Resolutions are popular during the last day of the year.

2012 Resolutions

1. Tear down my walls and start letting people in.
2. Stop doubting and start believing.
3. Stop fighting the positive feelings and accept that these are all real and mine to keep.
4. Give guys a chance and stop hating them. Not all guys are donkeys.
5. Lose a minimum of 5kg. HAHAHAHA let's see if that happens.
6. Study. Really. Hard.
7. Stop what I have been doing for the past 4 years.
8. Drive safer. My sincere apologies to Francine, Timothy, Nicholas, Foo and Andrew for putting your lives into danger.
9. Remove those who tear me down and those who left me from my life. I'm better off without you.
10. Be a better daughter. Parents don't live forever.
11. Be a better friend. I have been told that I am a really good friend but I will do better.
12. Laugh and smile more.
13. Look for and hold on to every reason to keep going and to live.
14. Be a better person.
15. Learn to control my anger. I am told that I am an angry person and I do not think it has much to do with my temper though.
15. Learn to tolerate.
16. Remember that people actually stay in your life. They are here and yours. I love you guys.
17. If the world doesn't end, I will watch the movie "2012".

Hold on. What's the rush? Breathe, it'll be alright.

Gravity.

be happy and Live

You get hurt and you learn to not care even though you know that is a promise that you can never keep.

I'm sorry.

 Please don't go

  don't leave

stay.

This never ends. No, I don't expect you to understand this.

I hate that feeling when you randomly feel depressed. There is no warning, no apparent reason. It just happens. You feel empty, and you feel hopeless. And you just feel tired. As if you never want to move again. Then when someone asks you what's wrong, you can't say because there is nothing that comes to mind. You know that feeling? Yeah, it sucks.

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always with you?

These words are my heart and soul.

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find (what you will find)

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go (I want you to know)
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, as I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

\

I can't hold on to what was never rightfully mine.
I can't keep what was never mine to keep.
I can't make those who are running away, stop and stay.
But I won't let go, even odds are so.

I will always find a way, a reason to make you stay.

I haven't been blogging for so long. Guess I had a lot to deal with and I couldn't get on the laptop. Typing on the phone is harder because you can't really see what you are typing, that's why sometimes I only type a line in the title box.

So, I have been an idiot for the past 3 months. I was trying to hold on to people that was or I think was, slipping away. I managed to convince myself that both of them will stay, at least for a little while. I fought to keep myself together and try to make everything work, either if it's in another country or here. I lost enough, at least that's what I think. In the end, life is still the teacher, it will stop when it is indeed enough.

I lost him a month later.

I learn to live without him. I told myself, if he was able to live without me, if I was able to live without him for the last one and half years, I would be able to do the same now. I'm okay but after loving someone for so long, letting go is hard. I still miss him. In fact, I miss everything about him. He was the only guy that I fell so hard for. Now it's all gone.

Among all of these, I hurt the people those who are important in my life. Everything that they feel came out after two and a half months. It was in them for so long that I do not even understand how did they do it.

Life is right, I do not deserve them. I don't deserve to have them care, to have them as someone I call mine. Losing him should be a sign. It's like telling me that I can't have anyone staying long in my life, wanting them to stay is like fighting against fate, against change. Why is it that every time when I feel content with where I am, everything has to mess up and change in another direction, leaving me helpless and trying to just catch up and not be left behind? Is it a must, a law made for me that I must lose someone, something every year? Is it too much to say that I want to stay happy a little longer? Is it too much to ask for things to be the way they are, at least for a year? This is all I have, I have nothing else. If I don't fight to keep all of these, I'll lose them.

\

Please don't take away what is mine, this is all I have left.

You give up hoping and praying when you know everything is over.

Learn to fly, breathe and leap.

You learn to breathe.
You learn to smile.
You learn to laugh.
You learn to act.
You learn to be strong.

\

Everything, you will learn when you're trying so hard not to break down, not to cry, not to fall.

You learn to be happy for them.
You learn to live without them.
You learn to stop thinking about them.
You learn to be brave and be okay.
You learn to smile and be free.

\

they are not your everything. You wake up one day in the morning, realizing that you can live without them. They moved on and now you know you can too.

Yeah, I'm ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I'm ready to love again

Thank you for telling me where I stand. It hurts but at least now I know.

I'm here as long as you need me, as long as you still want me here.

I pray everyday, waiting for this feeling to go away.

No matter how long, how much I pray,
I still wake up feeling as dead, empty.
I am alive but I know I'm already dead inside.
I wish this can end, so that it can stop this pain.

Lord, you seem so far away
A million miles or more, it feels today.

It's like I can't see you anymore, God, are you there? Can you hear me? Why is it that I am always left to feel like I have nothing else left? Why? God, can you hear me? Answer me.

And though I haven't lost my faith,
I must confess right now, that it's hard for me to pray.

Lord, I don't know what to say,
And i don't know where to start.
But as you give me grace, you'll always be in my heart.

Lord, I still believe in you. I believe the miracles and I believe that you died for me. Is that enough for me to ask for joy? Is it too much for me to just want to smile without faking it? Why do I feel like I'm going through this alone? I used to talk to you. Now, no words can describe everything that I want to say. I would open my mouth to talk to you but nothing came out. I could only sing, knowing you can hear me while letting my tears fall in the shower.

Lord, are you there? How can you hear my cries and not rescue me? How can you see my tears and leave me here to suffer?

I will sing, I will praise.
Even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain.

I know I have nothing left to offer to you. I would give you all of my heart but it's not really whole or perfect. I would I would give you my everything but I really don't have anything. I know you love me and you want me to learn from life but what I'm living now is not a life. It's a darkness that has no light. Somewhere, where I can be nothing, invisible, is all i ask for. Is it too much?

\

Lord, if you love me, you would let me die or at least take away my heart.

Like vinegar on a wound is one who sing songs to a heavy heart.

Sometimes you wait for this feeling to go away.
Sometimes it does,
Sometimes it doesn't.
You hope that this is just a dream,
A horrible one so to speak
But you know deep inside,
What is real and what is not.

Sometimes praying helps but
Sometimes it doesn't.
You end up being stuck in this black abyss that never ends,
Wishing so hard, hoping your life will end.
But you never get what you want, not really.

You lie on the floor,
Yes, it's cold and it somehow feels like your soul.
It's kinda hard to stop what you feel
Because it's not by choice
So it will never be gone, ever.
Lying there has never felt so empty.
It's like sinking in a whirlpool, but
You're just not dying.

This darkness can only pull me down so much
Some other times, I would just let myself fall
Into everything, into nothing.
Closing your eyes doesn't stop the spinning,
It makes fall you faster, deeper into nothingness.

\

Wake up in the morning with your heart racing, everything begins again.

At least you didn't kill me this time.