Starting over

I remember writing about not wanting to feel any sort of emotion.
I remember that being the reason why I don't write anymore.
That reluctance to feel raw emotion stopped me from creating
stories because strong emotions were my muse.
In hindsight, I have muted myself by suppressing the weight of every emotion I have felt.
There were stories in my head as emotions arise.
I still remember telling myself that these would be good stories.
To my current dismay,
I don't recall any of them.
It should be time to give myself that allowance to feel again.
I leaned on writing for a reason and I knew I would want to read all of these someday.

I know it's not too late to continue writing
because I did write the important feelings on here.
It's okay if I didn't write daily.
I need to rededicate writing to myself again.
Without writing,
I'd probably have lost my mind and implode.

Honestly,
if anyone were to ever read this blog,
they would know almost everything about me.
This blog has my thoughts that I have not shared with anyone,
or thoughts that were shared to people who no longer want to be a part of my life.
It has my desires, pain, wants and hopes.
It also contains my darkest thoughts on death, my own death and my desperate attempts to keep myself alive.

I think internally, I enjoy being that 16 year old that talks to their diary.
At least, I have somewhere to go.
This blog comforts me.
It has for the last decade.
I intend to keep this blog up and running for me.
Who know what will happen.
If I ever publish a short story book,
some will definitely be from here.
I know I have dedicated a lot of words to other people
but I know they will never read it.
So, it's okay, I still wrote it for me.

3 days after turning 26.

I took a little time off to be busy, to "reclaim myself". I'd like to think that I did it well. I have made a few changes in my life and I would also like to think that it was changes that I needed and an attempt to make myself feel save again. To top it off, I believe it gave me great confidence and made me even more determined to be who I am and not feel that pressure to change it.

1. I moved. I love my room now. I have always enjoyed the idea of compartmentalizing areas of my room to specific needs that I have. For example, I have always wanted a big study table and basically make it my own space to do work and play games on. Now I have it. Kao Kao gave it to me for free because his office was throwing it away. This is an executive table with another smaller side table on it. Basically everything I have ever wanted as a kid. I have only started cleaning up my table because I finally have time and I am also procrastinating.

2. I started bullet-journaling. I am not great with design and templates and all that but I found great joy in lists, diagrams and charts to process all the information that I currently have in my life. It is a very new way for me to record down my life and frankly I don't know if I would be keeping up with it or not. I am enjoying it so far but the only thing is that I don't really have time? I will try to make time. I have a bad habit of just lying in bed and not doing anything. Now that I am sitting here in front of my computer, I am very productive. I really just enjoy having a computer.

3. I have a computer now. I basically looked up the specs I want and researched and scouted for everything with the help and opinions of other people. It was definitely something exciting that happened in October because I made this decision on the spot and got the PC in a week. So it was just a week of intense research and ordering and BAM, computer! Still very proud of myself. I don't remember too much of my specs because I didn't really understand everything since I only researched for what I wanted only. Still very proud of myself. I didn't think I will ever understand it and buy my own PC but I did it! I think it's something impressive for me to keep celebrating.

4. I became very private. Even more private than before. I made this choice because I didn't see a point to keep entertaining my need to be heard? After the whole thing, I fought very hard with myself to really understand "People will not listen if they are not ready to listen. It is irregardless of your feelings most of the time" and "You can love someone but sometimes it will not make a difference". I think it was a very huge lesson. I think it was a lesson that I was always trying to learn. Now that I have learn it. It has made a huge difference. It allowed me to be selfish if I need to be. With that, I am very private with what I share because I now get it when people say "Not everyone you share things with, cares about you". Basically no one knows anything about me unless I tell you. I think mainly it's cause I got the idea from Sonia. She is quite private but I see the power in that decision.

5. I tried FD. I put a small amount of money in it to try and basically to see if it will really stop me from taking the money out and using it. It works so I will continue to keep that amount in the bank. I don't really care about the interest really, I just want somewhere that I can put my money in and not allow it to be taken out.

6. I started to get part time video editing gigs. I really need to work on it. Been procrastinating the whole day. I'll edit first and write when I am done.

1/1/19

I started going to the gym 3 months ago.
I tried to reclaim what little of myself that I had left.