25 things I learn/am reminded of in March of 2017

1. March is not a good month for me.
2. A black hole in your chest can still hurt even though it's empty.
3. Love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.
4. The people you love will hurt you, especially when you don't expect them to.
5. The people that love us the most in the world, are the hardest for us to hear.
6. The lucky ones are the ones who are loved exactly the way they wanted.
7. I am allowed to still love you with so much and still walk away.
8. Under no circumstance should you ever lose your temper with the ones who love you.
9. Words of comfort from the ones who love you are never intended to harm you.
10. Always run to those who love you.
11. Your circumstances in life are not an excuse for your behavior.
12. Wisdom does not come with age.
13. Understanding comes with a level of respect.
14. It's okay to leave when people push you away.
15. Under no circumstance should you ever say something because it will help you in that moment and only in that moment.
16. Feeling hurt when paired together with acceptance of loss brings a comfortable amount of peace.
17. You are allowed to blame yourself for things. Just don't believe it.
18. Always communicate what you want and what you need from someone. Do that even when they are not listening, at least you can say you did your part.
19.The words "best friends" are cursed for me.
20. Life is too short for being "too little".
21. Love even when love has let you down because it is the people that you love that disappoints you, not love.
22. There is strength in continuing to love even when you are broken and gasping.
23. Not everyone wants your love, it's okay, you can give it to someone else who wants it.
24. It is okay to mourn for people who left. They were important.
25. Always fight for what and who you love. Don't let your regrets be losing them because you were too scared to fight. Fight.

It's a rant that I can't rant to you about but it's eating me alive and cutting doesn't help.

I know you haven't read my messages.
It's been..
Eight.. Nine.. Ten..
Fourteen hours.
I know you're doing this on purpose because you're mad at me.
I have reread the message that I sent you days before,
wondering if there was anything I could have added or changed
or not sent.

I don't apologize for feeling the way I felt.
I am disappointed and hurt that
the patience and understanding that you so often used on her, her,
other people who didn't deserve,
couldn't be extended to me.
Guess I am not important enough.
Or perhaps, I was supposed to be the understanding one
and you didn't realize I need to be understood too.
I have given you almost everything that you have asked from me.
I promise you I did my best.
I am sorry if you didn't think it was enough.
I am sorry if you think I was taking up your time on purpose.
However, I still stand by my ground,
I was not in the wrong and
you as my friend should at least understand where I am coming from.
I have been understanding enough about everything to at least deserve that.

I know that you may want your space now
and you may never read this so I can write whatever the fuck I want.
When you call someone your best friend,
you are going to expect something from them.
There is a reason why we are best friends.
There is a trust and faith that made this friendship strong.
The phrase "I don't expect anything from people when they want me to listen",
bullshit.
It applies to strangers and acquaintances that you don't care for.
Even if they phrase applied to us,
again, haven't I understood enough and been patient enough for you to
at least try to see from my point of view?
I don't like this pit in my stomach.
I don't like how this hollowness is trying to claw its way out from my chest.
I have already etched and carved reminders on myself so that I don't feel this pain.

As much as I understand,
I cannot ignore what I feel.
If you are allowed to have three days to a week to deal with life,
I am allowed 20 minutes to compose how I feel.
I have explained that I feel things immensely.
My stories and my poems are a proof of that.
I explained that I need time to be that understanding friend again.
I cannot put reasons above my emotions if these are strong emotions,
again, I have explained it very clearly.
If it was your girlfriend who wrote what I wrote,
you would have read it fifteen times to make sure you don't misunderstand me.
You cannot deny that.
The people you are currently meeting and seeing every day,
have a higher priority than I will ever do.
This is a fact.
I know you don't want to admit it but the fact that
her sulking the entire night earned nothing from you.
When I want to be understood AFTER YOU ASKED,
I am at fault for not understanding that you didn't have time.
Was I asking for a house, for a returned love, for you to choose me,
for you to go on a trip with me?
No, I am merely asking for the acknowledgement that you understood.
I am asking for the basic reason for a friend.
I am asking for something that is free and freely given.

I have put aside every reason for anyone would visit their friend because I understand.
I have consistently reassured you that it is fine if you are busy.
I have consistently told you "WHEN YOU ARE FREE".
Please, I mean, please understand that what I want isn't so hard.
I want to get to know you as a person and construct my idea of you
with this.. physicalness of your life.
Please understand my patience is being pushed to the limit,
especially when she is doing that and you're letting her and I can't say anything about it.
I have very specific buttons and very high tolerance for a lot of things.
I mean, it is not easy to make me shut myself down to readjust myself.
But that happened.
As my friend, please try to understand that.
I am hurt, I am so hurt and again, if it hurts me, it is significant.

I know you have made up your mind about me on this.
There is nothing else I can say to change your mind because
if you didn't read my message,
it'll be like I never said anything.
I can't fume for so long because it hurts.
I know that you didn't see this trip as a very big deal
but it was important to me.
I don't know how many more times I get to see you.
I intend to treasure every single one of the trips
because I really love you.
Your friends and her and everyone else get to see you.
I have to plan my trips months ahead just to see you for less than 3 days
and talk to you one of one for less than half an hour,
all three days added together, half an hour.
Please understand kay.
It was so important to me.
I don't need you to change anything, I just want you to understand
You're the Chloe to my Max,
I'd go through timelines after timelines to save your flat ass.

I know you won't read this.
So, again, I can say what I want.
I know you're mad. Still mad.
I'm done being mad or being upset about this,
it kills me to be hurt.
I looked at our pictures together,
it was really nice.
We looked so happy and I was a happy pau.
I already miss that.
I don't know what will or will not change after this
but if that was the last time I ever get to see you,
it's fine then.
At least I get to give you a happy goodbye before this stupid fight broke out.

I know I am not enough a lot of times.
I know I am nothing without my understanding.
I know that without my understanding,
you wouldn't be friends with me.
I know I am not in any ranks of your priorities.
I am aware of these things.
I won't ask you to change anything of these or convince me otherwise.
I have seen where I stand and nothing you say can prove otherwise.
I still love you a lot.
People have always left.
This time, I just won't beg for you to stay.
I am tired of crying and picking myself off the floor.
If you don't need me or want me around anymore, I hope you found a better replacement,
I really have nothing else I can give you.
However, if you need me once in a while, I will always leave a light on and the door unlocked for you.