I can't help myself from looking out of the window. They say, in order to move forward with your life, you cannot look back. Then again, what happens when you are not leaving but leaving behind?
I am sitting here in the plane, waiting for the passengers to finish boarding. I reckon most of them are either going back from a sadly short vacation or going home. Most of them wear a hijab and are alone so I'm assuming they are all students and are going back for their holidays.
Taking off is slow as usual. It is as if it's giving me a chance to jump off the plane and yell "I'm not leaving!". The temptation to do so gets stronger as the plane starts to get on the take off lane.
"We're ready for take off," says the captain and my brain switches to full panic mode. "Wait, I'm staying" Obviously I was too late and all I can do is just sit here helplessly as the plane flies off full speed in to the air.
My eyes desperately tries to take in every familiar building that swishes by; My brain tries to recall where every single building is and their purposes. Secretly, I was searching frantically for my house, in hopes of catching a last glimpse of it, even though I know damn well that it's on the other side of the city.
As the plane disappears off into the clouds, sadly with me in it, I was forced to stay in my seat and just accept the fact that I am flying off. So, what happens when you're not leaving but leaving behind? They don't tell you anything about it but I'll tell you now that it's not bad to look back. After all, all your stories, your dreams, your beginning started there. It's only fair that you never ever forget that.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
First blog post as a 21 year old.
I have not written in a long time, I have good reasons for it. Well, at least I think it's good. I don't know why I am explaining since I am talking to myself here.
I was home for the holidays, still am though. I have been doing practically nothing productive because there is nothing productive of my own to be done. House work and chores are different things. I'd just procrastinate until literally 20 minutes before my mum comes home and just finish it really really quickly. It looks something like Hit Girl in the movie Kick Ass 2, after she was given the adrenaline shot.
Things have been okay, I guess. At least that's what I would say to a stranger because I don't know how to explain what I have been feeling lately. Plus, people don't ask how are you to get an answer. It's small talk, they just want an "okay" and next question. Given all the time that I spend alone in KL, I have a tendency to keep things to myself now, or to my blog. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just became more private and you will only see what I show you.
I have been 21 for about a week now. I didn't expect anything like what happened with Harry Potter when he turned 11, to happen. It was nice to not feel the difference but then again, you do feel the urgency to become more responsible, more productive, more successful and so on because I am legally an adult now. With that being said, I also understand that with me being older, it means my parents are aging too, which further stressed my responsibility as the eldest in the family, to be more of an adult.
At 21, people would have expected you to be... not lost. Unfortunately, here I am, feeling as lost as I was 3 years ago, the only difference is that I was on my own. I had a best friend 3 years ago. She's gone now and I am alone. Again, it's not bad, I haven learnt to be content on my own now but it'd be nice to have someone, yknow.
However, I would like to look at the bright side of not knowing what to do with myself:
1. I am studying in a course that I really really like, which means I am most likely to go into that in the future.
2. I still see the importance of writing in my life and I am lucky because I still have something that I love that is mine.
3. I have the possibilities of everything lying ahead of me BECAUSE I don't have a plan.
4. I know what to look for slowly from my own experiences and even so, I can just change things if I don't like them.
5. I get to be selfish first.
6. I can try anything that I want and not regret it.
That's enough of me talking about me to me. I am surprisingly enjoying this. It beats talking to people because I am not a judgmental person and it sucks when people are. They say, you are your own best friend, yeah, in a lot of ways, it's true :)
I was home for the holidays, still am though. I have been doing practically nothing productive because there is nothing productive of my own to be done. House work and chores are different things. I'd just procrastinate until literally 20 minutes before my mum comes home and just finish it really really quickly. It looks something like Hit Girl in the movie Kick Ass 2, after she was given the adrenaline shot.
Things have been okay, I guess. At least that's what I would say to a stranger because I don't know how to explain what I have been feeling lately. Plus, people don't ask how are you to get an answer. It's small talk, they just want an "okay" and next question. Given all the time that I spend alone in KL, I have a tendency to keep things to myself now, or to my blog. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just became more private and you will only see what I show you.
I have been 21 for about a week now. I didn't expect anything like what happened with Harry Potter when he turned 11, to happen. It was nice to not feel the difference but then again, you do feel the urgency to become more responsible, more productive, more successful and so on because I am legally an adult now. With that being said, I also understand that with me being older, it means my parents are aging too, which further stressed my responsibility as the eldest in the family, to be more of an adult.
At 21, people would have expected you to be... not lost. Unfortunately, here I am, feeling as lost as I was 3 years ago, the only difference is that I was on my own. I had a best friend 3 years ago. She's gone now and I am alone. Again, it's not bad, I haven learnt to be content on my own now but it'd be nice to have someone, yknow.
However, I would like to look at the bright side of not knowing what to do with myself:
1. I am studying in a course that I really really like, which means I am most likely to go into that in the future.
2. I still see the importance of writing in my life and I am lucky because I still have something that I love that is mine.
3. I have the possibilities of everything lying ahead of me BECAUSE I don't have a plan.
4. I know what to look for slowly from my own experiences and even so, I can just change things if I don't like them.
5. I get to be selfish first.
6. I can try anything that I want and not regret it.
That's enough of me talking about me to me. I am surprisingly enjoying this. It beats talking to people because I am not a judgmental person and it sucks when people are. They say, you are your own best friend, yeah, in a lot of ways, it's true :)
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Things that I found to be true after 21 years of living.
