pen & paper

I am thirty years old

I am surrounded by pen and paper 

collected by the 17-year-old that had so much to say,

so much to echo to the world

I am now thirty and silenced by hands

that used to hold my hand because now,

they are choking my neck, 

daring me to say another word

I used to view the world in paragraphs, now

the world is a circulation of disrupted sentences, 

half-finished thoughts and half-eaten lunch conversations

in trains that cannot wait to get to the stop and the next stop and the next stop

So, I am thirty years old

I am surrounded by pen and paper 

that are colorful, eager and ready to be filled with stories

stories that no one will ever ready but me

Sometimes we need to write bad poems 

sometimes we need to write bad stories

maybe 17 year old me had it right

maybe these pen and paper is for thirty year old me afterall

Update as a 30 year old.

Turns out I made this space a space for poetry and my somberness, a place where my feelings come to die. I only left clues and riddles as what I am up to and sometimes I can't even remember what has gone on in my real life because I refuse to talk about it.

I cannot tell if this is because I refuse to talk about it or it's because I have a human outlet - Athena. It's much more difficult to feel loved when they are far away. Thank god for faith because without it, I would not be able to feel like I am capable of being loved the way that I am loved.

I still love to be here to write about my feelings and why I feel that way. I just needed practice to be as transparent as possible because I don't seem to have the space to be allowed to express my true thoughts on things anymore because when you turn 30, there are consequences and fallout that is really not worth honesty. 

So, I will just be on here to feel 17 again because I started this blog when I was feeling scared and there was nothing and no one else to allow me to talk the way I can talk here. Here, I learn how to capitalize my name and "I" because I remember reading somewhere that criticized people for capitalizing themselves because how dare they value themselves and it was arrogant. Here I learn that my own thoughts were valuable and it shaped my values and my sense of self. There is no place safer than the space you create for yourself. 

I feel honored to still have this space and to have entries from my teenage years right straight into all the challenges I have had throughout adulthood like breakups and jobs. I might want to maintain it a little bit more because this beats writing with my own hands even thought I do feel like these two outlets serve different purposes even if I have no idea what they are yet.

Things I know to be true:

1. I am much more comfortable with the unknown, much more comfortable being in the passenger seat and taking it as it comes by.

2. I turn out fine when people leave. I am able to create a life without them, a routine where they are not a part of,  an episode in the same season where the recurring character is suddenly gone. 

3. I do not beg for people to stay anymore. I will reach a point where I decide their chance for any reconciliation is over. 

4. My heart is getting tired from all these loving and betrayals. The locks seem to be getting more complicated with each break-in. 

5. I still love the same favorite food as I did a decade ago. I seem to hold on to these things a little tighter than I did last time. 

6. I look for routine and the mundane now. Everything that has happened in the past 365 days has ruined the word "excitement" for me and I just want to be left alone now.

7. While I remain a proud pessimist, I am open to the idea of "the best case scenario" and stopped looking for things to go wrong if it is not a life and death situation.

8. I still want a drum set badly. Except now, I am no longer sure if I will make time to play it because I no longer has the time or at least the space to not be interrupted.

9. I just want to be held by Athena and fall asleep.

10. I just want a period of time where I am allowed to just cry and cry about my feelings becasue I feel oh so exhasuted. 

Dreamer

I never fit the label of a dreamer

Never saw clouds as equals

and birds as neighbours

I see myself reading on a porch

in weather where leaves fall gently

and sunlight feel like a soft caress on the cheek

The rain soothes me with it pitter-patter on all surfaces

I clipped off my wings long before

the storms decided to make me one of them

The storms, they do not scare me.

I need not be greater than them

I am not one of those who want to rise above the clouds

I do not need to be in the sky to see that it's beautiful

I can see it from where I am

I am seated on carpets of moss, juice in hand and book in another

I can see the sky from here

It is pink and orange

I never fit the label of a dreamer but

if I ever dare to dream again,

this would be my dream.