on and the door unlocked for you.

The aftermath of you're done feeling wanted.

I forgot how numbed pain makes you feel like
you're imploding on yourself.
The feeling is equivalent to an Eiffel Tower of cards,
collapsing in a few seconds
after hours and hours of hard work.
You get cold to your bones,
you grow weary as the day drags on and
you want to sleep, dream, sleep, hoping
you wouldn't wake up.

I tried vocalize how I felt.
Then, I realize no amount of effort could properly explain
that I just want to be held until I stop becoming a black hole.
I cannot expect the ones who claim to love me to
listen to a rant that does not have a conclusion.
They have lives, money to earn, bellies to fill -
lives, to live.
What makes me think that I have anything important enough
that takes priority over all those?
How selfish am I to ask them to listen to me over this?

However,
I forgot how deafening silence can be especially when you hear it
over the sound of yourself collapsing inside.
I forgot how pain silently hums all over your body in the midst of silence.
The sky is still the sky even when you're in pain,
somehow I'm still pretending not to be surprised by it.

On nights alone

It's been days since I was able to feel my world return to normal speed. My mind has been hazy from lack of sleep. My body finally aches for the comfort of my bed. Finally, sleep is for the weary. I am the weary. I am the weary of many days, many sleepless night. I get to sleep.

However, with the lack of sleep, comes the weakening of mental walls. My chest begins to ache for the warmth of being loved. I used to curl up with her. I would feel her head tucked safely on the nook of my chest as her arm wrapped around my waist. She always felt so small, even more so when we are like this: My hand tangled in the hair on back of her head. Lips on top of her forehead and my nose resting just on her frontal, inhaling her scent in her hair. My favorite was her hand gently stroking the small of my back and just us breathing, existing at the same time in that very moment.

Now, all I feel is the ghost of being loved. A ghost that continues to haunt me on nights when I can't defend myself. Sometimes, I felt her arms wrap around me as I slept. It was such a good dream. There was peace, peace that I have long forgotten and have not found since she left. I still remember the way her fingers interlaced with mine and the kisses she planted on my back. You don't just forget about the way you were loved, especially when it was physically here and alive and incredibly overwhelming. You don't just forget, you can't.

Now I ache to have warm arms around me, light kisses planted on my forehead and have my body relax into someone else's. I want my fingers interlocking with someone else's. I want their scent on my pillow, my shirts, me. I want to wake up in their arms, to them planting kisses on my collarbone, them tracing the bridge of my nose gently with the tip of their finger. I want to be able to sigh in relief, in peace, in joy, not in pain.

I just don't want to be alone right now but I don't really have a choice in that.