Things that I know to be true:

1. I cannot play games from the first person's point of view for long periods of time because it gives me vertigo and makes me puke.
2. I write better when I am in pain.
3. I don't like being in pain.
4. I am good at putting abstract ideas and thoughts into visual metaphors.
5. I am a better version of myself when I am with someone.
6. My level of compassion is entirely proportional to my level of feeling loved.
7. It's been 10 years.
8. I am good with words when my emotions are not in the way.
9. The idea that my future has no boundaries and I can literally be anywhere now is terrifyingly overwhelming.
10. I am utterly obsessed with the possibility that I will end up in North America.
11. I have a love for cooking. It is one of the three things that gives me peace.
12. Do not run back to the ones who broke you. Don't even check up on them. Stop.
13. I embrace change now. I am that person that supports it and will go for it while whining how inconvenient it is.
14. I might be overcompensating for the belief that I will die alone with my career ambitions. If I'm gonna die alone, might as well be something for myself first.
15. I am terrified that I will really be alone for the rest of my life.
16. When the future terrifies me, the only solution that my brain can conjure up is to kill myself because by doing that, I avoided facing the future.

Now leave your voicemail after the beep.

"Hello,
I'm sorry I didn't come to the phone.
My chest feels like a thousand storms,
they are raging with hurricanes that go on for stories,
they had sunk every bit of peace and rest that voyaged from a good day.
A whirlpool in the middle had sucked in the overboarded sailors, normal sleeping hours, good appetite and the remaining fairy dust that I had saved for a rainy day.
And I,
I feel like the illustrated cow that is always drawn in the middle of a cartoon hurricane.
The higher and smaller the cow is,
the higher it is on the hurricane classification category.
In short, I am the dot in this weather.

I am constantly falling but also, suspended in mid air
Also, I'm being flung in circles and circles of loneliness with depression acting as a centripetal force of this never ending hurricane of sadness.
The speed of circling for 200 km/hr feels like slow motion after days.
Then, it's like I am in water
Except that,
I am submerged in the constant dread of not living my life to the fullest.
Then, I discover that I can breathe underwater
but I can't swim.
So, in that moment,
I am stuck in the mindset of wanting to to live my life and knowing that I have all the power to do exactly that,
but what is the point?

Sometimes when I am lucky,
I end up in the eye of the storm, like now.
It allows me to get enough of my shit together to construct a poem using metaphors and fancy sailing words like "voyaged".
I have sat here for a few days now.
All I hear are waves crashing against each other and the wind howling my name.
These storms feel too angry for them to be over any time soon.
I don't have a plan yet because getting out seems to be impossible at the moment.
I can't hear myself think over the destruction.
I'll send a message in a bottle when the storms calm down."

I mean,

"Hello,
I'm sorry, my phone died."