Trying times?

 Just when I feel all kinds of content, life decides to throw me a curveball and make me think that I am depressed again. I think that I once again have to make a list of things that I know to be true again.

ALSO, I dropped my New, less than two months old Macbook Air on the road today and it has DENTS on it now. It is infuriating because the only 2 times I dropped my laptop, the second time has to be a Macbook. Thank God, it was only cosmetic damage and nothing on my screen and my keyboard. Looks like I have to get a bag and a laptop bag to double bag it. Surprisingly, this did not break me because I am for sure having a meltdown. I think it is just paused now. I definitely believe it will continue on tomorrow.

Typical feelings of: want to die, know how I will want to die, no energy, stop talking to me, leave me alone here to die

Must I write only when I am sad?

 Turns out I only write when I am sad.

I don't feel as sad as I would like to be only because I am more occupied than I would like to be. I have less personal space than I did when I started this blog. When I say less, I mean wayy less in a way where I now share a bedroom with Joshua. I have never been left alone for at least 3 years now. I went from one extreme of having no one to suddenly never being left alone. 

I am now 31 and typing on a Macbook Air. When I first started this blog, I don't think the first iPhone existed. Now I am decked out in everything Apple because I genuinely believe their products last. I want to invest in tech things that will last me at least half a decade. With Apple products, they easily outlast andriod counterparts. I never thought I would be able to afford a Macbook Air anyway. Genuinely grateful at how things turn out because I would never guess what and where I ended up in. 

I guess I did not start this post to have a topic and also, stick with a topic. I would like to reintroduce myself to the initial honesty I craved when I started this blog. I am still someone who enjoys honesty but of course, the honesty i crave is much more different than what i wanted at 16. 

They say that your 30s are all about rediscovering your favorite things as a teenager. One of my great loves was writing. Reading perhaps plays a little bit of a different role now because we have moved to a digital era of globalization. I would like to read a bit more now but it is annoying how expensive books are now but who are we kidding, I don't think I will ever read as much as I did like last time. 

I am rediscovering what I did; right now, writing is one of the main things. I would like to write a lot more than I am. The writing now is actually nonexistent. I am way too occupied with garbage on my phone than to write. Maybe I should be left alone with my thoughts a bit more so that I can ponder. Thinking is different. Pondering is trying to figure out.

I think journaling will be a bit different in my 30s since I don't think I have much to wonder and figure out. At 31, I pretty much have most of everything figured out. There is much less... Hope... So when you stop hoping for things to change, naturally, you stop looking for things to change. You stop looking at holes and seeing it as a window of opportunity. I think that is quite a sad way to see things. I wish I don't see my job as a way I will die in. I wish there was a lot more hope. 

I think I wrote last time as an escape and a way to dream. I think I must do the same. If not, how will I ever get off the ground? There is so much more to the sky than just this.