If I choose sleep over you, you are special.

The above statement is true.

Emery whatsapped me around 1-ish in the morning today. I was almost asleep when my phone rang. I thought it was a dream, turns out she needed me for that little while so I stayed awake. Till she said good night.

2.09am, the same day, my phone rang again. I got so annoyed because I keep thinking it was a dream and it's not. I mean, I remember reading the texts but turns out I was dreaming. I was like, "Who the fuck!?"

So, I got up, crawled to the other side of my bed, took my phone, look at it while squinting. Guess who's name showed up on whatsapp.

"Message from Francine's Spain Number"

We fell out, sorta. When she's pissed off at me, she'll always end up screaming at me and she'll always tell me that she wants her space or I don't want to snap at you or something like that. You know how some people are.

And I didn't expect her to talk to me till like after a week or longer.

I tried talking to her the day before yesterday. It was just painful and I couldn't do that to myself. And I'm tired of arguing and being upset. So, I told myself that she can have all the time that she needs 'cause I'm not gonna bother contacting.

2.09am, she whatsapped and it looked urgent.

Note, I have work tomorrow. It's 2.09am in the morning and I already got woken up at 1am. And I am already a little mad at her for my own reasons. And it's 2.09am,which I am sure that anyone would be cranky around this time.

So, I asked what happened despite urgent demands for me to make promises. I was sleepy and you either tell me what's going on now or I will go back to sleep after sending 124342587443983 messages asking what happened.

And guess what time I stayed awake till..

4.23am

Fell asleep, woke up at 5.32am to sent another message. And died on my bed. Woke up again at 7am to reply her and died again and woke up in another hour to go to work.

So yeah, if you are important to me, time is really not an issue when you need me. I'll stay awake for you.

I am sure she's aware of that.

Losing our pride

I am a proud person. I have an ego and I know it. I take pride in what I do even if no one understands it. I know how to crush people and I know the right words to do it. I have the pride to be heartless and I have the pride to say that I don't care.

So what happens if it's someone that you don't wanna lose? That changes everything, doesn't it?

You know exactly how to crush them, you know where to hit and where to stab. You have all the strongest weapon and you know for a fact that you can break them into bits and pieces but you don't.

Why?

We can't afford to lose them forever because of our pride.

And that's why.

Dynamics.

My best friend is a dynamic person. Dynamic is like the perfect word to describe her. I, on the other hand, am resistant to change and I like small plans changes but not big ass life-changing plans changes. We are different in that way. We have our own reasons why we are the way we are and we don't judge each other on that.

Anyway..

I have never fought  with someone so many times in a year. It was always nothing big but it still mattered a lot to me, every single disagreement. I don't know about her and I don't want think about that.

I love her. I need her and I always want her in my life but now, we just need some space.

I'd like to keep everything at that.

For my sake.

Quoted from Miss Dianne

"Sincerity in a person's speech is seen through the person's actions. When our actions don't match our speech, people smell insincerity and we lose their respect."

- Reading about it is a good reminder because sometimes we get too caught up with everything that we forget what's the importance of actions.

It's Time - Imagine Dragons

Just thought I'd share this song with whoever that's reading this.

I'm not gonna tell you how much I love this song. 

Instead, I'll tell you why.

You know how some songs just makes you feel empowered in a good way, 

like you can do anything in this world?

This song to reminds me to keep standing up no matter what.

I heard this song from my best friend but I didn't really listen to it.

Then, I heard it again in the trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower,

which looks like an amazing movie by the way. 

I read the book already and I love it.

I'm about to go off to university in a few months *deep breaths*

It's weird to actually see how fast we grow up.

The movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower is about students growing up 

and going through all sorts of pain.

Of course, it includes graduation and university.

The chorus of the song

"It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit

I was the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am."

For me, yeah, it IS time to begin

and no matter how much I've changed,

I am still exactly who I'm supposed to be and nothing's gonna change that.

To be curt, 

this song reminds me to be who I am no matter how different things are.

I am titanuim.

I am sitting in front of my work desk. And I am trying not to cry.

I know too much, I've heard too much and I've seen enough.

