You, and always you.

I wish you were here. I wish you could just hold me tight and stay there for the night. I wish to be able to look up to you and see your face. I wish.. I wish I could bury my face into your neck and we could just stay like that for the whole night. I wish I didn't cry when I miss you because right now, I couldn't stop crying. I miss you and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish you were here, you'd kiss my forehead and tell me that you love me. Then, I'll be able to look up and say I love you back.

I miss you and I wish I had enough of the right words to express it.

Charades to fool.

Here's what I do.
I hid in my room.
I don't check my phone.
I don't call or text.
I stop having dinner or lunches with people
I stop talking to people.
I stop caring about what people think.
I stop trying to convince myself to be happy.
I just simply stop trying.

There's no point of trying to keep a conversation going
They either pretend that they didn't see you reply
Or they just show that they don't care
I stop bothering the people I call friends
Bullshit, is what they give me.
Yeah, you say you miss me.
Or at least that's what you're trying to make me believe
Go fucking jump off a cliff
Maybe then, I'll believe you
You tell me you're always here
Please just stop lying to me.
You stop being a friend because
you know I'll always come back, no matter what
Just stop making promises that you can't keep
I know you'll break this one more promise
but somehow, I am still stupid enough to stay
To see if you kept it, even when I know what'll happen.

That moment when you scrolled through your phone book
And you stop when you see one name
Clips and clips of memories whirl past
And then, you start crying
You know you can't call them
because they can't talk or
they just won't pick up.
You miss them, you try to smile
but you know you can't
because you're this close to falling apart

You went on with life,
you walk past both familiar and strange faces
Without even a second glance
You talk but it seems robotic
You laugh, because you feel like you have to
You smile, just for the sake of saying, I'm fine.
You slowly learning to stare at something so that
your mind can wander
Thousand of words float in and out of your head
You hear none of it, as none of it made sense
Yet, you nod and smile, like you understood everything
Mechanical faces, rehearsed excuses,
and that refusal to feel anything.
Moving on seemed easier like that.
Like that, you are able to fool people,
even yourself that you are fine.

And somehow, in between all these charades,
You stop crying yourself to sleep.

Dreaming of home.

I have been in my room for the whole day
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I din't want anyone to see my existence,
at least I want to forget that I exist, for a while
Then, I fell asleep
I was home,
I smell the sea, I smell..
Dinner
I saw my family,
my brothers were asleep, with the youngest
being only three
It was peaceful, it was right
Dinner smelled amazing,
it's like I can taste it
It's exactly how it should taste.

I saw my grandma,
I didn't realize how much I've missed her
I miss her food and her constant worrying
I miss having real dinners
I miss my family
Somehow, being where I am now,
I forgot what everything feels like back home
It's like I was never there
And everything was just my imagination
Whereas for things to feel real,
it can only be relived in my dreams