Starting over

I remember writing about not wanting to feel any sort of emotion.
I remember that being the reason why I don't write anymore.
That reluctance to feel raw emotion stopped me from creating
stories because strong emotions were my muse.
In hindsight, I have muted myself by suppressing the weight of every emotion I have felt.
There were stories in my head as emotions arise.
I still remember telling myself that these would be good stories.
To my current dismay,
I don't recall any of them.
It should be time to give myself that allowance to feel again.
I leaned on writing for a reason and I knew I would want to read all of these someday.

I know it's not too late to continue writing
because I did write the important feelings on here.
It's okay if I didn't write daily.
I need to rededicate writing to myself again.
Without writing,
I'd probably have lost my mind and implode.

Honestly,
if anyone were to ever read this blog,
they would know almost everything about me.
This blog has my thoughts that I have not shared with anyone,
or thoughts that were shared to people who no longer want to be a part of my life.
It has my desires, pain, wants and hopes.
It also contains my darkest thoughts on death, my own death and my desperate attempts to keep myself alive.

I think internally, I enjoy being that 16 year old that talks to their diary.
At least, I have somewhere to go.
This blog comforts me.
It has for the last decade.
I intend to keep this blog up and running for me.
Who know what will happen.
If I ever publish a short story book,
some will definitely be from here.
I know I have dedicated a lot of words to other people
but I know they will never read it.
So, it's okay, I still wrote it for me.