I don't know how to be strong for so many people. I feel myself cracking because of my own problems. I am trying my best to deal with everything but I can't.

I can't cry because I just can't.

I wish you were here. I need you to tell me if everything is going to be okay when it is not. I don't care if you're lying. I just want you here.

Guess it's never too late to say that I really love you and I mean it with every fiber of my body.

Hormonal.

You know that feeling that you can't describe? The kind that is swallowing you whole and you feel eaten away?

The kind that makes you want to cry but you refuse to? The kind that makes you wanna scream out loud to the skies and just simply.. cry..?

And then, for that moment, you just want someone to hold you tight and not let go.

You just want to sit there and cry.

And then, the worst thing is you scrolled down your phone contacts and there's no one to call. They are all either away or just not someone you want to cry to.

Paradox.

Have you ever loved someone so much that when you think of them, all you can do is close your eyes and smile?

Do you ever feel breathless every time you see them even though you have seen them for over a thousand times already?

When you do see them, you can't help but to stare like you've never seen them before, right?

Now imagine. Their arms are around you and yours around them, you hold them tight, not ever wanting to let go and just wanting time to freeze in this moment. You close your eyes, inhale and smile while you pull them into a tighter embrace. Another perfect moment, right?

Have you ever felt your heart stop when they smile and along with that, everything around you just sorta stops and whizzes past in slow motion?

And when you're with them, nothing else matters, nothing except them. You remember everything about them. The way they laugh, the way they look at you and what it meant, everything. Every little thing like when they drop something, you know what to do or say. Every smile, every frown, you know with one look.

"Every time I look into your eyes, I feel like I can stare at them for a lifetime." - Shakira

When you look at them, the first thing you look at is their eyes, without a doubt. You feel their gaze on you, warm and gentle. You look up and your eyes locked. Their eyes are soft, radiating of curiosity and humor as you see a half-smile creep across their face. The color of their eyes never cease to amaze you as you think that it might be the most beautiful thing that you've seen ever. You swear to yourself that you will not blink until they look away. This is a moment, one perfect moment to remind yourself that you love them.

And then you smile back.

Short stories. Yeah, I'm gonna write :)

Well, I have always like writing. I don't have a habit of using big, impressive words.

Not that I don't want to but back in high school, due to the English standard of the school, big and outrageous words were not taught as frequently even though there is a new set of vocabulary every week. To me, it's just a revision of the words that I already knew.

So, basically, I have limited impressive words to use.

My English teachers thought that my strong points in writing is my ability to communicate with the audience. Like the readers are able to feel and imagine what my characters are feeling, seeing and experience.

That's a good thing, I guess.

I haven't written stories in a while. Blog posts are like diary entries to me, so I don't think it counts as writing. The last time I wrote a story was during SPM and that was my best story ever. I will never stop being proud of it.

Writing keeps me sane. I was the most depressed person that I've ever met looking back. One of my best friends said that I rarely smile at things. There were not a lot of things that kept me happy. I laughed but I was never happy. I was literally depressed and cynical. I knew it was bad but I didn't know how bad it was until she told me. It's rather hard to believe actually because I am surprisingly different now.

Like I've said, I rarely display emotion back then but I was expressive when I write. I guess writing helped me with what I refuse to let myself feel. Like happiness, sadness and all that. I don't cry last time. I don't feel. but then again, I think I felt too much of everything that my brain just shut down and wouldn't function anymore. I think I was numb because everything else hurt so much.

Writing is like channeling to me then. It's like transferring all that I feel on to paper. Even forbidden feelings that somehow doesn't feel wrong if written from another character's perspective.

I have Francine who listens and never judges no matter what. I can say what I think, sometimes even without filter. Since she's MIA for a while, things and feelings do pile up even though I am grateful that I still have Tim and Clement around to help me destress.

To summarize it all, I refuse to let myself sink back into that deep hole that I somehow unknowingly fell in. So, I'm gonna write because it saved my life and now it might just the only outlet I have left.

I might post it here or in my other blog. I don't know.

We'll see how it goes :)

Good day everyone.
LAIKE A SIRRRRR!

heh :)