1. Eating good food everyday is not exactly a blessing, indigestion follows closely after that.
2. It should make a difference when someone loves you.
3. Good teachers may not necessarily be good people.
4. Apologizing always eases the tension after a fight.
5. You will always remember the people that you used to love. You will remember every detail of how you come to stop loving them. It will still hurt you, even if you're over it.
6. You will have dreams of killing people that pissed you off in real life, it's okay.
7. It's also okay to want a goat, an alpaca and a flying carpet.
8.You may stray a little growing up but you will go back to doing what you love. For me, it's writing and reading.
9. Growing up is shit. And very painful.
10. You will really REALLY love a person. They will eventually screw you over because that's what people do.
11. Being friends with yourself is nice, you don't really go wrong there.
12. Don't fall in love because everyone else had someone. You don't need anyone, you can survive very well on your own.
13. Make new friends, they can change and probably save your life.
14. Invest in a hobby, You're doing it for you, there's nothing wrong with that.
15. It's okay to want to punch people in the face but it's not okay if you actually do it. I'm sure you're not sorry after doing it.
16. It's okay to want to make people hurt just like how they hurt you. It will help you grieve.
17. It's okay to kiss guys and girls, as long as they don't belong to someone.
18. Writing is good for the soul, well, your soul. I don't know about other people.
19. It's okay to not love someone who loves you. If it's not there, it's not your fault.
21. It's okay to not follow the order of numbers because it's my blog, fuck you.
22. Everyone has their own stories of happiness and loss. Listen because they help you understand life more.
23. You can do so much more than you want to give yourself credit for. Don't be fucking modest, they get you nowhere.
24. You will want to change for someone, you will not want to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. It's cool, you'll come back.
25. There will be days where you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed, play Sims 3 and starve.
26. Swearing is not okay or polite but you will start swearing because everyone is swearing. You will continue swearing because you won't know how to fucking stop swearing.
27. Sadness will always be a comfort zone and you will not be able to understand it but you will get out of it, slowly.
28. There will be days where you would want someone to love you but it's still cool if you don't feel like that two hours after.
29. Loving a guy is cool, loving a girl is cool too. You're able to love, unlike Voldermort.
20. The best "day" of your life will be a collection of moments that you don't want to forget: The way someone looks at you. The way that someone smiled at you. That day when you laughed so hard that you thought you beat depression. The day where you are happy to be alive.
30. Birthdays aren't all that special. It's just how you see the birth of yourself. YOU. Not anyone else, so congratulate yourself for making it this far. I would know, my birthday was just yesterday.
2. It should make a difference when someone loves you.
3. Good teachers may not necessarily be good people.
4. Apologizing always eases the tension after a fight.
5. You will always remember the people that you used to love. You will remember every detail of how you come to stop loving them. It will still hurt you, even if you're over it.
6. You will have dreams of killing people that pissed you off in real life, it's okay.
7. It's also okay to want a goat, an alpaca and a flying carpet.
8.You may stray a little growing up but you will go back to doing what you love. For me, it's writing and reading.
9. Growing up is shit. And very painful.
10. You will really REALLY love a person. They will eventually screw you over because that's what people do.
11. Being friends with yourself is nice, you don't really go wrong there.
12. Don't fall in love because everyone else had someone. You don't need anyone, you can survive very well on your own.
13. Make new friends, they can change and probably save your life.
14. Invest in a hobby, You're doing it for you, there's nothing wrong with that.
15. It's okay to want to punch people in the face but it's not okay if you actually do it. I'm sure you're not sorry after doing it.
16. It's okay to want to make people hurt just like how they hurt you. It will help you grieve.
17. It's okay to kiss guys and girls, as long as they don't belong to someone.
18. Writing is good for the soul, well, your soul. I don't know about other people.
19. It's okay to not love someone who loves you. If it's not there, it's not your fault.
21. It's okay to not follow the order of numbers because it's my blog, fuck you.
22. Everyone has their own stories of happiness and loss. Listen because they help you understand life more.
23. You can do so much more than you want to give yourself credit for. Don't be fucking modest, they get you nowhere.
24. You will want to change for someone, you will not want to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. It's cool, you'll come back.
25. There will be days where you want to stay in bed, then stay in bed, play Sims 3 and starve.
26. Swearing is not okay or polite but you will start swearing because everyone is swearing. You will continue swearing because you won't know how to fucking stop swearing.
27. Sadness will always be a comfort zone and you will not be able to understand it but you will get out of it, slowly.
28. There will be days where you would want someone to love you but it's still cool if you don't feel like that two hours after.
29. Loving a guy is cool, loving a girl is cool too. You're able to love, unlike Voldermort.
20. The best "day" of your life will be a collection of moments that you don't want to forget: The way someone looks at you. The way that someone smiled at you. That day when you laughed so hard that you thought you beat depression. The day where you are happy to be alive.
30. Birthdays aren't all that special. It's just how you see the birth of yourself. YOU. Not anyone else, so congratulate yourself for making it this far. I would know, my birthday was just yesterday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)